Monday, September 24, 2012

Show Me

I don't know what this song means.
I don't understand it.
But the Holy Spirit dropped it on me

Today, I had a 4 hour session of Counseling/Prayer Ministry.
4 hours.  FOUR HOURS!

I may have left there dehydrated- because I don't know how it'd be possible to cry that much,
and not have depleted my body of every ounce of water I had.

At times, I layed my head down on the table, and sobbed uncontrollably;
but not from sadness- well?- not only from sadness...
Out of pure humility.
Lord!  I cannot comprehend how much You think of me,
to show me these things
To bring healing to my brokenness.
Piece by piece.

I thought that He was demolishing my foundation, with an astounding amount of dynamite.
That's what it's felt like lately.
But the Word I heard from Him today-
"I'm taking out this broken brick, and I'm mending it,
And I'm replacing it with one that is strong.
Piece by piece, I'm removing the bricks that are broken
And putting in their place, solid pieces."

Lord- I have a LOT of broken bricks.
Thanks for not ripping me apart all together.
Thank you Jesus, that you don't use dynamite.
(Even though it often feels like what you're doing is explosive).

Your ways are not our ways.
I'm so thankful for that.
I'm way too messed up and broken to make plans for my life
Here's my planner, Lord.
Fill in the blanks.  No!  Don't pencil them in.
Use Your red ink.... and make it permanent.
I do not want to be in control
I do not want to be in charge.
I don't want to make these choices
I don't want to make these decisions.
You lead me.
I will follow.
If I get distracted,
Whack me on the head and get countrified
"Pay attention GIRL...."
And I will say "Yes, sir."
And if I get stupid,
Whip me.
And when I listen,
Let me know loud and clear that I'm doing Your will.
Don't let me make these choices.
Can I surrender my will to You?
Can I say, "Hey, thanks for the free will.... but NO Thanks.  I don't want it anymore...
I'm too dumb to have it.  I relinquish my will, and hand it over to You.  Permanently!"
Am I allowed to say that?
Am I allowed to be straight-up-ghetto-honest and say
"I'm totally whack- don't trust me with free will." ?

I can't be trusted, Lord.
My emotions are outrageous.
My fear gets in the way.
My pride slaps me in the face, and leaves a red hand print
My heart is a liar, and leads me into naive places.

What the future holds, I do not know.
At this point, I'd rather not know.
It's too much to bare.
I want to embrace the day by day.
The piece by piece.
Take away the crumbled bricks that are making my foundation faulty
And let me trust that what YOU are doing is perfect.

There is a message in these lyrics.
Usually, I can decipher
But I cannot right now.
All I know, is that my body shook, my hands trembled, and my spirit moved.
My skin warmed, and my heart rate quickened.
My throat closed
And everything around me stopped
The Holy Spirit said
"This- I want you to hear....  Listen..."

But I reckon' I'm an airhead,
Cause I don't know what He said.
More-so, I believe I'm just just a simple woman
And the complexity of what the Lord is doing in my life right now is beyond my comprehension.

I don't want to know ANYTHING, Lord- until YOU are ready for me to know it!!!
I'm tired of being nosey.
It's none of my business.
Because my life is not my own.
It's Yours Lord.
I want it to be fully Yours.
Not my will, Father.
Never.  Ever.  EVER my will.
I relinquish my right to myself.
I don't want it!
I'm too irresponsible to have it.

God, take me.
Grab me up, and take me forever.

You can Plant me like a tree beside a river
You can tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I will blossom like a flower in the desert

But for now, just let me cry

You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like fallen snow over the embers

But for now, just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones!!!!!!!
Mercy burn and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from the world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path you laid before me

But for now, just let me be

Mercy burn and breathe me back to life.
But not before you show me how to die.....
No, not before you show me how to die.

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty,
But for now, just stay with me
God, for now- just stay.... with me

1 comment:

  1. Its like you just ripped open your chest and completely exposed/revealed your heart. Beautiful brokeness. Thank you for sharing.