Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why Can't I Be HER?!?!

You know who she is.  She's that mom.

The one that would sit on the floor the entire day, playing with her bundle of children in whatever sort of silliness they could put themselves into.

She's the one that dumps out blocks and baby dolls and brings down the finger paint from that way up high place.  She squishes her fingers into the gooey-gross-fun-ness of the purple and the green, and paints right along side her preschoolers and toddlers, and all the others above or in between.   It's HER idea to take off the shoes and the socks to paint their feet and let them walk all over layed about papers to create a fun path of footprints.  And there isn't a square INCH of her that cringes when the paint finds itself all over the floor, and the walls, and their clothes, and her new white blouse.

Why can't I be that Mom?!

Why can't I crave snuggle time on the couch with all 3 girls, and have this "Mom-Like" desire to read bedtime stories and tell silly jokes, and talk about how Cinderella has the beautifullest dress and then dream up ways we could all have a pretend play about all the forest animals (that live in the forest).  Why can't I make it awesome for my girls to extend their imagination beyond an Adventures in Oddysey tale, or a Veggie Tales dvd?

And furthermore... why can't I be that "Homeschool Mom".

The one that thinks of crazy-awesome science projects and takes her children on 4 hour long nature walks... out in.... NATURE.

The one that can wrangle the 6 year old into a Math Mode, while encouraging the 4 year old to write her letters in fun sing song-ways (Z.  Zig. Zag. Zoo) and allow  the 2 year old to spill out the "school drawer" in search of her school work?!

Why can't I be her? That mom?

Why can't I befriend my 6 year old the way her (favorite) Aunt can?  And engage in fun conversation, and bypass the annoyances of her "know-it-all" attitude.  I'm HER mom for-goodness-sake.  Why can't I ACT like it?
Why can't I figure out a way to let her be her without bringing her down (like almost everyone else does).  Why can't I be the one to lift her up, and build her up, and over and over and over again encourage her in all that she IS, rather than all that she ISN'T?

I want to be that mom!

I want to  functionally, and productively BE. A. GOOD. MOMMY.
Not just a mom.  A MOMMY.
A Good Mommy.

I want to be her.

God has so much work to do on me.  I hunger for HIM to transform me.  I say hunger... I mean... I'm skin, and bones  STARVED and desperate for Him to change me.

I don't want to be the other her.

The one that sucks.

The one that scars her perfectly-perfect children for a lack of effort, or a lack of education (on the mom thing), or a lack of selflessness, or a lack of EVERYTHING that a Mom needs.  I'm already showing signs of being her.

The one I grew up with- because she didn't have an IDEA as to how to be a Mommy.  She had the poorest of examples through her mom, and did all she could, with all she knew how to do...which wasn't much....  and that certainly wasn't good enough to produce a 1st generation "good mom".

I don't even have the luxury of operating with a blank slate on this whole "mom" thing.  My slate is all warped and mangled and missing quite a few tiles.

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