Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Who Are You Today?

"Who Are You Today?" he asked, laughing. "One day you're sweet, and loving, and excited about the plans that God has for you, and the next day, you're hateful and angry. I never know who you're going to be when I get home."

And though he was laughing, he was serious. His laughter wasn't synical, or spiteful. It was genuine. He thought it was actually funny that his wife was having one of those 'crazy' days? Or was he laughing because there was nothing else to do, but to laugh off the unpredictable?

"Why can't you just HELP me. I don't understand why you choose to ignore the most important things that are going on with our family! Instead of looking up information about your random hobby, why won't you FIRST take care of the responsibilites that you have put off with in our home?!?!" She was screaming. Screaming. Rage and frustration ran through her veins in such an uncontrollable fashion. This was the point of no return. She had allowed herself to lose complete control.

"You're acting like a psycho. Listen to yourself!!" and as soon as the words came out of his mouth, he had to dodge a cup of ice and water that she had thrown at his head.

"Don't say that I'm psycho. Don't Say That!!!! You know that saying that is the worst thing you could do right now, and you're doing it anyway." In her head, though, she knew that by throwing that cup at him, she was prooving him right. She was acting crazy.

The day before, God had given her a vision for a ministry. It was all about Mom's. It was a ministry that she needed more than anything, so writing an outline for that vision seemed hypocritical of her. Satan was great at telling her "HA! You have too many issues to help anyone else out." But God was sweet. He reminded her that the vision was, in fact, for her. He gave her a peace about the program, and she found herself saying, "Even if I'm the only person that reads this outline, and I'm the only one that goes through the steps of this program, it is still an amazing gift from God. He knows exactly what I need, and how desperate I am for change. Should God decide to use this program for other mom's, then praise to Him. And praise to Him that I get to use this program, that He designed it just for me."

But tonight, she was defeated. Tonight, she felt as though she had been shoved into a pit in which she was the laborer for the hole. Tonight she couldn't see straight, or think clearly. She could only feel the anxiety, and stress, and fear that came with raising 3 small children, and preparing for the upcoming school year (in which she would be homeschooling). Frustration that came from staying up so late, and waking up too early. Anxiety that swallowed her, and lied to her, and made her feel as though nothing could take away the stress that came with her life. And anger that told her how terrible her husband was, and how awful he is for not choosing to help her take care of their home, and the million 'things-that-needed-to-be-done" list.

And her reaction to his seat in front of his computer, looking up information on his specific hobby, was absolutely the worst possible thing she could have done.

Oh, the liar Satan was telling her how lazy her husband was, and how terrible it is that her heartfelt pleas to her husband for help and support have been ignored. She had so many tears and emotionally exhuasting conversations with her husband about her desperation for more involvement from him. "Please help me figure out how to take care of our kids. Please help me remember important things that need to be done. Please help me figure out a way to pay for 'this' and plan for 'that'. Please. Please. Tears. Pleading and Crying.

Yet, he had continually focused on his hobby, completely ignoring her exhaustion, and cries for help.

The Liar told the wife that she had 'every right' to 'tell him off'. And a lot of good it did her to listen. Eve eating an apple, The Wife shouting at her husband. No difference. None at all.

The wife, is, with out question, overwhelmed. She does have too much on her list of responsibilities, and she does take on many task that are not hers to accomplish., (but her husbands). And the choices the wife has are limited. Put up or shut up. Deal with it, or be miserable. (So she thinks).

Who is she going to be tommorow? Patient? Uncontrolled? Angry? Peaceful?

She doesn't even know the answer to this. She has no idea. But she is trying so hard to figure it out. She has been trying. In her failure, she loses sight of hope. But in her Father, she sees that His Plan is not going to fail. So hope clings to life. She'll try again.

1 comment:

  1. Wow...did you set up a hidden camera in my house last week?!

    And did you read my mind? Especially my thoughts regarding my hubby?!

    Keep your chin up...keep your eyes on God. And keep knowing that Satan is indeed the father of all lies.

    I've been in a panic lately too. I think its normal. I had a claustrophobic feeling every day last week after being with my kids all day, day in and day out. Listening to them fight, trying to get lessons in, and keeping the house presentable at the same time. Barely able to stay afloat. Hard work! But I'll figure it out with God's grace. And so will you.

    I know you've been called by God to do this homeschooling thing. So have I. Therefore, we're in His will. So why WOULDN'T Satan go after us with everything he has?

    You're a wonderful wife/mom/teacher and your're going to be fine!

    Praying for you!