After deeply listening to the song a few times, (and fighting the urge to run to the nearest liquor store for a shot of tequilia) I am reminded that it was written about the author's experience with drug abuse. Why was this phrase haunting me, then? Well, to be frank (shock surprise), I sappose that recently I've been feeling kind of numb. But it sucks! Not even close to comfortable. I'm numb in a run down, exhausted, tired of trying, ready to throw in the towel, screw it all- kind of way.
It was late. Everyone was sleeping, and Casting Crowns was the only artist on my playlist last night. (I have to listen to music when I can't get quiet in my spirit. I have to listen to loud, relevant music to drown out my thoughts!) And as Mark Hall sang about "The Voice of Truth", and as he cried out to the Father "Set me Free", and asked "Who am I?" and reminded me of the recent "Slow Fade" I was in........The Holy Spirit began to minister to me; working toward breaking through the cold, numb, hopelessness that consumed me.
I had this constant flow of tears pouring from my face during that playlist. Uncontrollable, surprising, heart breaking, deep sorrow filled tears. I wasn't even sad, I was cold. I was numb! It was as though it wasn't even ME that was doing all the sobbing.
How glad I was to be alone, in the dark, where nobody could hear me. I couldn't even tell you how long I cried, I can only say that after many many songs, "Here I go again" began to play, and the flood gates opened wider and I fell on my face. This agony washed over me so severely that I wanted to literally throw up.
(if you've not heard the song- go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11TXiPXCHkA)
"Father hear my prayer.
I need the perfect words.
Words that he will hear
and know they're straight from you.
I don' know what to say, I only know it hurts,
to see my only friend, slowly fade away.
So maybe this time
I'll speak the words of life,
with your fire in my eyes
but that old familiar fear is tearing at my words
what am i so afraid of?
The Holy Spirit seemed to have taken control of me last night, because when I shut myself up, and put a whole lot of TRUTH in my ears via relevant Christ-Centered music, my heart was made available for reconditioning. I didn't have the strength to peel myself off the floor, and even if I did, the circumstances that had built the wall of numb inside of me are completely out of my control. I can't change it. I can't make it better. I can't do anything to fix it. I can just stick my face on the floor, reach out my hands, and allow the Holy Spirit to work on me.