Monday, September 24, 2012

Show Me

I don't know what this song means.
I don't understand it.
But the Holy Spirit dropped it on me

Today, I had a 4 hour session of Counseling/Prayer Ministry.
4 hours.  FOUR HOURS!

I may have left there dehydrated- because I don't know how it'd be possible to cry that much,
and not have depleted my body of every ounce of water I had.

At times, I layed my head down on the table, and sobbed uncontrollably;
but not from sadness- well?- not only from sadness...
Out of pure humility.
Lord!  I cannot comprehend how much You think of me,
to show me these things
To bring healing to my brokenness.
Piece by piece.

I thought that He was demolishing my foundation, with an astounding amount of dynamite.
That's what it's felt like lately.
But the Word I heard from Him today-
"I'm taking out this broken brick, and I'm mending it,
And I'm replacing it with one that is strong.
Piece by piece, I'm removing the bricks that are broken
And putting in their place, solid pieces."

Lord- I have a LOT of broken bricks.
Thanks for not ripping me apart all together.
Thank you Jesus, that you don't use dynamite.
(Even though it often feels like what you're doing is explosive).

Your ways are not our ways.
I'm so thankful for that.
I'm way too messed up and broken to make plans for my life
Here's my planner, Lord.
Fill in the blanks.  No!  Don't pencil them in.
Use Your red ink.... and make it permanent.
I do not want to be in control
I do not want to be in charge.
I don't want to make these choices
I don't want to make these decisions.
You lead me.
I will follow.
If I get distracted,
Whack me on the head and get countrified
"Pay attention GIRL...."
And I will say "Yes, sir."
And if I get stupid,
Whip me.
And when I listen,
Let me know loud and clear that I'm doing Your will.
Don't let me make these choices.
Can I surrender my will to You?
Can I say, "Hey, thanks for the free will.... but NO Thanks.  I don't want it anymore...
I'm too dumb to have it.  I relinquish my will, and hand it over to You.  Permanently!"
Am I allowed to say that?
Am I allowed to be straight-up-ghetto-honest and say
"I'm totally whack- don't trust me with free will." ?

I can't be trusted, Lord.
My emotions are outrageous.
My fear gets in the way.
My pride slaps me in the face, and leaves a red hand print
My heart is a liar, and leads me into naive places.

What the future holds, I do not know.
At this point, I'd rather not know.
It's too much to bare.
I want to embrace the day by day.
The piece by piece.
Take away the crumbled bricks that are making my foundation faulty
And let me trust that what YOU are doing is perfect.

There is a message in these lyrics.
Usually, I can decipher
But I cannot right now.
All I know, is that my body shook, my hands trembled, and my spirit moved.
My skin warmed, and my heart rate quickened.
My throat closed
And everything around me stopped
The Holy Spirit said
"This- I want you to hear....  Listen..."

But I reckon' I'm an airhead,
Cause I don't know what He said.
More-so, I believe I'm just just a simple woman
And the complexity of what the Lord is doing in my life right now is beyond my comprehension.

I don't want to know ANYTHING, Lord- until YOU are ready for me to know it!!!
I'm tired of being nosey.
It's none of my business.
Because my life is not my own.
It's Yours Lord.
I want it to be fully Yours.
Not my will, Father.
Never.  Ever.  EVER my will.
I relinquish my right to myself.
I don't want it!
I'm too irresponsible to have it.

God, take me.
Grab me up, and take me forever.

You can Plant me like a tree beside a river
You can tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I will blossom like a flower in the desert

But for now, just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like fallen snow over the embers

But for now, just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones!!!!!!!
Mercy burn and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from the world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path you laid before me

But for now, just let me be

Mercy burn and breathe me back to life.
But not before you show me how to die.....
No, not before you show me how to die.

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty,
But for now, just stay with me
God, for now- just stay.... with me

Sunday, July 29, 2012

A Lot about Nothing

And there is A LOT to say about nothing.

NOthing  is what it felt like we had over a month ago.  It's what we were left with.
Oh, one day, (who knows when), I'll spill the beans about the train wreck that created this nothing-ness, but today is not the day.

I'm learning the importance of "mute".  Shhhhhh.   Just be quiet.  Say nothing.


Nothing: (noun)
1.     no thing; not anything; naught: to say nothing.
no part, share, or trace (usually followed by of ): The houseshowed nothing of its former magnificence.
something that is nonexistent.
nonexistence; nothingnessThe sound faded to nothing.
something or someone of no importance or significance:Money is nothing when you're without health.

I've had a lot of great one-liners pop into my fuzzy head regarding this "nothing" epidemic.
One true statement, that has replayed over and over, is this:

"It's when we've been stripped of everything, that we discover everything that we truly have."

I'm not sure if that's an "Amber Original" or not.
One time, in high school, I thought I invented the most amazing quote EVER:
"Sarcasm is spoken when there's nothing left to say."
But after a while, my friend pointed out "Oh!  That's from To Kill a Mockingbird!"
And by dern, she was right!


Being stripped of everything is turning out to be one of the most exhausting, yet rewarding experiences of my life.   I've had nothing.  But in that nothing, I've been given everything.

Friendship that comes to me, with my hands empty, and my self fully drenched in our circumstance.  I have nothing to offer but humility, and gratitude.  And yet, friendship comes to me still.  

Over and over, God has used specific friends to bless me.  TO encourage me.  To call me.  To talk to me.  To give me great gifts of comfort and understanding, and food, and clothes, and things that smell pretty.

I keep thinking "I've got to give something back."
But I have nothing.
I can only receive.  

It's humbling.

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Zoe's Funny Story

Our 6 year old came home from school yesterday and announced in an emphaticly-matter-of-fact-like manner: 

"I got diarrhea today!!!  It's pretty bad.  Wanna smell my stinky fart?!"  (sigh)

For the remainder of the evening, she proceeded to announce each and every time that she tooted

 "HahhhhHA.  It smells SO BAD!"

And then.... it wasn't a fart....  and she looked at her daddy with eyes that said "Ooooops."
She ran upstairs to the bathroom to take care of business.  Her older sister asked "What happened, Daddy?  What'd she do?"   I felt the need to interrupt before he answered, "Hey.  Don't tell her.  It might embarrass Zoe.  I don't want her to get made fun of....".

My husband cut his eyes at me and said "I really don't think she'll be embarrassed by it."
"Well, just in case......" and before I could finish my sentence, Zoe hollered downstairs, in her loudest announcement-voice:  

"KYLA!!!!!!!!    I thought it was a fart!!   But it WAS-ENT!!!!   I got some of it in my UNDER WEAR!!!!!  It's So. So. SO. SO. gross!.......    Wanna come and SEE!?!?" 

Zoe is home today, avoiding the potentially "embarrassing" opportunity to have an accident at school.  She's been in the bathroom at least 12 times in the course of just a few hours, but she's totally maintained her happy-spunky-bounce.    As I was writing this, she came over to me, read over my shoulder (which is one of my biggest pet-peeves) and said "You're writing a story about me?!  Can I read it?? 

She read it (ahem... over my shoulder) and I got the rare opportunity to type out our conversation as we were having it.  (I'm a super-duper fast typer- which impressed Zoe big-time!)
(These are Zoe's words, after she read what I wrote above..... Below is the exact dialog of our conversation.  I am typing this as her and I talk....and she is reading it as I type it.  This is so fun!)

(Zoe) "I DIDN'T DO THAT!!!!!!   Please don't read it.  And don't send it to anyone else."

(Mommy)   You didn't do that yesterday?   Are you sure?   I was pretty sure I heard you."
(Zoe)  STinker!  
(Mommy)   Awwww.  Just go ahead and admit that it really did happen.
(Zoe)  I didn't say that stuff, Mommy.
(Mommy)  Hmmmm.... are you just kidding?  
(Zoe)  NO.  I'm not kidding.
(Mommy)  Okay.  SO tell me what really happened.

(Zoe)  Ok, fine... I came home and I said "Mommy.  I have diarrhea."  
And well, a few minutes later, I farted.   And then I said "You wanna smell my fart.  It smells yucky."
And then I had to go poopy.   And then I was in the living room with daddy, watching Liberty's Kids, and then I thought it was a fart, and I pooped in my panties. Done."   

(Mommy)  Is it okay if I put this on my blog page for people to read?
(Zoe)  No, I don't want you to, because I'm going to be embarrassed.
(Mommy)  Bummer.  It's a pretty funny story.  Lots of people were gonna get to smile and laugh at how cute and adorable you are.
(Zoe) (in a sad and glum voice)  Okay... I guess you can.
(Mommy)  I won't if you really don't want me to.  This can just be a story for you, and me, and Daddy and Kyla and Leah.
(Zoe)  YOU CAN... if you want. Go ahead and send it.  (she said with a very happy voice) {and she also told me to type in 'she said with a very happy voice'}  
So, now Zoe is going to tell the story, in her own words, about how she passed HER diarrhea to ME!

{serious.  i DARE ya'll to do a dialog word for word of a conversation you have with your kids.  I'm dying here!!}

"Mama was going to the potty.  And then she said 'ZOE! You passed on your diarrhea to me.  I'm gonna spank you when I'm done.'  She didn't spank me. She was just playing with me. The End."

End Dialog.
I'm cracking up at the lack of detail that Zoe uses when she recalls her stories.  She's been "making fun" of me all day, regarding how "she gave me her stinky, smelly diarrhea."  I'm pretty sure it was the highlight of her afternoon.  

We had to make a Kroger run, and I explained to her that she could NOT have hot-chocolate from Starbucks, because she had a stomach bug.  She explained to me that I could not have coffee from Starbucks since I have HER diarrhea, now.   The banter continues a bit, and we make a stop beside the Starbucks counter inside Kroger so I could check my phone for a potato soup recipe that I was considering.  

Zoe announced, in a NOT quiet voice "NO MOMMY!!!!!!!   You can't have COFFEE!!!   YOU. HAVE. DIARRHEA!"

......and that was our day today.  
A whole bunch-of-Crap-talk.  

I love my Zoe-Girl.  There is NEVER a dull moment, and a continuous flow of chuckles thanks to her spot-on wit.  Believe it or not, she really does not quite grasp the fact that people aren't laughing at her.  She doesn't realize how funny she is; It just comes naturally.  So, mostly, she assumes that people are making-fun-of her.    SO, if you ever see her doing something hilarious, and you laugh, and then she crosser her arms and makes a whiney sound and a pouty face.... now you know why.

Monday, May 7, 2012

So That I Might Sleep

I will ramble and ramble, and perhaps, if I'm lucky,  I will fall onto my pillow before 4 AM.

7 days ago, all was well with the world (that's a lie.. all was not well.. but for the sake of this ramble, we will stick to the standard terminology)  and my husband and I were expecting baby #4.

6 days ago, it all came crashing down, and we were no longer expecting baby #4.
Except that we kind of were...  we were waiting for my body to deliver our teeny little baby that didn't live beyond 10 weeks.

So we discovered that our baby's heart stopped beating.  And it was a sad, and awful day.

But, the days to follow were even more terrible.  I had to wait. I had to WAIT!   I knew that this baby was no longer alive, but it was STILL inside my body... and all I could do was WAIT!

And the waiting sucked!

My doctor did not give me the gritty details of  a missed-miscarriage.  She gave me the "if you want a D & C we can schedule that; if not, we can wait til the end of the week to see if your body will do it naturally."

"What will it be like if I have it naturally?"

"At the most, about 6 hours of bleeding... and cramping...."

Hmmmm.  Ok.

So, I started bleeding.  And "cramping".  (READ: Contracting!!!)
For 3 days.

And. It. SUCKED!!

And finally, it happened.  I went into "Labor" and my body tried to KILL me with pain as it worked hard to deliver every ounce of blood from my body... the baby.

*******do not read beyond this point if you have a weak stomach... turn back now**********

I labored in the bathtub for over an hour.... nothing happened.... went back to the shower a little bit later, because suddenly,  EVERYTHING started to happen.   spent 45 minutes bleeding, and passing tissue and clots, and finally... a little bitty, tiny, tiny,  minature baby.

After it all finished, I felt RELIEVED.   Ahhhh.  I can mourn, and move on.  Good.
Thank You, Jesus.

And then no.

It was NOT GOOD.

I continued to contract (and agonize) for several. MORE. HOURS!

And then the next day, I was in a fog.
And the day after that, I was kind of ok, but sporatically miserably sad.

And I was still bleeding.  And still contracting here and there.  And still hurting.

So far, this ramble has done nothing for my insomnia.

Here's the deal.  I UNDERSTAND and comprehend the reality of miscarriage.   I really do.
I'm not questioning God, or mad at myself, or anything.
I'm. Just. Sad.

Don't get me wrong here... there's WAY more to this story than a quick ramble could tell.
My heart is truly filled with thankfulness;  And I'm over and over again humbled at how perfectly God took care of me specifically during the past week.   I'm content with our situation (or as content as I could be?)  But I'm also, just plain and simple, really sad, too.

I don't want anyone asking me if I'm "okay".  I don't want phone calls.   I don't want sympathy.

"Just checking to see how you're doing....."
Well?!  I don't KNOW how I'm doing.

*In one moment I'm staring off into space while crickets chirp in the empty thoughts that I'm (NOT) having.

*In another, I'm mourning internally.  Sometimes externally.

*And in another, I'm gut-laughing about something stupidly random that my friend did.

*And in another.....  I forget that I'm sad, and I'm just... regular.

*In other moments, I'm humbled by God's plan- I'm in deep thought about the intricate details that He had been planning during the last year of my life.  Really- I guess that's mostly where I'm at.  The other's are my vacation house- and this one here- it's my residence.  My thoughts are continuously toward God.
(not what you wanted to hear.. but it's the truth, people.   and man.  I'm so glad it's the truth.)

So if you're wondering how I'm doing, pick one of the options above that makes you feel the most comfortable, and THAT is how I'm doing today.

At the end of the week, when I visited my doctor, I put in a super-spiritual request for some ANTI-depressants.  Yes.  Oh, yes I did!   I know myself.  I know how easy I can fall into depression.  I'm not screwing around.  I want the drugs, and I want them IMMEDIATELY.  I want that fake seratonin, and I want it in high doses.

(Because I'm a nerd, I'll also want to be NOT on drugs as quickly as possible.  Physically, I would just rather NOT depend on them.  I'll switch to Sam-e after a few months.)

But for now- this chick is MED-uh-CATED.  (Unfortunately, it takes a few weeks for it to take full effect.  THis is only day 2.  RATS!)

 I also have been taking an all-natural calming-remedy.  It has LOTS of Valerian root in it.  And Passion Flower.  And other nice things that are suppose to make you c-h-i-l-l.

I've taken 2 of those today.  And maybe their working?  One of those pills alone would typically send me into TKO at snoozerville, but I reckon this is a special occassion, and it's better to use them for chill-mode rather than sleep-mode.

 (And even though rambling time has still not emptied my brain enough to lead me to close this computer and stagger upstairs, I can guarantee you RIGHT NOW this chick ain't asking for no sleeping pills.)

I'm good with taking my "seratonin" pill and hoping for "functionability", but Lord help me if I have to take a sleeping pill.  

That was a YAWN.  I just yawned.  Thank You rambler.

Ya.  But I'm still too scared to go to sleep.  THERE>  I said it.  That's what the problem is.
I'm still bleeding.  And it still periodically hurts.
I'm afraid of passing clots in my sleep.... maybe the truth is coming out... maybe I'm actually afraid of hemorraging.

Which is what happened to my sister after she delivered her full-term-perfectly healthy baby.
She was fine.
And then she wasn't.

I'm not afraid of death, or dying.  I'm afraid of how my death would affect my daughters.  And my husband... no... well, ya... my daughters and my husband.  Cause, if he's sad, they'll be EVEN sadder.  So I should totally be concerned about him, too.

   Selfish Amber would say "Whoo HOO.  Rock on the hemmorage.  I'm goin' to HEAVEN to-NIGHT, baby!"  But Mommy Amber jumps ahead of the other me, and says "No!  You can't leave your children alone with their Daddy!!  They'll go to school wearing sack-cloths and combat boots."  (and other such emotionally damaging stuff ...)

SO I reckon my ramble got it all out.  I'm afraid of sleep, and that is why I'm not sleeping.
Dude.  I wish I could charge myself $250 an hour.  I just totally psycho-analyzed myself.  I should be getting paid for this kind of awesomeness.

Now?   What to do with this information?
Do I publish my rambling?
Do I let the entire world (I mean 2 people) read everything that I just wrote?
Do I expose myself in my deepest, most inner-emotionally raw .....  something or other....

Why not.

(If you read this- PLEASE click on the little box below that said "Read It".  I'm just curious as to if anyone ever reads these things....  DON'T worry.  It won't show your name, or make you sign up for anything.  SO if you're a stalker, I won't know who you are.)