Friday, January 21, 2011

Just To Laugh

As a roller-coaster-riding Christian, there are times I can get caught up in a sort of "Bi-Polar" relationship with Jesus.   I'm all in, and loving it.

And then I'm stagnant and wading on the shore during my walk.

In one season I'm praying (without ceasing) and I worship (radio is ON all the time) and I'm seeking God and I'm just IN IT.

In the next season (we're not talking fall, winter, spring, or summer.... we're talking week to week) I'm realizing that I can't remember the last time I prayed, and that my worship sessions in the car (or bathroom, or kitchen, or laundry room) are random rather than consistent.

Let's stop for a second.

I don't pray and worship as a religious act.
I don't feel like "it's what I'm s'pose to do, so that's why I do it."
I mean? IT's what we ARE s'pose to do, but... it's what I WANT to do and THAT is why I do it.
I love worshiping God.  I love talking to Him....   I just LOVE Him.

After 12 years in my walk, I've just recently   really come to a place where I am totally completely 100% in LOVE with Jesus.
(12 years!)

Not just "Love", but IN LOVE.

Before,  I "loved" Him.... because He loved me.  And I loved Him because, well?, I just did.

Now? I'm IN LOVE with Him.
Now? It's different.

I'm not on a  honey moon-  like when you first get saved and God is woo-ing you and just showing you how totally super-awesome He is.

And I'm beyond the "7 year itch" of being so frustrated and irritated at the fact that Christianity is SO hard and "God why don't you just zap all the bad people and make life better for me...." attitude.

I'm in LOVE with Him wholly.

And to explain all the reasons why I'm totally in Love would take an entirely new blog post
{divided into part by part by part} and STILL not really delve into exactly what   has transformed my love to "in love" status.

When I say "I Pray without ceasing" it's not like I'm
on my knees,
bible in hand,
candles burning,
house is quiet
and THEN I pray.

I pray as though I'm in a regular conversation with God, just like I would talk to my husband or sister.
I may be washing dishes, folding laundry, sitting on the throne (in the 'reading room'), driving my car.......
I just kind of "hang out" with Him through out the day.
(I sound religious.  My bad.  I'm thinking of throwing in a swear word just to show ya'll how IMPERFECT my thoughts and actions really are.....)
This is how I pray.
 "I don't understand why I get so mad at my kids- can you help me with that? I feel so bad for being so frustrated, and irritated, and impatient... 
I mean? WAIT! !!!  I'm not praying for patience..... hah hah- funny- You know that I know better than that. but you know, I just want to be sweeter, and less easily irritated....  and stuff-  
Oh wow!  COOL!!!  Thanks God for all that SNOW.  It's so pretty.  
 .... I'm feeling so sad for my friend right now- she's really struggling and it breaks my heart-
 I just want to lift her up to You- give me the right words.... 
I can't believe that guy just pulled out in front of me.  Don't let him kill anyone, Lord. 
Ok.  Sorry- I know I shouldn't call him an idiot...... 
Thanks for this van, God.  Thanks that it hasn't died or blown up... thanks for keeping us safe.....  " 

And then, there are times I forget... and I have this realization that I'm "missing" something- and then I'm like "Oh my goodness.  I miss GOD.   I MISS HIM-miss Him."  

Like if you're BFF is out of town and you haven't talked to her/him for a few days...  that's when I realize I haven't been praying.

Sorry.  I'm so distracted right now.  None of this feels like it's making sense.
(That's usually when I know a blog post is specifically for me).
I can't seem to focus.
My 3 year old is watching Wonder Pets as I type this out.  It's such a cute little show.  Makes it even cuter when said 3 year old puts a pair of panties on her head to watch said adorable tv show.  Even easier to get distracted when she gets me a pair of "kid panties" and tells me to wear them on my head.
(Um? No thanks, baby.  You go ahead....)

Where was I?
Right.  Bipolar Christian Walk.

Ok.  Right. So I'm all in and loving it.  (My walk)

And then I get distracted by 'life' and forget to maintain my relationship with the Lord.  I do other stuff instead. I call other friends to chat (and ignore His call).  I listen to other music to be entertained (and forgo worship).  I'm sort of  (accidentally) put that intimacy aside.  Does that make any sense?

And I hear in my head "You suck.  You're a really bad Christian.... "
And then I debate with myself over the mentality that I have taken on.
"DO I really suck? Am I really a bad Christian?"

Last night I had a TAH_DAAAAAH! moment.

I went to a bible study.  Actually, a discipleship study.  The Journey, that's what it's called.
Anywho- I went and it was great.  And I was in fellowship with like minded women, and we talked about God and Christianity, and we prayed,,,,,,,, and stuff.

Afterward- I hung out with 2 of those women, and their husbands.
And we didn't talk about Christianity or prayer, or anything.
We talked about nothing/everything.

You know what that is? Nothing/Everything?
It's where you talk and talk and talk and it has little or nothing to do with anything specific, it's just talking casually. "Here's my story about this... oh ya, I have a story like that, too...." and then it totally switches to a completely different topic.   Nothing/Everything.

  I got in my car after laughing harder than I had laughed in such a long time.

First thought:  I hope I don't back into anyone's car/ It's so sad that I haven't laughed like this in so long.

Second thought: Wait? We had bible study earlier.... I feel bad that I don't feel spiritual.

Third thought:  Shut up.

I know that I don't HAVE to feel spiritual on Sunday after church, or Thursday after Discipleship class.
It's not a motion and a feeling to be a Christian, or to be in relationship with Jesus. (both terms are the same)

Just like I don't have to "feel" in love and over-the-moon about my  husband all the time to make it true that I love him and that I'm in relationship with him.
(If that were the case we'd be divorced and remarried 127 times over.....)

I don't have to think about my kids and 'how much I completely adore them' ALL of the time to make it true that they are the most amazing gift I could have EVER gotten in my life.
 (If that were the case- oh dear..... )

I realize  that nothing makes me happier than hearing my kids belly laugh, so..... why wouldn't God rejoice in my belly laughter?

Aren't we honoring Him in our fun? In OUR joy?  Need we be rigid religious folk to be real Christians?

I hope not.
I know not.

Sometimes we (read: I) just need to have fun.
Good fun.  Clean fun.  Real fun.  Funny fun.
I think that God put me where I was last night just to see me laugh.

Snorts and all.

Isn't it incredible to really think about that?
The God of the Universe- the Creator, the MASTER of heaven and earth; He hooks us up into a situation just to watch us laugh?  Is that true?  TOTALLY TRUE!!!!

He lets (allows, gives us the privilege) us go through junky stuff to teach us, and grow us, and give us wisdom.... but He doesn't pull us into those situations to see us hurt.  HE hurts when we hurt.

Like when your kid touches a hot stove and their hand blisters and it's so pitiful to see them screaming their GUTS out crying.  That hurts.
We, their parents, are so sad for them.

HoWeVeR: They've just learned a valuable lesson that no amount of nagging to 'stay away from the stove' would have taught them.  So, it's a good thing that it happened, too.

And right now I'm praying that I can remember to come back to this post when God has something He needs to teach me.  It's so tough going through the hard stuff....

I'm a lil bit nervous that I was drawn to post this blog because God may have wanted to remind me of all these truths.... cause it may be I'm about to go through something.

He wants me to have fun. He wants me to relax and enjoy life.  He wants me to belly laugh.
Because sometimes (a LOT of times for me) He needs to let me touch a hot stove.......

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