No matter how hard I try to maintain a consistent flow of routine, the randomness of life seems to build a big o' dam, creating a stagnent pool of chaos. -aka
I guess I'll be needing a bridge, then? Cool. Where is it? Huh?! I have to build it? Riiight.... I'll just pull out my engineer degree and stick it over here beside my architect of the year award, and then get right to work!
I know that's sarcastic and probably a little rude. I'm actually not mad or frustrated as I write this, so it's really more of a matter of getting the point across to myself. I am aware that my hands are tied down, double knotted, and that much (not all) of life's craziness is completely out of my control. There have been too many times that I put myself into a pit of self-condemnation; "Why can't you do that? What's wrong with you? Just make it happen!". So, creating a 'you ain't got no bridge' pep talk seems to work well for traveling back to reality.
God is an all knowing God, so when I vent my 'what if's', it's just smoke. The junk that creates that smoke will burn out soon enough, and I'll be back to my old self. For now? It's burning, so I'm venting. Stop reading now if you like.
And now the vent:
Why did somebody not tell me that getting married at (barely) 19 was a bad, bad BAD idea?
Don't get me wrong- I married the right man (right, God?) but I ask myself over and over what would have happened had I said "You know- let's just wait until I go to school before we make this kind of commitment. Let's just wait until we each have a career."
You know why we didn't think about these practical, reasonable things prior to jumping in the car and driving to TN to elope (having our ceremony months later)? HORMONES! Truthfully (uh, oh- we're getting PG-13 here) we couldn't keep our hands off of each other, and we couldn't STAND the guilt of going too far before we were married. And, who cares if I get judged, that's just the truth. My husband and I never dated. We were friends. And when we weren't 'just friends' anymore, it was dangerous for us to be alone together! We had way too many opportunities to be alone!
See? I know the truth. But I still wonder why we had to fall in love so young? Geesh. We couldn't stand each other when we were younger heathens.... God could have waited to allow that spark to catch fire a little longer, couldn't He?
And on to my next vent. WHY!?! did we have babies before we knew what we were doing with our life? I mean- a mom at 22? Then a second baby at 24? And number 3 at age 26? I guess the answer to that is "HORMONES", too. Dang it.
I am a stay at home mom- my career is consuming. There is no day care, there is no babysitter, and I don't even have a grandparent to take my children to if I have an appointment or if I just need a break. It's all me, baby! I get no sick days, I get no paid vacation!
I can't force a bridge to pop up into my life that will get me over the chaos of being a busy mom with out help. As much as I desire a formal education in medicine, it's not happening. As much as I desire a schedule, the rule of mommy-hood laughs in my face, "Ha! Schedule! Routine?! Not for you Miss Mommy."
And even when I have a place to escape, a place with child-care, a place I love and find myself totally attached to; Even then I have to give myself the "You ain't got no bridge, honey!" talk. Because snotty noses and red eyes, and The Common Crud prevent the use of that child-care. And where does that leave me? Inside the dammed pool.
*side note: I am in love with my children, and I'm so thankful for the opportunity to raise them in our home, and to educate them under our roof. I am thankful, and wouldn't want anything different for their life! Well? Maybe a maid.... and an occassional babysitter? :0)