It's the time of year that causes an unintentional stress. Around November, I think to myself- "This Christmas, I'm not going to be overwhelmed." And then December comes along..... and here I am... overwhelmed.
It's been a constant, for years, that Christmas brings an empty bank account. You'd think we'd have made the necessary adjustments in our budget to prevent this, but the cycle has continued. It's not so much that we have any needs... no!... God has totally provided.
I think it's more the struggle with wanting more. More gifts to give. More gifts to get. More decorations. More ornaments. More. Just a desire to have more.
And it's so frustrating, because if you were to peek into our house- at all the clutter- you'd realize that we certainly do NOT need any more. We're working toward cleaning out the more.
A wise woman once shared with me that most of the time- our outside desires stem from a desire to take care of our inside. Our spirit.
When I feel chaotic, I think to myself "I've got to clean our house. I've got to organize everything." I feel frantic with a need to rid our house of clutter, to clean my car out, to reorganize the cupboards, and the closets, and move furniture around, hoping to make it more Fung She.
If I stop- and really think clearly about the chaos, I am forced into a realization that it has little to do with the disorganization in my house- but mostly to do with the disorganization in my mind, in my heart... in my spirit.
And here it is, Christmas Time, and I feel as though I need more stuff. More. More. More. If I believe the afore mentioned comparison... I'd have to say that this desire for 'more' has little to do with the stuff I want, but mostly to do with the desire I have to feed my spirit MORE. I need more Jesus. I need more of Him. I need a deeper relationship with My Father. I need more, I need more, I need more.......
And I need more because my ''bank account'' has been low for so long. So, SO long I've been just barely getting by in my Walk- because I've not used my time wisely. I've not used the resources that The Lord has layed in my lap, saying "Here ya go. You're got everything you need to flourish. Your 'account' has the ability to stay full." To symbolize- I've been given a check, and I've not deposited it. (I've been given the Word, and I'm not using it.)
HA! It's amazing. Just like our actual bank account- we've always got enough to pay the bills, to take care of the core needs we have- but typically- there's no extra to use in case of emergencies..... . And the symbolism continues- because I have 'just enough' Jesus to get me through the day to day... but when I'm in an emergency situation (battling) I haven't got enough Truth to get out of it.
So I suffer. I get confused. I get overwhelmed.
And the shameful truth is that I don't need to a 'raise' or a 'job' or a 'credit card' to get more of what I really need (and want). I need self control (it's free, but it ain't cheap baby!).
It's more painful to acknowledge how terribly I've squandered my time than it is to realize how unwise we've been in our finances. So my mind likes to project the 'desire' for more in the physical. It's easier that way.
Thank you GOD for not letting me stay in my stupid.
10 months ago