Monday, October 5, 2009

Messer Upper

Well. I can confess all the progress I make in my walk.... I guess I should confess my mess ups, too. I don't know exactly how much 'confession' I should make; because who can bare the judgement I'm sure to catch.

The reality is, I'm a sinner. I fall, fall, and sometimes, I manage to crawl back up; only to fall again. Some will say "It's not a big deal, you're only human." But I say- it is a big deal, because it was wrong. There's right. And then, there's wrong. No in between. No excuses. It's one way or the other.

Ok. Here goes. (deep breath as I cower and cringe)

Wedding day for a dear, long time friend was fabulous. It was beautiful. I was so blessed to have gotten to read The Word during the Catholic Ceremony. I was afraid I would be nervous, or perhaps stutter. But- gracefully- I didn't. It all sort of rolled out of my mouth in a joyful tone. I felt confident, and comfortable in front of that podium.

After the wedding, I rode with friends (and neighbors) to the reception while my husband took our sweet girls home to bed, in which another friend (and neighbor!) came over to keep watch over them while Joshua joined me in the festivities.

There was food (yummy stuff!) and dancing, and WINE..... lots of wine. I had a glass. I don't feel very convicted for a casual glass of wine, like some do. It doesn't bother me or create any kind of "oh no!!" feeling. It's wine. It taste good. It's something I enjoy (casually).

But, here's where I messed up. I wanted to be relaxed. Easy going. Silly. Fun. So- down goes another glass. And.... (yep)... another. 3 glasses. I was relaxed. Not drunk. Just... woooooh. At that point, I should have STOPPED.

But, I didn't.

I had, in the past (um- within a 2 year time frame) gotten lax in my walk. Lukewarm. "Eh? Whatever...." sort of LAX.

I had not really cared if I drank a few beers, (or 6). It didn't phase me to party hardy with friends if there was an event or occasion in which alcohol would be present. I've never been a ridiculous drinker, just a 'casual' party-goer give me a beer or wine- maybe a lemon drop or something?

See... it's so sneaky- because BEFORE I got spirit filled JESUS freak saved for EVER-(1999) I was a club-going-beer-liquor (no time for wine)-drinking-party-HARD-dance-like-crazy sort of girl. I loved the single life- I loved getting dressed up and shaking my booty, and I loved all the attention I got from hot guys.... they were drunk, too. (disclosure- I was not a hoochie. thank GOD- I was pretty selfish in the fact that I was a flirt, but not much more than that)

And- of course- in the morning, all that 'fun' turned out to be so very short lived. It was an hour by hour, beer by beer occasion. Not long lasting. I wish everyone knew that. I wish I had known that! It's so temporary!!! And it's a cycle. Drink to have fun.... and in order to have fun... had to drink..... The dance floor was never fun with out at least 2 or 3 beers down. It was all a mirage.

So- after my party days, I came to a place of ABSOlUTE. I couldn't drink or Go 'out'. I didn't want to. The thought of it made me sick. I had a fresh memory of that lifestyle (10 years ago) and it wasn't an option for me.

After- oh?- I don't know- several years..... the memory wore off, though. Sneaky-Sneaky!

So- I had a period of probably 8 years that I was ''good''. And then about 18 months of being ''not''.

BUT! In the very recent present time (in the past 6 months or so....) I had decided that I'm tired of the Lukewarm status. I was tired of the ups and downs and the struggles I was facing- all things that go hand-in-hand with not FULLY giving my life over to God. (I was just sorta-kinda letting Him have it when I needed to get dug out of a hole).

So- drinking too much at a wedding 6 months ago wouldn't have bothered me. It really bothers me now. Not only did I have too much at the wedding, but I lost all sense of good judgement, and had a few more drinks with my friends after the wedding. I was not sober. :( It was NOT good. They brought me home (Joshua had already gone home to relieve the sitter) and I just wanted to find a hole and live in it. Joshua thought he'd get a laugh out of me. I deserved it- bu he really was more compassionate than I deserved.

I barfed. At home. In the privacy of my bathroom. I puked my guts out!! Ugh!!! Even in the days of beer drinkin' in excess, I didn't barf! I wouldn't let myself get stupid back then.... WHY did I get stupid THIS TIME???? I slept hard, and woke up the next morning with more grace. No headache. Nope. Not even a hang over. I wonder why? I deserved it. I deserved to have an insane, head pounding MIGRAINE. But? Nothing.

I decided on 2 things that afternoon.

1. I was gonna say I'm sorry for being selfish and stupid. And NOT dwell on my mistake. Do a 180 and not look back.


2. I'm gonna stay away from 'the hard stuff' for EVER. No- I still (strangely) don't have any conviction over a glass of wine- or a beer- but that's it..... No more. I can't do it. I have to be wise. I have to stop being an idiot. No excuses.

So- there you go. My stupidity. My messer upper.

I'm not sure why I felt the need to post this. I guess I just don't EVER want anyone to see me as a hypocrite. I mess up. Good grief- I mess up a lot! And I feel like I'd be hypocritical to not admit that- especially in these days that I'm in.

I want to grow- and grow- and keep growing in my walk- but if Satan has any kind of foothold on me, I'm gonna quit growing. I made my confession, so he doesn't get to harass me about my mistake. Everyone ALREADY knows about it. I've ALREADY been forgiven- AND I already have a plan to make sure it doesn't mess me up again.


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