Saturday, February 27, 2010

Grace for People Like Me?

 For people like me- is there really grace?  True grace?

God knows me- every single part of me.  My heart, my thoughts, my hopes, my struggles.... He knows every thing!! (more than I even know about myself)

He sees me when I'm cold.  And unloving.  And distant from the people that I actually truly do whole heartedly care about.  So?  Why am I distant- and cold- and unloving?  I don't know.  I have no idea!!!!
Is there Grace for people like me?  Do I get grace when I'm caught up in my struggle with my inability to truly love ''with my whole heart''.  I don't even think I have a whole heart to love with.  It's been in pieces for more years than I can count back.

It broke in two when my mom and dad divorced.  She had part of it.  He had part of it.  I didn't know it then, but that must have been the first time my heart broke.

And then a part of it broke again when I saw my dad act like a total fool in his frustration and hit my mom.  One and only time I'd ever seen him do it.  It hurts to think about it, still.  I was really confused.

Something shattered inside again when we had to go to school with people we didn't know- time and time again- moving and moving and never having any sort of consistency in our life.  I got "made fun" of for being poor, for living in a trailer park, for wearing clothes that were ugly....  I still remember the humilitation.

My heart started becoming numb (inside it's brokenness)  when my mom made us go to a trashy dump to get 'baby sat' after school; all the while, our baby sister stayed at a nice, clean place with an actual care giver.

Our "caregiver" sat on her couch, all 400 pounds of her, and we had to listen to constant yelling and feel painful tension while her entire family worked toward settling their own issues.   This same babysitter- the one that was 'ok' for my mom's older kids, but not 'ok' for her baby- this baby sitter also allowed a 12 year old boy to take advantage of  a 9 year old innocent girl.  And that girls brother knew about it.  And it happened to her sister, too.  And nobody rescued them- nobody prevented it- nobody made sure that THOSE kids were taken care of.   - I think that must have been when the numbness started.....

More pieces of my heart crumbled and fell and broke away through out the remainder of my life.  A lot to do with my mom's inability to love me.  Her heart got ripped out of her when she was a little girl- I don't think she even got the luxury of a slow-fading heart....  my mom had no idea how to show her children love.  She still doesn't.  I'm no longer a child- of course- but there is something secure in feeling a mother's love (or so I've heard).

My mom didn't teach me what I needed to know to become a fruitful adult-woman-mother-wife.  I got nothing to go by.   I never had a chance- really.... to find a way to truly love (broken-heart and all).

Is there Grace for people like me?   Can I learn how to 1 Corinthians love with my cold-broken heart?

God!.  I want to so badly.

I want to be gentle, and affectionate, and sincere, and affirming.
 I want to have sweet words and gentle touches, and true quality time with my children.
 I want to live my life (not for me) but for the sake of my daughters.
  I want that.... but I don't do it.  I don't know how to love with my broken heart.  I just don't.

IS there Grace for me?  What can I do to be relieved of this burden?

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