Monday, April 5, 2010


I'm not sure what to write about.  It seems that I should.  It's my outlet.  It's what I do when I need to unscramble the jumbled up mess in my head.

God is doing some major renovations on "Amber".  And?  I don't know how to react to it.

I keep asking Him why I have to face all the drama, and uncertainty in life.... though it seems like "everyone else" has the ability to "keep it together".  How is it that they are "happy" all the time?  How is it that they don't have to deal with the hard stuff?  Wisdom tells me it's mostly a facade.  They (all) don't have it together. We ALL have to deal with the hard stuff.  I suppose the bigger question is:  How is it that they seem to handle it better than I do?

At the end of a long journey through trials and tribulations; does everyone come out on top?  Does everyone reach the tip of the mountain after wandering around in the valley?

Perhaps I am in the grieving process?  At every turn (lately), it seems that I am viewed to be "the bad guy".   Through everything that seems to have gone wrong, certain fingers are being put in my face saying "This. Is. Your. Fault."

I can not ignore the finger pointing.  If I'm being rebuked- I need to accept it.  Maybe not in it's entirety; that would be naive.  When I say that I need to "accept it", what I mean is that I need to accept the possibility that  this could be my fault.

I had to drop my pride.  I had to choke on it, gagging and spitting, and then swallow it WHOLE.  It's bitter.

What good would come out of "proving" to myself that I am NOT wrong?  It won't change the opinion of the person(s) that believe I am.  Facts are facts.... but to each his own- because one man's fact may NOT belong to another's.  And these may be better described as opinion... but the man calling it a "fact" isn't aware of that.

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