Saturday, February 5, 2011

BLINK 12/15/08

From December 15, 2008- back in the day when I blogged on Myspace.


I passed through some pictures from just a few years ago.  And I kept thinking to myself, "Why didn't I savor these moments".

Yet, here I am, in THIS moment, consumed by every day life.  Consumed. Incapable of savoring anything.

I think about the baby days from Kyla, just 5 years ago, and I can primarily remember the challenges we were facing that made being a new parent so much harder.
We were trying to decide on a career, because we agreed that being home with our daughter was the best thing for her, which led to living in a home with too much baggage attached to it, (to say the least), and an unbelievable financial struggle.

I remember little things, but I can't remember peace or excitement. I can't remember having the time of my life just because I was playing with my first born daughter.

And I remember being pregnant with Zoe, and in the midst of that, needing to find a new home, and moving into our first purchased home, while continuing to deal with  baggage .  I remember facing struggles the second we came home from the hospital, literally, as we walked into our door we had to deal with conflict and stress.  I remember so little about those first few months.

And here I am now, though able to remember the infancy of my third born child, because it was just a short year ago, but also realizing I've missed the toddler and little girl ages that Kyla and ZOe are in due to a vast amount of... you guessed it... stress. 

I've been consumed.  Desperate to have peace in our home, to get harmony in this teeny tiny house.  From the disorganization to the clutter, atop the screaming drama associated with a 3 year old and a 5 year old cat fight, to the spats with my spouse and the never ending to do list.

I want to enjoy my babies.

I want to savor this short period of time that I have to watch my children grow.

I want to get giddy when my Kyla reads me a book, and when my Zoe does something goofy, even if it involves permanent markers and a freshly painted wall. 
I want to rock  baby Leah just because......I want to hold her and crawl around on the floor with her just so I can hear her little "I'm crawling as fast as I can so you'll chase me" squeal.

And though I realize that there are savored moments I have to cling to, I'm sad because those moments are too few.

Why-i can't I be still, and silent, and enjoy this life?  I do not understand why I seem to consistently feel a knot in my gut due to an extreme amount of unnecessary stress.  My thoughts are filled with "if only he would do his part" "if only they would obey me & quit peeling the paint off of the wall" "if only I could get this house clean and organized"  "if only i ...... if only they..... if only, if only, if ONLY"

Some people are just cool, passive, let it all roll of your shoulder folks, and I wish my daughters had a low stress easy going mama.

 There are too many times I feel at the end of my rope, 
with my fingernails just slightly grasping a tiny thread 
on the very end 
(of that rope).....

I don't know how to get to easy, it may not exist

I'm willing to settle for less stress, less chaos.

And even being willing to SETTLE for that, I still have no clue how to get there; and honestly, that freakin SUCKS!

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