Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Blocked by Grace

Typically I write  because there are things on my brain that need to NOT be on my brain; some of those thoughts need to be shared because they pertain to the AWEsomeness of my children, and I want them to be written into a physical place so that when I need to remember how AMAZING my life as a mommy is, I have a reference point.

Or? When I need to remember the facts that surround the FAITH that I have in Jesus Christ, I can recall just how quickly and effectively He ministered to my heart in JUST the perfect time just by reading my own personal biography.

Some of these thoughts are scattered and confusing and I write them down and type them out to get clarity: writing takes the puzzle that is inside my head and lays out the pieces, right-side-up.

There are times that I am just SO fired up about a subject or circumstance that writing becomes my ventilation.

I s'pose the reasons to my passion for writing are actually too varied to continue pointing out WHY-IT-IS that I write.

Lately- I've lost that passion and drive;  I am in neutral....
 I know it still exist inside of me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to park my rear on my couch, plop my notebook in my lap and go to that  place of quiet chaos inside my thoughts so that I can remove the chaos and sit inside the quiet.

Writing is my therapy.  It is FOR ME, and only for me.  I don't write to please anyone; but I do share what I write, because I know that somehow- in my reality- there is someone out there that has been where I am, and has felt what I've felt.  It's because I've read so many of my own thoughts and feelings inside someone else's writing that I decided to share the depths of my joys and sorrows, thus removing the "lie" that tries to convince all of us that we are alone, and totally alone, in how we are experiencing this life.

I "figure stuff out" when I write.  EVERY time I write- I discover SOMETHING.

I think this is why I've temporarily lost that passion.  I DO NOT NEED to discover anything new right now.  I can't handle another revelation.  My brain goes into auto-analyze mode, and without trying to, I "figure stuff out".

Like? Just now.  I figured out WHY I haven't been writing.  Just a few sentences ago, the answer to my rambling question was answered.  I'm NOT blocked.  I'm numb.  I'm worn out.  I'm NOT available to take on anything new.  I didn't PLAN on writing that.  It came to me AS I was typing.

I started writing this post JUST TO FIGURE out why I haven't wanted to write. Why have I been blocked?  Just when I need to use my own personal therapy, in the season that I need to make sure that confusion is REMOVED completely, in this time frame that typically- writing would have been my "saving grace"- I have been incapable of holding my thoughts together long enough to empty them out.

The truth is- I've been blocked by Grace.  God chose to remove my ability so that I could simply ReST in HIS understanding, and HIS truth, and HIS way.  He didn't need me to figure this out. He didn't (doesn't) WANT me to figure this out.  HE wants me to sit still.

He wants me to sit still.


I once asked a hard question to a person while we were both in the company of a wise man- and JUST as that person was about to answer the question, the wise man stepped in, held his hand up as though he was blocking a flying object from my face and said:
"NO!  No.  Do NOT answer that."
And the wise man looked at me and said "YOU CAN NOT handle the answer.  I know you WANT to know it.  I know you do.  But.  You can't handle hearing it right now."

And he was right.

I wanted the answer.  I WANTED it.  But I couldn't handle it.

That's GRACE.

Not getting what we want, because GOD knows we can't handle it.
Not getting what we deserve.....
Not getting what we (think) we need.....

Grace is  not getting to write, so that I won't get answers to questions that I am not ready to know.

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