Tuesday, March 15, 2011

He Spoke.

I know that He talks to me.  Deliberately, He speaks to me.

But sometimes? I don't know what He's saying.  Sometimes it's not totally clear.

In a song, on March 3, 2011 He spoke a clear and crisp message.  I wrote it down on a large canvas.  It says:

"He brought me to this brokenness....."

I already knew He was working on  me, but this message confirmed that I was going to get taken further into a place of brokenness, and in His sweetness He chose to reveal to me that He was taking me there.  
He prepared me.  (He is SO GOOD!)

The date has a relevance.  It makes me so sad to realize it, but it also humbles me.  

It was 7 days later that I came into a place of slight recognition as to what path of brokenness I was traveling down.  

On the 8th day it was fully confirmed.  And to be totally frank- it sucked to be there.  
Even though I knew He brought me there, I still felt angry.  And lost.  And empty.

It was on this day that God answered my heart cry when I prayed that He would lead me to somebody that would give me an answer.  I wanted clear instructions and a direct answer from Him answering my gut wrenching question

"How do I deal with this?!"

The answer came: "Pray it Through"

On the 9th day I remained empty, despite His willingness to speak to me.  I felt myself moving toward hopelessness.  It was a dark place to be, mainly cause I had already lived in that darkness before and  I knew how miserable it was going to be.   

And on the 10th day He spoke to me again.  The 10th day was Sunday, March 13.

We went to church and God spoke to my heart through our pastor.  Topic: "Forgiveness".

I received the message in my spirit, but in my flesh I questioned my ability to see and allow that forgiveness come to life.

Later, as I was alone in my car, I found myself (literally) driving without a destination.....   I chose to drive aimlessly until I had an answer. I didn't know the question, and I hadn't a clue as to what I expected to hear.  I just wanted an answer.

30 minutes later I had a destination to head toward- so I plugged the address into my GPS and got on the highway.

 I looked at the sky in front of me and noticed how blue and bright and clear and beautiful it was.  I noticed that all around, the sky was perfectly clear, except for a single white-puffy-cloud.  I said in my heart, with awe and humility "God! You can speak to me through that cloud."  I wasn't 'asking' Him to.  I just proclaimed the Truth that I knew "You can."

And He did.

I was one exit away from my destination, and the cloud was in my direct line of sight.  I watched as the cloud started to feather and break apart. (Remember- I was looking for an answer but I didn't have the question)

The cloud started to form the letters  J  e  s   in a feathered cursive form.  I began crying from the pit of my soul.  It didn't finish forming any other letters, but I knew He was telling me that the answer to my question was "J e s u s".

He wasn't finished answering the question that I had yet to form.

I can't explain it, but those letters, as miraculous as they were- they were not the full message.  I was humbled by God's willingness to SHOW me that HE can and will and DID speak to me through a simple cloud.  The tears that I was crying were belly-sobs of awe.

I kept my eye on the cloud.  I knew He had more to say.  And in those few seconds, I realized that I was waiting on God to remove the cloud completely.  My turning signal was on, and my heart was heavy.  "God! Are you going to remove the cloud before I get off of the highway?"  And just as I asked the question, I turned my eyes toward the exit I was to get off of, and then took one last glance at the cloud- the cloud was completely gone.  

In a matter of seconds, the cloud had started to form the word "J E S U S" and then it fully disappeared.

I know that He allowed me to experience a miracle.  And there are parts of His message to me that I understand, but then the other parts, I can't quite grasp.  

To recall the vastness of this miracle is quite challenging. If anyone else were to tell me this personally, or if I were to read these words elsewhere,  I would assume the story teller was totally exaggerating something they had imagined.  

It's too fantastic to believe that God would take the time to directly speak to me, but truly and fantastically- He did.

I realized that He spoke to me because He wants to speak to me.  He wants to speak to all of us.  
He chose to speak in that moment because my heart was fully open to receive His word to me.  

 I've not quite grasped the enormity of His message.  

I would assume that He was telling me that Jesus is the answer to removing an obstacle.  And though that is the full on Truth- "Jesus IS THE ANSWER to removing debilitating obstacles from our life." I can't help but  feel like God has more to say to me.

I need so desperately to know.  Though I know He spoke to me, I want Him to tell me more.  I want Him to sit down on my couch with me, and hold my hand, and say "Daughter!  This is what I want you to do....." 

He gave me a  message through a person, and through a miraculous sign....   shouldn't that be enough?  Am I just naive?  Why don't I know what direction He wants me to go in?

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