For as long as I can remember, literally, since I was 4 or 5 years old, I've had a desire to sing. Not just sing, like tra-le-da-di-dah sing, but I mean 'SANG-it-Girl!!!! ' sing. My sister has an incredible voice..... INCREDIBLE! When we were little, she and I sang together all of the time! Young children can discern a genuine praise and an 'oh, ya... you did a good job' praise, and I was always on the receiving end of the 'hmmm....that was good', rather than the beaming eyes and the radiantly proud smile that my mom shined at my sister after each perfromance of 'Jesus Loves Me' or 'Amazing Grace'.
I think that I pretty much gave up on singing before I actually had the opportunity to truly try it out. I wrote it off as a talent that my sister got, so it must mean that I wasn't going to get the ability to use my voice. That thinking also goes for art. My older brother received glory and awe over his ability to color, and creatively draw something with out any sort of lessons or classes. It's just something he's always been able to do. It's something I've always wanted to do, and I've tried to do, but I can't even get the stick man figures to look right....
So, growing up, I would do comparisons to my siblings. My brother, the artist. My sister, the singer. And then, there was me..... I had no talent to offer. Seriously- zero natural ability in anything creative. (It may be a middle child syndrome).
Soon, though, I began to write. I actually remember the first thing I wrote. I was in elementary school, maybe first or second grade. Our teacher gave us a few pieces of paper and told us to write a story, something that we made up, and we were to make the story in the fashion of a 'book'. No big deal. When I had finished my 'book', I remember my teacher being stunned, and I remember her personally giving my mom the book, and my mom was 'wowed'! I didn't really think it was that great, it was just a story that I made up about a chicken that was flying in an airplane. But these grown ups were impressed, so it made me assume I had done something good.
During middle school and especially high school, I wrote a lot! Mostly poetry. It wasn't for recognition, it was just an outlet for me. Not many people had even read what I wrote, and I didn't save any of it, because it wasn't something I thought was worth keeping.
Recently, I've been writing more and more. Although much of what I write is in the form of a blog, I've also been writing out revelations. I write in my head, if that even makes sense. I wrote a story about a dream I had, I write to my husband here and there..... But in the last year, I've had lyrics and melodic phrases in my head!
About 8 months ago I wrote a song.... and it sparked an enourmous jolt of frustration in me. I mean!!! I have this song, but not a single part of me is able to put what I hear in my head into my vocal chords. I don't play a musical instrument, and I don't have enough rythym to even tap out the beat that would match the direction I have in mind for the song. Finally, I just stuffed the finished product into a folder, and decided that I wasn't going to mess around with it. It's very emotional to have a vision and not have the ability to see that vision carried out. So, I just gave up. To this day, I can't even remember where I put that folder..... because I had no desire to bring it back out of it's hiding place.
But, God recently gave me another song, (a different song for a different reason). I feel almost certain that it was God that put the lyrics in my head, because just before I wrote it, I made a statement that went along the lines of 'If God will give me the words, I'll put them on paper...." There are other things that go along with this story, things that I'll share if I'm able to, but I'm not going to get in to all that now. The point is, it wasn't just the lyrics that God gave me... it was the title and the direction in which the title would take to form the song....
Anyway, RIGHT after making the statement , I literally opened up my notebook and wrote this song. And as I finished writing the second verse, listening to it in my head as I wrote it, and then hearing the power of the singer's voice as they went into the chorus, I got a lump in my throat. It could be a powerful song, it could minister to so many people! And then that ache and that frustration came back. Here I am again!!!! A vision. A song. No voice to sing it, or musical talent to play out the sound that I hear.... So. So. SOOOOOO!!!! Frustrating!!!
But this song, the one I am sorta kinda thinking that God gave me, it's for a particular group of people. It's not for me to keep, (thank GOD!).
Or, it could be that I am too self-conscience and too wimpy to do what I feel like I'm sappose to do, and hand over those lyrics to the people I think they are meant for. Just thinking about it makes me jittery..... I was nervous letting my husband read the words, HOW AM I going to hand it over to someone I barely know?!??!?
I know I need to do it, but I feel overwhelmed. God may have to give me a kick in the rear.... if it's something He wants me to do soon. Otherwise, I'm going to just sit still for a bit, and make sure it's something I am suppose to do." (ahhhh... **wringing hands and biting lip***!!! This is crazy! Why am I second guessing myself. And God!!!)
8 months ago