During the time I've been working toward a slimmer frame- thus having to use self control- I've realized how gentle my God is; when we are allowed to get a little perspective.
Suddenly- I'm aware. More aware. I've always sort of been aware- discerning for lack of a better word. Aware of how much I needed to change (and how much other people needed to change....) Aware that there were specific things I needed to do in order to find myself......changed.
But- I've not had the understanding of how exactly I needed to go about changing. I found myself (often) giving myself a little 'talking to'.
"Ok, Amber. You have got to read your Word. You have to wake up early- and spend that quality time with The Lord. You have to be still. Be silent. You have to listen. You have to be self-controlled. You have to learn how to love- to truly, selflessly, deeply love."
Why do I love God? Because He loves me. Easy.
More importantly.... HOW do I love Him??? I don't know exactly how to love 'The Lover of my Soul'.
I keep hearing that song What Do I Know of Holy? (Addison Road). I feel like it was my heart that wrote that song. What do I know of Holy? I ask myself- I plead- GOD, please teach me how to love.
And I found a chuckle come out as soon as I typed that. In asking Him to teach me love, I assume He's just going to zap me into knowing love .
I have love all around me. I see it. I see my daughters lovingly adore me, though that adoration is completely undeserved I am loved.
I know that Jesus Christ held out His arms, bleeding tears and a crown of thorns, and He died for me. He suffered. He pained. He died. For me. I am loved.
My husband holds me, he comforts me, he stands by me- even when he'd rather not. I am loved.
I know how to be loved. I just don't know how to love. I don't know how to forgive, though I'm forgiven.
I have the perspective. I understand that I am lacking the ability to truly and completely love. My Abba-Father sent Jesus to show us love. HE is love. I want to be a copy-cat. I want to love like Jesus. I wish I already did!
But I don't.... not even a little bit.... because TRUE love is unconditional. I dismiss it too quickly. I never doubt the love my Savior has for me.... but I do doubt the love I have for Him. How could I possibly love Him if I don't live my life truly for Him.
Love is sacrifice- and I don't give it. Love is patience- and I don't have it.....Love is kind, and gentle and faithful..... all those things that 1 Corinthians defines "love" as... they aren't me, they aren't what I do..... no matter how much I desire to LOVE the way that Jesus loves.... I just don't.
There are times I am convinced that I just need to give up. I've been at this "Christian" thing for over 10 years.. and I still don't have it right. I've been married for 10 years... and I most DEFINITELY do not have it right. And I've been a mommy for over 6 years.... and- you guessed it- I really don't have it right! I keep messing up. Daily.
What does a person do when they have the perspective on how to correct their issues but they lack the forward motion to carry out the actions required of them?
Suck it up. Keep going forward. Keep trying. Persevere.
The Past Two Weeks
9 months ago