Monday, March 21, 2011

I Used to Be Me

I used to have giddy, goofy, dorky, laugh-til-I-almost peed-myself moments.  Out of nowhere, for absolutely NO good reason at all- I'd jump into "I'm such a big DORK" mode and act-a-fool.

I miss that relaxation.  Laughter is the best medicine?  Hook me up to an IV please.   I know it's a season, and I know it's a tough one to be living in right now, but I am missing out on my use-to-be ability to be a free spirit.  I'm still tired and foggy-minded, and slow to gain energy and emotionally blah and high and low.  There hasn't been much room for giddy-goofy dorky me.

That person is still in me, though.  The 20 year old that didn't have any real responsibilities.  The younger me that didn't overly concern myself with when laundry was going to get done, because mine was the only  load that needed to be washed, or what to cook for dinner, because a bag of Cheetos would do just fine.  There's still a non-sleep deprived human being living in me somewhere- somewhere- somewhere?

Taking care of  a family is the MOST thankless job that could ever exist.  We know this to be true.  There is no reward for being a parent.  Nothing tangible.  Nothing concrete.  We can't assure ourselves that our children are going to grow up to be well-rounded individuals.  For GOODNESS sake, that may be the very reason my head is half-gray at 30; fear and stress over whether or not I'm accomplishing much-of-anything good in my motherhood?

It's easy to become consumed.  I talk about this more than I should, but it's just the plain-ol-ugly truth.  It's hard-HARD hard so-dang-hard to do this parent thing.  This mom thing is just hard.

I've never been a 'working' (outside the house) mom, but there are times I wish I had chosen that road.  To be out of our house, working a job that thanked me for my efforts with a pay check and an annual review complete with a written report that stated how awesome I was, and in what ways I can improve.

Wouldn't that be great?! To have an annual review of our parenting?
"Well, Mommy? I've been really happy with breakfast and lunch... but dinner needs some work.  Lighten up a bit on the garlic, and serve more chocolate... Oh, and the way you helped me deal with that girl from school that called me a poo-poo head- that was great! It really helped me to hear that I am really NOT a poo-poo head, and that I shouldn't worry about somebody saying that I am..."

I think that's the toughest part.  I don't know how I'm doing.  I don't know WHAT I'm doing.  I don't know what the results are going to be, I don't know where I'm failing or how I'm failing or how I'm excelling or....  anything!

It's hard to relax when the lives of 3 human beings are on my shoulder.  There are times that the tension in my heart is so great that I literally find myself holding my hand to my chest, wondering if God made some huge mistake in giving me these children.

And, as I write this, He reminds me that I have to be willing to turn THEM over to HIM, trusting that HE will take care of the short-comings that I am sure to meet in raising these girls.  I can't be perfect.  They  won't be perfect.  I have to hand them over..... I have to STOP being insane and stressed and gray-hair-breeding.

I need to be the way I use to.... or something close to it.  Serious, yet Dorky.... Giddy and Goofy...  with a hint of Structure and a side of Carefree.

Taking care of one's self is harder to do when that self has 3 other little lives to care for.

I forgot that I use to be me....

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