Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Who knows?

I actually got my hiney in the bed at 10:30. At 11:30, I got back out of bed. And here I am, at 1:00 in the morning..... and I don't know why. I was tired. I was dozing. But I wanted to go down stairs and make sure the dish washer wasn't spazzing out, because I felt this strange sort of 'shaking' feeling. And of course, while I was down stairs, I decided to grab some water, and call my sis who is working 3rd shift these days. We chat for a bit. And again.... here I am. Doing nothing important.

Ok. Part of me has to sort of assume that I'm sleepless due to the fact that I've been thinking about 'thing's that I should NOT be thinking about. No disclosure will be given; don't ask. It's very personal. But let's just say that the fact that God knows my every thought makes me want to cure my stupid thinking even sooner!

It's so tough being a Christian. The devil just loooves picking on us, and turning something that is probably not even a big deal into a terrible guilt, or putting those 'what if's' into our brains. I just wanna whine, "Leave me alone ya mean ugly devil. Wah!", or act like a child and do some hard core tattle-telling... "God!!!! The devil won't leave me a-loooone, he keeps picking on me, and ITS. NOT. FAIR. Wah!"

I don't know what to do. Not sure how to cure this insomnia. Not sure how to cure my idiot thinking. Not sure if either are even treatable. The brain is what it is. A machine. It won't stop working. My thoughts are forever going. I've prayed about it so much, and really, on the outside, I am so awesome at acting like I'm not phased, or distracted. But I am! And! The thing that is killing me the most? I am not good at keeping stuff bottled up. NOPE. I am a talker, expresser, sort of lay it down and deal with it kind of person. I can't quite recall the last time I dealt with something silently. Literally, I tell my husband everything. He and my sister know every single gorry detail of Amber K. Anderson. I'm mostly a very transparent person. Even to friends, and aquaintences, I am myself... completely. I can't STAND not being able to just BLURT out what is in my head. Ugh!

And thankfully, on this subject, I can talk to my sister a bit. I can't really 'talk it out' fully, the way I normally do, because time doesn't quite make it possible, but I can enough to get the majority of it off of my heavy shoulders. Annoyingly, (again), it's probably not even something that is 'that big of a deal'. It's just on my brain.

Yes. I am so very tired right now. I don't think I'll be making sense to anyone reading this entry. And that's ok. I am a selfish blogger (as noted before) and I tend to write for myself anyway. This is my silent vent.

No comments:

Post a Comment