Thursday, December 10, 2009

Hand over the Diploma

I am not qualified for this job.

I haven't earned the necessary degrees that would require me to to be a mom.


Self Control.

Anger Management.


It's 'that time' of the month.  And- to add to the frustration of 'being a woman', I'm looking around our back yard, and each room of our house, and realizing that it's all full of JUNK.  Just junk.  Toys that haven't been played with in over a year- books and old sesame street videos that do nothing but call out to the dust bunnies that live in every crevice all over our house.

I'm looking at our school curriculum asking myself how it would be POSSIBLE to finish this week's lessons.  I'm looking at the random TRASH the dog has chewed up, tore out, and has randomly spread through out the front, side, and back yards.  I'm looking at my unwashed (graying by the minute, in desperate need of a cut) hair, and I"m wondering when I get to (not only look) FEEL like an attractive, wanted woman.

I'm thinking about the blow up I had with Kyla this morning.  I'm asking myself when I am going to figure out that she isn't a teenager (though she acts like one) and that she is only SIX YEARS OLD!  I can't expect her to understand .

I'm angry right now.  I'm mad that my husband, as I type this, is sitting down at a restaraunt taking his 'lunch break' while I'm here- at home- using my 'break' to vent my annoyance with MYSELF.   He's eating a delicious meal while my stomach growls at me because I've not had the time to eat breakfast- or lunch!!!

I suck at being a mom.  People tell me "You're such a good mom".  And I cringe!!!!!!    People told MY MOM that she was a good mom.  They were fooled.  She was so mean to us.  She was so impatient.  She expressed every ounce of frustration, and she took it ALL out on us.  I'm trying to avoid her footsteps and stay away from her style of parenting- but it creeps up into my day to day.  It's a constant battle.

I was never qualified to do this job.  I should have been required to at least take a class.......

1 comment:

  1. Okay. So...I think that the fact that you worry about not being qualified actually makes you qualified. Think about it. If you really were as "unqualified" as you think you are, you wouldn't worry about your wouldn't want to do better. Know what I mean?

    Keep your chin up. You're doing what God wants you to do. You're raising the beautiful girls He gave you. Keep looking to Him and He'll give you all the answers you need. I'm praying for you!