Insecurity: Reader's Digest Version

(minus the preface- because I got a little wordy).


In the 7+ years since I last 'worked' a regular job I have found that my security is still often found in affirmation (or the lack-there-of).  Each and every time I find myself doing something 'new', I look around like a lost child for somebody to 'help' me.  Someone to tell me I'm "doing great".  Someone to rate me.  Someone to constructively criticize me.  Someone to pat me on the back, or kick me in the rear.  I suppose in all actuality, I wasn't just looking for affirmation- I simply looking for something to help me know "how I was doing". 

As a mom, it's hit or miss  (mostly miss) as to whether or not I'm going to get that needed "good job! you're great! I like what you're doing.".  I've learned to look for it in different ways.  Maybe it's when my 7 year old hits a maturity-growth spurt and I see her flourishing as she interacts with her friends at school instead of pouting or whining.  It may be when my 5 year old bounces around the house like the tender-loving-goof-ball that she is singing "I love you, Mommy!  I love you!"  And at times, it's when my 3 year old is quietly playing with blocks instead of deconstructing our living room with markers and paint.

And I am so quick to shoot myself down, so quickly I find something that I lack, something that makes me less-than-decent, I find all of the wrong that I've done, and I see all the ways that I fail. 

I see piles of laundry that beat me down with their odorous stench, reminding me of just how terribly Ido manage my time and my resources.

I see cluttered floors that trip me up and take me further down a few notches, telling me that I should be able to keep a clean house like a 'normal' stay at home mom does.

I see a blog with empty and unfinished post and a book yet to be written half way through, helping me to realize that being a writer isn't where I'm going to find myself anytime soon.

I see chubby thighs and flabby arms that harshly encourage me to forgo my sloth and hit the gym (and stop eating so many Cheez-Its forGoodnessSAKE!).

But if YOU were to tell me all of these things about yourself, I'd knock you off your pity party and remind you of how unfair you were being to yourself.  HECK!  If YOU were to tell me all of these things about MYSELF, I'd defend my cluttered floors and chunky butt with ALL of the reasons why I shan't be made to feel less-than-what-I-am.

Isn't in interesting?!  How insecurity plays tricks and manipulates our thought!?  Isn't it interesting that, in everything a person can accomplish- it's rare to find a true sense of security in so many of us human beings!

I've never looked at a Lion and thought
"Awww.  She'd be able to kill that little baby deer if she'd just stop feeling so badly about herself." 

Lord, NO!  A Lioness knows that if she's hungry, she's gotta hunt, and once she sets her eyes on her meal, she's gonna be eatin'.  And I'm willing to bet that she doesn't feel a bit of insecurity about her ability to feed her lion mate or train her babies to be great lions and lioness'.   

Perhaps that's the problem?  Perhaps I was never trained to be a great mother.  Or a great wife.  Or a great writer.  Perhaps I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, or how I'm suppose to be doing it.  Perhaps my insecurity comes from something as small as "not knowing". 

That's where the enemy grabs up some trampling ground.  The bible says that Satan is the "author of confusion".  It's true.  He wrote a novel pinpointing all of my insecurities, all of my short-comings, all of my "I don't know what I'm doing's", and he reads it to me daily. 

My failure isn't anything that he says it is.  My failure is simply allowing that 'novel' to be read to me by the author of LIES.

Here's what I know:

God directs my path. 
He will make a way for me. 
He is the official author of Truth, and Love, and Security.


I forget this often.  I am who I am because HE made me who I should be.  If I fail- it's a blessing to learn from my mistakes- not an option to beat myself up.  If I prosper- it's a blessing from HIM and not an opportunity to boast in my ability; but that doesn't give me the right to tear myself down, either.

The Lord used a situation that I was in recently to reveal just how terribly insecure I really am.  I had been starving for an affirming word to the point of tears, and had gotten myself into a pit of emotional malfunction.  God kept whispering "Hey- why are you hoping to find your security in that?"  and I kept ignoring His question. 

Finally, He roared in my heart
"DO NOT FIND AFFIRMATION IN THOSE THINGS!!!  FIND. IT. IN. ME."

I heard Him loud and clear.  And found myself asking questions and hearing answers.  I discovered a few very important life-points that I hope to remember.

A.
If I'm doing anything, I have to be certain that I require no affirmations afterward.  Furthermore- I should expectnothing in return.    Whether it be cooking my family a meal, or building somebody a house.... If I do anything it needs to be out of a genuine heart to "do" and not to "get".

B.
If ever (whenEVER) I find myself in a pit- I have GOT to remember to check the reality of why it is that I'm in that pit.  Did I mess up or am I just being insecure? 

C.
Take the 'playback' and 'predict' off of my options menu. 
DO NOT play back situations that you were in and pick yourself apart.
Stop predicting what someone is going to say and/or do as a way to convince yourself that you shouldn't approach and/or move forward with something you know you should do.  Example: If you need to apologize, don't assume it's going to be a waste of your time because you "know" the other person is going to rip-you-a-new-one.  Just apologize.  


It seems as if many of us are insecure.  I know that among the friends and family that I have, at least those who are willing to admit it, that this is a true statement.  It's not just women, either ya'll.  Men, too.  Maybe even more so.

So I'm not alone in my insecurity.  But I don't want to stay in it, either. 

Insecurity

I was the newcomer at my job.  21 years young, and completely uncertain of myself.  I had worked in that type of environment before; but I'd never had the position that I was now holding.  I was a part of the management team,  I was on a salary....  I was scared out of my skin!

I had to "fake it so I'd make it."  That was all there was to it.  The person that hired me found something in me that told her that I was a good fit for the job.  I applied for the job because I had found something in me that said that I could not only do the job, but also love what I was doing.

The position I held was an Activities Director at an Assisted Living Facility.  My job was to come up with, initiate, and lead the senior residents at the facility in various activities.  There were some that were very mobile and cognitive, some were immobile and unaware, and there were some in between.  Easy enough.  We filled our days with Bingo, "Spa" treatments (nails painted, hand massages, etc. given by Yours Truly), we had 'lunch dates' out, we went to local Farmers Markets and picked corn and beans to shuck and snap.  We did it all.  We had a blast!!  That was the easy part.  THAT was the rewarding part.

If ever I questioned myself, if ever I felt concerned that I was failing- those sweet, loving, and oh-so-wise senior friends of mine would (unknowingly) snuff out all those insecurities by lifting me up, by thanking me for being there for them, by loving on me.  Even those that were going downhill in their dementia would somehow affirm me through their words, or smiles, or lightened up eyes when I entered their room.

Alongside that role, I also needed to be in contact with the residents' family via a monthly newsletter and calendar that I was to create and send out.

I needed to schedule doctor's appointments on the days that I had set aside to help the residents "run errands".  It made them feel more independent- to come to me and say "I want to go get my nails done; can we fit that in on Tuesday."  or "I'd like to go to Rite Aid and pick up some new makeup".

And then there were some that simply did not want to participate.  They were bitter about their circumstances.  Many were depressed.  I went 'out of the box' and chose to coddle these ones; knowing that they wouldn't participate at all in any corporate activity- I chose to go-to-them.  I knocked on their door,  I sat on the edge of their bed, or beside them on their couch, and we chatted.  That's all they needed; somebody to talk to, and somebody to listen.  And that's what I gave them, and that's what I loved the most about my job.

That "job" (and I quote job because more often that not it was more than a pleasure to be doing what I was doing) enabled me to grow in more ways than I realized it had.  

Through all the affirmations that I recieved (from residents and their family members), I found my security.
But then, there was my boss.  She didn't quite view me the way others did.  She was often unhappy with how I utilized my time.  She was often frustrated when I visited residents 'one on one' instead of pushing them to join in on our activities.  She stressed me out more than I care to recall.  And to be fair- she was right in many ways.  I didn't do 'the job' the way she would have done it, and in was her right to enforce her requirements on me.

It was rare that she affirmed me.  Rare.  And though I had my praises sung on a daily basis by the residents that I cherished so dearly-  the chastising and ridicule that she offered broke me back into insecurities shape.

Affirmation.  Oh, how I love thee.  Oh, how I need you!

Leaving my position as an Activities Director came to pass when my new role as "mommy" took over.  Talk about a 180.  Or was it?!  I suppose I found a few affirmations in the sweet slumber that my  newborn offered me right after she finished nursing.  And I may have took it as a personal compliment each-and-every-time anyone doted on how sweet and beautiful my baby girl was (and still is.... )

In the 7+ years since I last 'worked' a regular job I have found that my security is still often found in affirmation (or the lack-there-of).  Each and every time I find myself doing something 'new', I look around like a lost child for somebody to 'help' me.  Someone to tell me I'm "doing great".  Someone to rate me.  Someone to constructively criticize me.  Someone to pat me on the back, or kick me in the rear.  I suppose in all actuality, I wasn't just looking for affirmation- I simply looking for something to help me know "how I was doing".

As a mom, it's hit or miss  (mostly miss) as to whether or not I'm going to get that needed "good job! you're great! I like what you're doing.".  I've learned to look for it in different ways.  Maybe it's when my 7 year old hits a maturity-growth spurt and I see her flourishing as she interacts with her friends at school instead of pouting or whining.  It may be when my 5 year old bounces around the house like the tender-loving-goof-ball that she is singing "I love you, Mommy!  I love you!"  And at times, it's when my 3 year old is quietly playing with blocks instead of deconstructing our living room with markers and paint.

And I am so quick to shoot myself down, so quickly I find something that I lack, something that makes me less-than-decent, I find all of the wrong that I've done, and I see all the ways that I fail.

I see piles of laundry that beat me down with their odorous stench, reminding me of just how terribly I do manage my time and my resources.

I see cluttered floors that trip me up and take me further down a few notches, telling me that I should be able to keep a clean house like a 'normal' stay at home mom does.

I see a blog with empty and unfinished post and a book yet to be written half way through, helping me to realize that being a writer isn't where I'm going to find myself anytime soon.

I see chubby thighs and flabby arms that harshly encourage me to forgo my sloth and hit the gym (and stop eating so many Cheez-Its forGoodnessSAKE!).

But if YOU were to tell me all of these things about yourself, I'd knock you off your pity party and remind you of how unfair you were being to yourself.  HECK!  If YOU were to tell me all of these things about MYSELF, I'd defend my cluttered floors and chunky butt with ALL of the reasons why I shan't be made to feel less-than-what-I-am.

Isn't in interesting?!  How insecurity plays tricks and manipulates our thought!?  Isn't it interesting that, in everything a person can accomplish- it's rare to find a true sense of security in so many of us human beings!

I've never looked at a Lion and thought
"Awww.  She'd be able to kill that little baby deer if she'd just stop feeling so badly about herself."

Lord, NO!  A Lioness knows that if she's hungry, she's gotta hunt, and once she sets her eyes on her meal, she's gonna be eatin'.  And I'm willing to bet that she doesn't feel a bit of insecurity about her ability to feed her lion mate or train her babies to be great lions and lioness'.  

Perhaps that's the problem?  Perhaps I was never trained to be a great mother.  Or a great wife.  Or a great writer.  Perhaps I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, or how I'm suppose to be doing it.  Perhaps my insecurity comes from something as small as "not knowing".

That's where the enemy grabs up some trampling ground.  The bible says that Satan is the "author of confusion".  It's true.  He wrote a novel pinpointing all of my insecurities, all of my short-comings, all of my "I don't know what I'm doing's", and he reads it to me daily.

My failure isn't anything that he says it is.  My failure is simply allowing that 'novel' to be read to me by the author of LIES.

Here's what I know:

God directs my path.
He will make a way for me.
He is the official author of Truth, and Love, and Security.


I forget this often.  I am who I am because HE made me who I should be.  If I fail- it's a blessing to learn from my mistakes- not an option to beat myself up.  If I prosper- it's a blessing from HIM and not an opportunity to boast in my ability; but that doesn't give me the right to tear myself down, either.

The Lord used a situation that I was in recently to reveal just how terribly insecure I really am.  I had been starving for an affirming word to the point of tears, and had gotten myself into a pit of emotional malfunction.  God kept whispering "Hey- why are you hoping to find your security in that?"  and I kept ignoring His question.

Finally, He roared in my heart
"DO NOT FIND AFFIRMATION IN THOSE THINGS!!!  FIND. IT. IN. ME."

I heard Him loud and clear.  And found myself asking questions and hearing answers.  I discovered a few very important life-points that I hope to remember.

A.
If I'm doing anything, I have to be certain that I require no affirmations afterward.  Furthermore- I should expect nothing in return.    Whether it be cooking my family a meal, or building somebody a house.... If I do anything it needs to be out of a genuine heart to "do" and not to "get".

B.
If ever (whenEVER) I find myself in a pit- I have GOT to remember to check the reality of why it is that I'm in that pit.  Did I mess up or am I just being insecure?

C.
Take the 'playback' and 'predict' off of my options menu.
DO NOT play back situations that you were in and pick yourself apart.
Stop predicting what someone is going to say and/or do as a way to convince yourself that you shouldn't approach and/or move forward with something you know you should do.  Example: If you need to apologize, don't assume it's going to be a waste of your time because you "know" the other person is going to rip-you-a-new-one.  Just apologize.  


It seems as if many of us are insecure.  I know that among the friends and family that I have, at least those who are willing to admit it, that this is a true statement.  It's not just women, either ya'll.  Men, too.  Maybe even more so.

So I'm not alone in my insecurity.  But I don't want to stay in it, either.

What are some ways that you ward of insecurity?

Blocked by Grace

Typically I write  because there are things on my brain that need to NOT be on my brain; some of those thoughts need to be shared because they pertain to the AWEsomeness of my children, and I want them to be written into a physical place so that when I need to remember how AMAZING my life as a mommy is, I have a reference point.

Or? When I need to remember the facts that surround the FAITH that I have in Jesus Christ, I can recall just how quickly and effectively He ministered to my heart in JUST the perfect time just by reading my own personal biography.

Some of these thoughts are scattered and confusing and I write them down and type them out to get clarity: writing takes the puzzle that is inside my head and lays out the pieces, right-side-up.

There are times that I am just SO fired up about a subject or circumstance that writing becomes my ventilation.

I s'pose the reasons to my passion for writing are actually too varied to continue pointing out WHY-IT-IS that I write.

Lately- I've lost that passion and drive;  I am in neutral....
 I know it still exist inside of me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to park my rear on my couch, plop my notebook in my lap and go to that  place of quiet chaos inside my thoughts so that I can remove the chaos and sit inside the quiet.

Writing is my therapy.  It is FOR ME, and only for me.  I don't write to please anyone; but I do share what I write, because I know that somehow- in my reality- there is someone out there that has been where I am, and has felt what I've felt.  It's because I've read so many of my own thoughts and feelings inside someone else's writing that I decided to share the depths of my joys and sorrows, thus removing the "lie" that tries to convince all of us that we are alone, and totally alone, in how we are experiencing this life.

I "figure stuff out" when I write.  EVERY time I write- I discover SOMETHING.

I think this is why I've temporarily lost that passion.  I DO NOT NEED to discover anything new right now.  I can't handle another revelation.  My brain goes into auto-analyze mode, and without trying to, I "figure stuff out".

Like? Just now.  I figured out WHY I haven't been writing.  Just a few sentences ago, the answer to my rambling question was answered.  I'm NOT blocked.  I'm numb.  I'm worn out.  I'm NOT available to take on anything new.  I didn't PLAN on writing that.  It came to me AS I was typing.

I started writing this post JUST TO FIGURE out why I haven't wanted to write. Why have I been blocked?  Just when I need to use my own personal therapy, in the season that I need to make sure that confusion is REMOVED completely, in this time frame that typically- writing would have been my "saving grace"- I have been incapable of holding my thoughts together long enough to empty them out.

The truth is- I've been blocked by Grace.  God chose to remove my ability so that I could simply ReST in HIS understanding, and HIS truth, and HIS way.  He didn't need me to figure this out. He didn't (doesn't) WANT me to figure this out.  HE wants me to sit still.

He wants me to sit still.

HE. WANTS. ME. TO. SIT. STILL.

I once asked a hard question to a person while we were both in the company of a wise man- and JUST as that person was about to answer the question, the wise man stepped in, held his hand up as though he was blocking a flying object from my face and said:
"NO!  No.  Do NOT answer that."
And the wise man looked at me and said "YOU CAN NOT handle the answer.  I know you WANT to know it.  I know you do.  But.  You can't handle hearing it right now."

And he was right.

I wanted the answer.  I WANTED it.  But I couldn't handle it.

That's GRACE.

Not getting what we want, because GOD knows we can't handle it.
Not getting what we deserve.....
Not getting what we (think) we need.....

Grace is  not getting to write, so that I won't get answers to questions that I am not ready to know.

Shedding the Plastic

I am in LOVE with Jesus. I am in forever awe of our Mighty God. 

But I am a sucky Christian. 

I know the Truth and love the Truth.... yet I can so quickly walk away from it?! I don't understand that. 

God spoke to me. "I'm going to remove that obstacle, Amber. I'm going to." 

And my actions all but call my Savior a liar. He promised, so that means I should park my rear and wait. Right? 
That's what I would tell you. I would say- "Be still. Wait on the Lord!". And I would believe it passionately with everything in me. I would pray for you and hope for you and encourage you to "Wait on the Lord.". 

Why can't I do that for myself? Why can't I wait? Why can't I be still in the Promise that He made to me? 

If I'm going to be transparent, I'll have to explain my heart condition:  I. Am. Angry. 

I'm so mad. And so stinking bitter about circumstances that continue to rear their ugly head in front of the path that I am so desperately trying to stay on. 

I'm fed up. I know that I'm battling a spiritual issue, but find myself constantly telling the "flesh" to put up it's dukes so that I can beat THE HELL out of it. 

I know what the Bible says. 

I know!! 

Don't tell me. Don't re-explain it. 

Dang-it. 

I'm so weak in my spirit. My spirit is a bloody mess. My flesh is, too- but I can see the flesh. It's all-up-in-my-grill, taunting me, harassing me like a 2nd grade kid 'Nanna-nanna-boo-boo'. 

 I am raging against what I can "see" rather than what is "unseen"..... 

And  I know better!  

My heart is broken and I'm watching myself crawl down into a pit. I'm all but seeking refuge in the depth of my own self sorrow. 

Why? 

Maybe it's easier to crawl into that pit than to SUCK-it-Up and fight for Truth? Maybe it's easier to dwell in self pity than to fight for my spirit?

I know i need to fight against the unseen and quit belly aching about the things that I see. 

Is that what I'm going to do? 

Am I going to buck up, stick in my mouth piece and put on my tackle gear so that I can start fighting in a battle that's being lead by the Mightiest Warrior? 

Or am I going to hide in a hole and wait until the enemy destroys me because I'm too lazy to get down to business? 

I. Don't. Know. 

I wish I could write this and say with authority that I'm going to start kicking Hell in the teeth and not look back until Jesus comes to finish what He started. 

But right now I'm weak. And broken. And there is so much of me that feels hopeless and lost. 

Christians aren't s'pose to talk about these things, right!? 

I've heard it said many times that we aren't "representing" what being a Christian is about if we are confessing that we feel hopeless and alone in our struggle. 

Well, guess what!! Being a Christian isn't a plate full if cheesecake and brownies. 

It's not easy. 

It's HARD, buddy! 

P.S., Jesus said it was gonna be hard. Why in the world are we trying to hide the truth that Jesus made so clear?  Dude, Jesus had it hard! He cried bloody tears, people! We think we gotta pretend like we aren't struggling?!? 

It's worth it- please don't get me wrong. In all of the crap that I've gone through, I've witnessed God working in my life. I've seen His might. I've seen His power. I could NEVER turn away from Him. 

But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard. And sometimes lonely. And times, like now, I wanna curl up into my self whiney-ness, pull the covers over my head, and quit trying to finish the race. 

I don't want any sympathy. I want EMPATHY. Tell me I'm not alone in these thoughts and these fears and this struggle.  But don't feel sorry for me. 

God has a plan. I believe He does. I trust Him and know that even if I mess up, He'll still walk beside me.

I really wanted to be honest and real about the thoughts and hardships I face in my walk. I want to remove the lie that we have to ONLY share our praise reports and happy-go-lucky good things. We need to share with one another our hardships, too. As Christians we need to be in REAL fellowship with one another, and that means we need to start shedding the plastic and walk this walk in true transparency! 

Intercession

I continually find myself amazed by how miraculous our God is.

Periodically, I randomly get "pressing" to pray for 'random' people.  Most of the time- it's folks that I'm not in direct relationship with.  Once- it was for Katy Perry.  Ya.  I'm not kidding.  I all but wept praying for Teenage Dream girl.  Every once in a while I hear a song she sings, and I go into auto-pray mode.  "God, speak to her.  Lord- bring her back to you...."

I have some friends that I don't see very often and (thanks to Facebook) I see their name/face/status update and I just go a little fruity for a few minutes and start praying.  Sometimes I pray things that make NO SENSE and I feel thankful that nobody can hear my conversation with the Lord.

Once- I felt prompted to pray for a family member and I said "SO? I feel like I should pray for you...." and I stuck my hand on my husband's shoulder while my husband put his hand on this person's shoulder and I just started praying-my-heart-out.  It was so out-of-the-norm that afterward, said family member commented to my husband "Ok? That was really weird."  And the truth is was really weird.  It's not normal.
It's not typical.   We live in a private, hands off, don't get in my business world.... stepping out of that norm is super-duper-out-of-the-ordinary.

What is so miraculous about our Father is that HE will go to great lengths to lift up and reach His beloved children.  I've been so encouraged by the pressing that has come onto me to pray for others, because I know that if He is using me to pray for other people.....by golly- He's using OTHER people to pray for me, too. Whoo-Hoo.  How amazing!?!  I know that random people pray for me.
I am not guessing.  I KNOW they are.
 
I mean?  I've gone from happy singing in my car to all out weeping (snot-pouring-hiccup-weeping) for somebody else because my heart was saturated with unexplained heaviness....

He loves us.
So compassionately.
So PURELY.
So deeply
    and honestly
         and generously.
                and truly.

He Spoke.

I know that He talks to me.  Deliberately, He speaks to me.

But sometimes? I don't know what He's saying.  Sometimes it's not totally clear.

In a song, on March 3, 2011 He spoke a clear and crisp message.  I wrote it down on a large canvas.  It says:

"He brought me to this brokenness....."

I already knew He was working on  me, but this message confirmed that I was going to get taken further into a place of brokenness, and in His sweetness He chose to reveal to me that He was taking me there.  

He prepared me.  (He is SO GOOD!)

The date has a relevance.  It makes me so sad to realize it, but it also humbles me.  

It was 7 days later that I came into a place of slight recognition as to what path of brokenness I was traveling down.  

On the 8th day it was fully confirmed.  And to be totally frank- it sucked to be there.  
Even though I knew He brought me there, I still felt angry.  And lost.  And empty.

It was on this day that God answered my heart cry when I prayed that He would lead me to somebody that would give me an answer.  I wanted clear instructions and a direct answer from Him answering my gut wrenching question

"How do I deal with this?!"

The answer came: "Pray it Through"

On the 9th day I remained empty, despite His willingness to speak to me.  I felt myself moving toward hopelessness.  It was a dark place to be, mainly cause I had already lived in that darkness before and  I knew how miserable it was going to be.   

And on the 10th day He spoke to me again.  The 10th day was Sunday, March 13.

We went to church and God spoke to my heart through our pastor.  Topic: "Forgiveness".

I received the message in my spirit, but in my flesh I questioned my ability to see and allow that forgiveness come to life.

Later, as I was alone in my car, I found myself (literally) driving without a destination.....   I chose to drive aimlessly until I had an answer. I didn't know the question, and I hadn't a clue as to what I expected to hear.  I just wanted an answer.

30 minutes later I had a destination to head toward- so I plugged the address into my GPS and got on the highway.

 I looked at the sky in front of me and noticed how blue and bright and clear and beautiful it was.  I noticed that all around, the sky was perfectly clear, except for a single white-puffy-cloud.  I said in my heart, with awe and humility "God! You can speak to me through that cloud."  I wasn't 'asking' Him to.  I just proclaimed the Truth that I knew "You can."

And He did.

I was one exit away from my destination, and the cloud was in my direct line of sight.  I watched as the cloud started to feather and break apart. (Remember- I was looking for an answer but I didn't have the question)

The cloud started to form the letters  J  e  s   in a feathered cursive form.  I began crying from the pit of my soul.  It didn't finish forming any other letters, but I knew He was telling me that the answer to my question was "J e s u s".

He wasn't finished answering the question that I had yet to form.

I can't explain it, but those letters, as miraculous as they were- they were not the full message.  I was humbled by God's willingness to SHOW me that HE can and will and DID speak to me through a simple cloud.  The tears that I was crying were belly-sobs of awe.

I kept my eye on the cloud.  I knew He had more to say.  And in those few seconds, I realized that I was waiting on God to remove the cloud completely.  My turning signal was on, and my heart was heavy.  "God! Are you going to remove the cloud before I get off of the highway?"  And just as I asked the question, I turned my eyes toward the exit I was to get off of, and then took one last glance at the cloud- the cloud was completely gone.  

In a matter of seconds, the cloud had started to form the word "J E S U S" and then it fully disappeared.

I know that He allowed me to experience a miracle.  And there are parts of His message to me that I understand, but then the other parts, I can't quite grasp.  

To recall the vastness of this miracle is quite challenging. If anyone else were to tell me this personally, or if I were to read these words elsewhere,  I would assume the story teller was totally exaggerating something they had imagined.  

It's too fantastic to believe that God would take the time to directly speak to me, but truly and fantastically- He did.

I realized that He spoke to me because He wants to speak to me.  He wants to speak to all of us.  

He chose to speak in that moment because my heart was fully open to receive His word to me.  

 I've not quite grasped the enormity of His message.  

I would assume that He was telling me that Jesus is the answer to removing an obstacle.  And though that is the full on Truth- "Jesus IS THE ANSWER to removing debilitating obstacles from our life." I can't help but  feel like God has more to say to me.

I need so desperately to know.  Though I know He spoke to me, I want Him to tell me more.  I want Him to sit down on my couch with me, and hold my hand, and say "Daughter!  This is what I want you to do....." 

He gave me a  message through a person, and through a miraculous sign....   shouldn't that be enough?  Am I just naive?  Why don't I know what direction He wants me to go in?

Rob Bell: "Christian Author"

I don't follow the "news".  Personally- it fires me up, and I'm too busy to put a whole bunch of passion into the things I cannot change.

I intelligently choose to be ignorant.

But? Then, there's Facebook.  It's a sort of "in your face" news feed; where people I care about and respect post their "news", or- "the news they personally care about."

So, my former pastor posted this link about Rob Bell and Universalism.

Blah blah blah- I don't care about Rob Bell.

What I did care about what how easily us "Christians" tend to follow people.  We (myself included) reference authors as though we're referencing the Bible.

"Well? You know, Dr. Dobson says we should spank our kids.... and to do otherwise would be more harmful to them than to not."  (paraphrased)

If I had grown up in a home where my parents never beat-the-tar out of me for being a total brat, I may not have so quickly believed Dr. D's approach to discipline.  However- Dr. D lines up with the big B-I-B-L-E, therefore- he is correct, and I will trust his teaching.

Having said that- there are some authors that teach on theological things that only folks who've been disciplined in Greek and Hebrew and pig-Latin could comprehend.

And this is where we (Christians) can get sucked into False Doctrine.  We don't know if what these people are teaching is true or not.   We assume that because the author is a "christian" and talks about the Bible and God and Jesus, that they are right.

If someone sounds spiritual and uses big words- they have got to know what they're talking about, right?


There was a part of the post that referenced some other dude that got "crucified" for teaching false doctrine:

{these thingy's mean I'm commenting/adding to the original post}

"A larger denomination would take his {Rob Bell's} credentials and excommunicate him like they did to me,” Bishop Pearson told CNN. {*insert whine and boo-hoo's*}

{Pearson} said it reminded him of his days as a charismatic leader of a big church in the largest Pentecostal denomination. His questioning of hell from the pulpit led to his ouster. 

"What happened to me is happening to Rob Bell," Pearson said. "If you denounce hell, it's like you are denouncing God. You’re going to be called a heretic." 

{Because HELL is a reality ya BIG DUMMY, and telling folks there ISN'T a hell IS denouncing the-real-deal GOD}

“I thought my people loved me and would walk through the valley of the shadow of death with me, but they didn’t,” Pearson said.

Interesting, Mr. Pearson.  You thought  that those people that YOU were teaching about GOD, and JESUS, and following the WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT were.... your people  ?!?!

You thought they'd walk through the valley WITH YOU!?!

That's jacked up right there, buddy.  Jacked. UP.

Christians should not ever EVER ever be "PEOPLE FOLLOWERS".

We are JESUS followers, nothing more.

So- puh-lease!!!! Take what people say, think about it- and DO NOT accept it until you do your homework.

Break out that red-leather-bound thinga-mah-jig collecting dust on your shelf, set the iPhone app down, and turn Google off.  If it doesn't line up with The Word- it's total and complete CRAP!

 We are in the days of ELIJAH, ya'll. 
(Elijah's story is in the book of Kings and you can read how he felt isolated and alone in the culture in which he lived. But God told him to stand up and speak for Him.)


Break away from the Christian Authors and turn yourself over to the Author of our salvation.

The END. Amen.  VOI'LA!

Handy Man, Honey Do

I stumbled upon a revelation as I was fuming about the ever-growing honey-do list, and the lack of time, energy, finances, and initiative that is needed to slim down that list.

To be perfectly honest, I was trying to figure out a way to NAG  talk to my husband about how imperative it was that the things on that list get taken care of (sooner rather than later, Mister!).  

I'm an analyzer and word-picture-painter.  I think about how I'm going to present my side of the argument before there's even an argument.  So, I started "painting" before I planned my attack called him.

I was sure this was going to be the thing that helped my husband see just how important his role as our handy-man was... the way I saw it- it was so right on- we'd have that list cut in half by the weekend.

This is what I had planned on saying to him:

"If it's broken, having a bunch of tools isn't going to be enough to fix it.

First- we gotta make sure we have THE RIGHT tools.

Secondly- we gotta KNOW HOW to use the tools.

Finally- we gotta take the INITIATIVE to use the tools.

So? Since I don't know what tools to use, or how to use them, 

I need YOU to be the one to fix what's broken!"

And then God was like "You're right,  Amber....." 

And He sure wasn't referring to the honey-do list or my oh-so-clever way of trying to convince my husband to be our handy-man.  

He was referring to how BROKEN I am, and how I have GOT to let Him be my handy-man since HE is the one that knows exactly where I'm broken and how to fix me.

He used my prideful high-and-mighty attitude to speak something profound into me. 

I don't deserve His goodness.  

I still cannot understand why He chooses to talk to me.  

But good-golly, I'm so glad He does.

Thorns

I had this "thorn" in my flesh.

It was relentless; a constant struggle that refused to go away.

I prayed and prayed and PRAYED, yet it remained.

In my prayer, at first, I simply begged God to remove the "thorn".

He didn't.  And I was mad.  I was irritated.  I was like, "What's the deal, Lord?! Can you not hear me? I'm begging you to help me out, and you're refusing to take this from me?!?"

And then I started praying about the situation that brought the "thorn" into my life.  Not because I wanted to, but because I was desperate to find a new avenue that may help ME be rid of it.

I prayed each and every time the thorny-thoughts entered my head, despite my desire to give in to the thorn.  I prayed for any person that might be involved.  I prayed for other people that may have similar thorns.  I rebuked the devil and all but doused myself in Holy water in my desperation to have that thorn be gone forever.

I prayed specifically that I wouldn't give in and let the thorn be a part of my life.

This lasted for almost 2 years.

And then, one day,  I got to see a little glimpse of why God chose to leave that thorn in my flesh.

I saw a small-bite-of-fruit from those prayers I had been praying.  I saw eyes opened, and I saw revelation.
To put it simply- I thought I was just praying for myself, but it turns out- God chose to leave that thorn there so that I would PRAY MY GUTS OUT about the situation.  He used my prayer for a greater purpose.  He used that thorn for a bigger picture.

Is the thorn completely removed?  
Not completely.  But, I see it's purpose.  And that's HUGE.

The "thorn" has allowed me to gain a new empathy for those that struggle with these things.  It's given me a heart for situations that I typically would NOT have understood.

I'm able to show compassion instead of judgement...

I've learned this:
Sometimes we have thorns- and if we are careful not to give into them, they can be used to teach us how to be more like a Christian and less like religious-goody-two-shoe fools.

In Case You Were Wondering

How can I contain it?!  I've not been THIS excited for so long.  I'm amazed and humbled and overwhelmed with "WHOO HOOO!!!!!" and I want to just blurt it all out and share it right-this-very-moment.

Instead of blabbering, I'm going to lay out the pieces of this awesomeness.

Finding the corners first and turning each one over to show the top side, and then I'll piece together a small portion of a small picture inside one small speck.

Last night (February 01, 2011) I was able to get a glimpse of the complexity and the perfection of the unique "jigsaw puzzle" that God purposefully created for me.  I am so amazed by what He chose to reveal to me.


Here are a few pieces that fit together to make one perfectly gorgeous picture:


My husband is an avid collector of coats.  He has too many.  It annoys me.

His defense is this:
 "Well? I need a work coat for the winter but sometimes it's not as cold, so I need a lighter coat, too.  Sometimes I need to layer... sometimes it's raining... so I need a lighter coat and a waterproof jacket.
Well? This coat is for church.  This one is casual.....
NO! Don't get rid of that coat- it's my working-on-the-car coat... I know it's stained and gross and has a gaping hole in it- but- okay fine, you're right.... I'll just use my other coat for the working on the car coat, and I'll look for a new one to replace the other one and..... "

Seriously.  He's like a girl.
(A studly, manly, masculine, mans-man girl....)

We are also super thrifty- (read: poor) so most of these coats come from  our thrift shops.

Last year, my husband forked out a whopping $10 on the purchase of  not one, but TWO (like NEW) Burton coats.  


I wasn't as annoyed.
(Ok fine- I was freaked out excited. Between the two coats, their worth was over $600.)

These are awesome coats; we'd have never been able to afford them retail, outlet, or even on ebay!!
He gave one to his brother-in-law, and kept the other for himself.

It's because he has SO many coats, however,  that our closet and our coat racks are full!!
I'm the clutter-police 'round these parts......  and my husband breaks the law daily.

He tossed the Burton onto the banister on his way inside the door this day; and  HE LEFT IT THERE?!

Annoyance upon annoyance.


A few months ago I was at a gas station and locked my keys in the car.  Sadly- I had also planned on being at my daughter's class party 30 minutes after I slammed the door shut (literally) on those plans..... and my keys.

Minutes before locking my keys in my car,  I had confirmed my presence and willingness to help in the classroom with her teacher.  I didn't have a way to contact the teacher to let her know I wouldn't be there.  I visualized another strike going on my "She's a Flake" chart.

(Murphy's Law... aka Amber's Law).

I hate making plans.  It seems as if I'm always breaking them.  I feel like a fruit-cake; and know that there isn't a person on the planet that should put stock in depending on me to show up on time, at the right place, with the right things, for the right event.


Something seems to happen ALL the time.  "If it can go wrong, it usually does" when I try to put a plan in stone.

I was annoyed.  And irritated.  (With myself).
My brother (who "happened") to be working at the restaraunt above the convenient store came to my rescue donning a hugenormous screw driver and a coat hanger.

He tried and tried and tried to get that coat hanger to push down on my door locks; but he wasn't able to.  My sister came to my rescue and drove me to my house so that I could (search frantically) find my spare key. Which I did, but certainly not in time to get to school.

And I was annoyed about it.  And irritated that I had to cancel yet again on plans that I had made. 



Since I've had my van, the thingy that holds up the hood (you know what I'm talking about? The metal rod thingy?)- anyway- that thingy has been detached from my van.  You have to red-neck it and prop the hood up on it, never knowing if the rod is going to slip and cause the hood to fall on top of your head- killing you instantly!!!_ just cause you wanted to be smart and check your oil.

I've been so irritated with that stupid-rod-thingy; wondering why I always had to have red-neck things go wrong with my car.

Why!? Why can't the rod-thingy be attached like it's s'pose to?
Why does my van suddenly want to be leaking water from underneath the carpet?
Why does the van door handle get stuck if you try to open it from the inside, causing me to have to pry it open with a quarter, or a knife, or (if  and when) those don't work I have to pound on it with the side of my fist to get the handle button thing to pop out!!  One time I had to pick my kids up late for school because nothing worked, and with out the handle button popped out- the van door wouldn't close.  Sigh.
Why can't I have a spare tire like a normal person. Instead of having to drive on my spare tire because the other tire's rim got bent when I hit a pothole, and we can't afford a new rim?!?!
Why do I have 3 different tire brands on my car, causing the van to scare-the-poodle out of me when I drive in the rain?
I don't know why.... but after last night- I kind of got a glimpse.

These are the things that I complain and whine about.
This is my heart condition. Bratty.  Whiney. Unthankful.

Last night changed a lot of that.
Next blog I'm going to piece together this (whiney) puzzle, and explain why it is that I feel a new hope toward being changed forever.

I am truly thankful for a redneck car, and a husband that leaves his coat on the banister, I'm thankful that my keys got locked in my car, and that I'm a flakey flake that seems to fall under Murphy's Law more often than I'd ever choose to.

In case you were wondering:

I. Am. So. EXCITED!

One Thing

One thing I won't write about.  Despite how open I usually am, there's ONE THING I can't open up about.

I'm too afraid to even journal it in my own personal private journal.

I won't even type it out into a draft and delete it.  I don't want it to be real, and I don't want it to exist.

Putting it into words seems like it would give it 'life'.... and THIS. ONE. THING.... I want it to be 'not-alive'.

But I SO want to write it out.  It's been a frustration for more than a year-  but less than five years.
It's been a confusion and an ANNOYANCE in my thought process for way-to-long......  

When I write,  I empty my brain out.

Writing is like going to the dump for my brain; pouring out my thoughts like one would empty out their 30 gallon trash can in an effort to find the lost remote that the 3 year old confessed to throwing away last week.
  
Dumping my thoughts out enables me to 'sort through them'.

After I've written freely and thoughtlessly, I'm able to go through what was confused in my head, and categorize it;  like a filing cabinet that is morbidly disorganized- and then it gets emptied, and then alphabatized..... that's what I do, um... in my head...

WOW.  I sound fruity.

So.  I want to write about THIS. ONE. THING.  I want to sort it and analyze it and pick it apart, and alphabatize it, and make it organized and find reason and resolve for why it is that "it" is driving me crazy.

But I won't.

It's a secret.  It's a feeling and a confused emotion. It's not real and it has no life.

It taunts me and it jumbles me up temporarily, but I have to learn to "take my thoughts captive".  I have to FIGHT-THE_GOOD-FIGHT and overcome.  Paul had a thorn in his flesh- but he never confessed what it was- and I guess I do, too.  (Hey Paul.  Wassup.  I feel ya, brotha...- fist bump.)

Stupid Thorn.

I need some tweezers.

Wait!?!  Make that two thorns.

Dang.

Just To Laugh

As a roller-coaster-riding Christian, there are times I can get caught up in a sort of "Bi-Polar" relationship with Jesus.   I'm all in, and loving it.

And then I'm stagnant and wading on the shore during my walk.

In one season I'm praying (without ceasing) and I worship (radio is ON all the time) and I'm seeking God and I'm just IN IT.

In the next season (we're not talking fall, winter, spring, or summer.... we're talking week to week) I'm realizing that I can't remember the last time I prayed, and that my worship sessions in the car (or bathroom, or kitchen, or laundry room) are random rather than consistent.

Let's stop for a second.

Disclosure:
I don't pray and worship as a religious act.
I don't feel like "it's what I'm s'pose to do, so that's why I do it."
I mean? IT's what we ARE s'pose to do, but... it's what I WANT to do and THAT is why I do it.
I love worshiping God.  I love talking to Him....   I just LOVE Him.


After 12 years in my walk, I've just recently   really come to a place where I am totally completely 100% in LOVE with Jesus.
(12 years!)

Not just "Love", but IN LOVE.

Before,  I "loved" Him.... because He loved me.  And I loved Him because, well?, I just did.

Now? I'm IN LOVE with Him.
Now? It's different.

I'm not on a  honey moon-  like when you first get saved and God is woo-ing you and just showing you how totally super-awesome He is.

And I'm beyond the "7 year itch" of being so frustrated and irritated at the fact that Christianity is SO hard and "God why don't you just zap all the bad people and make life better for me...." attitude.

I'm in LOVE with Him wholly.

And to explain all the reasons why I'm totally in Love would take an entirely new blog post
{divided into part by part by part} and STILL not really delve into exactly what   has transformed my love to "in love" status.

When I say "I Pray without ceasing" it's not like I'm
on my knees,
bible in hand,
candles burning,
house is quiet
and THEN I pray.

I pray as though I'm in a regular conversation with God, just like I would talk to my husband or sister.
I may be washing dishes, folding laundry, sitting on the throne (in the 'reading room'), driving my car.......
I just kind of "hang out" with Him through out the day.
(I sound religious.  My bad.  I'm thinking of throwing in a swear word just to show ya'll how IMPERFECT my thoughts and actions really are.....)
This is how I pray.

 "I don't understand why I get so mad at my kids- can you help me with that? I feel so bad for being so frustrated, and irritated, and impatient... 

I mean? WAIT! !!!  I'm not praying for patience..... hah hah- funny- You know that I know better than that. but you know, I just want to be sweeter, and less easily irritated....  and stuff-  

Oh wow!  COOL!!!  Thanks God for all that SNOW.  It's so pretty.  

 .... I'm feeling so sad for my friend right now- she's really struggling and it breaks my heart-

 I just want to lift her up to You- give me the right words.... 

WHAT?!?!?!?!?!

I can't believe that guy just pulled out in front of me.  Don't let him kill anyone, Lord. 

Geesh.  

Ok.  Sorry- I know I shouldn't call him an idiot...... 

Thanks for this van, God.  Thanks that it hasn't died or blown up... thanks for keeping us safe.....  " 

And then, there are times I forget... and I have this realization that I'm "missing" something- and then I'm like "Oh my goodness.  I miss GOD.   I MISS HIM-miss Him."  

Like if you're BFF is out of town and you haven't talked to her/him for a few days...  that's when I realize I haven't been praying.

Sorry.  I'm so distracted right now.  None of this feels like it's making sense.
(That's usually when I know a blog post is specifically for me).
I can't seem to focus.
My 3 year old is watching Wonder Pets as I type this out.  It's such a cute little show.  Makes it even cuter when said 3 year old puts a pair of panties on her head to watch said adorable tv show.  Even easier to get distracted when she gets me a pair of "kid panties" and tells me to wear them on my head.
(Um? No thanks, baby.  You go ahead....)

Where was I?
Right.  Bipolar Christian Walk.

Ok.  Right. So I'm all in and loving it.  (My walk)

And then I get distracted by 'life' and forget to maintain my relationship with the Lord.  I do other stuff instead. I call other friends to chat (and ignore His call).  I listen to other music to be entertained (and forgo worship).  I'm sort of  (accidentally) put that intimacy aside.  Does that make any sense?

And I hear in my head "You suck.  You're a really bad Christian.... "
And then I debate with myself over the mentality that I have taken on.
"DO I really suck? Am I really a bad Christian?"

Last night I had a TAH_DAAAAAH! moment.

I went to a bible study.  Actually, a discipleship study.  The Journey, that's what it's called.
Anywho- I went and it was great.  And I was in fellowship with like minded women, and we talked about God and Christianity, and we prayed,,,,,,,, and stuff.

Afterward- I hung out with 2 of those women, and their husbands.
And we didn't talk about Christianity or prayer, or anything.
We talked about nothing/everything.

You know what that is? Nothing/Everything?
It's where you talk and talk and talk and it has little or nothing to do with anything specific, it's just talking casually. "Here's my story about this... oh ya, I have a story like that, too...." and then it totally switches to a completely different topic.   Nothing/Everything.

  I got in my car after laughing harder than I had laughed in such a long time.

First thought:  I hope I don't back into anyone's car/ It's so sad that I haven't laughed like this in so long.

Second thought: Wait? We had bible study earlier.... I feel bad that I don't feel spiritual.

Third thought:  Shut up.

I know that I don't HAVE to feel spiritual on Sunday after church, or Thursday after Discipleship class.
It's not a motion and a feeling to be a Christian, or to be in relationship with Jesus. (both terms are the same)

Just like I don't have to "feel" in love and over-the-moon about my  husband all the time to make it true that I love him and that I'm in relationship with him.
(If that were the case we'd be divorced and remarried 127 times over.....)

I don't have to think about my kids and 'how much I completely adore them' ALL of the time to make it true that they are the most amazing gift I could have EVER gotten in my life.
 (If that were the case- oh dear..... )


I realize  that nothing makes me happier than hearing my kids belly laugh, so..... why wouldn't God rejoice in my belly laughter?

Aren't we honoring Him in our fun? In OUR joy?  Need we be rigid religious folk to be real Christians?

I hope not.
I know not.

Sometimes we (read: I) just need to have fun.
Good fun.  Clean fun.  Real fun.  Funny fun.
I think that God put me where I was last night just to see me laugh.

Snorts and all.


Isn't it incredible to really think about that?
The God of the Universe- the Creator, the MASTER of heaven and earth; He hooks us up into a situation just to watch us laugh?  Is that true?  TOTALLY TRUE!!!!

He lets (allows, gives us the privilege) us go through junky stuff to teach us, and grow us, and give us wisdom.... but He doesn't pull us into those situations to see us hurt.  HE hurts when we hurt.

Like when your kid touches a hot stove and their hand blisters and it's so pitiful to see them screaming their GUTS out crying.  That hurts.
We, their parents, are so sad for them.

HoWeVeR: They've just learned a valuable lesson that no amount of nagging to 'stay away from the stove' would have taught them.  So, it's a good thing that it happened, too.

And right now I'm praying that I can remember to come back to this post when God has something He needs to teach me.  It's so tough going through the hard stuff....

I'm a lil bit nervous that I was drawn to post this blog because God may have wanted to remind me of all these truths.... cause it may be I'm about to go through something.

He wants me to have fun. He wants me to relax and enjoy life.  He wants me to belly laugh.
Because sometimes (a LOT of times for me) He needs to let me touch a hot stove.......

Average. But not.

So I'm scrolling through other people's blogs.  (While my husband watches a show about a fisherman.)

This family travels out of the country on vacation... twice... over the summer (once for a few weeks, the other just for a week.)

I whine and complain in my head that we didn't get a vacation out of state.. out of the city.. out of our HOUSE all year.

And there are pictures.  And he's pretty and she's pretty and their little kid is pretty, too.
And they look perfect.  And I feel sad. (Even though my kids are like- super duper pretty- but that's not even the point)

And I whine in my head about the bajillion pounds I need to lose (or 30, whatever), and the early-gray-headed-ness on my hair (and I'm not EVEN 30, but whatever)....and I feel frumpy and ugly, and ( I'm on my period.) and we don't do fun adventurous things because we can't afford to, and we are average and we're boring and we don't even have, and I really wish, and I'm so jealous.... if we just had more money, if I just lost a few more pounds-

And then I'm reading about the mom of 3 that is pregnant with her number 4 that is dying in utero, and I'm thankful that our girls are healthy and wild and silly and LIVING, and not breaking our hearts like this mom has had her heart broken.

And then I'm reading about the guy that has an arm load full of responsibilities as his parents retire into an Assisted Living Facility due to dementia/alzheimers....

And then a wife that is hurting because her husband is an scumbag idiot and left her for a whore 'nother woman.....

And I'm liking average.
And I'm wishing it didn't take one-single-solitary  perspective of *"perfect" to create a jealous, ungrateful brat whiney heart in me.

More so- I wish it didn't take devastation and hardship to make me realize just how sweet and *"perfect" our life is.

*relatively speaking- we all know that perfect is a mythical thing-a-muh-jig

We're living in simplicity.  Our family. We're simple folk. (Dear GOD please let me keep my teeth.)
JUST like I asked and hoped and prayed for.  Truly and all silly-ness aside.  I begged the Lord to let us fallin love with Simple.  Simple. Simplicity.  To give us simplicity.  And He did.  We are.  But not really.
We're average, but we're not even CLOSE to average.

And I want to learn to STAY content in it (simplicity) sans the sad news, and even among the good-fun-cute-clearn-water-beach-swimming-with-dolphins-snorkeling-spa-enjoying-skinny-person-news.

"Don't want whatchur neighbors got.  That's real bad."
Redneck Literal Translation

... And Then We Were Speechless

We were in our family van, like any normal Saturday evening.  On our way home from a long bout of errand running.  The grown ups were done.  So were the kids.  Chicken Fried- over cooked- DONE. DONE. BURNT WELL DONE!

We had a fun time out; purposefully shopping for snow mittens (didn't find any), warm hats (found 2), and so forth on the things we needed for the upcoming snow storm.  (In Georgia.  Ya.  They didn't have any milk or bread anywhere either.)

Perspective: Shopping with 3 young girls (ages 3, 5, and 7). More than 3 hours. 

Not serene.  Slightly painful.

The grown ups said,  "Ok.  There is NO talking in this car.  None.  No. One. Is. Talking! Shhhhhhhhhhhh!!"

Our eardrums hurt.  3 girls.  I probably don't have to explain myself as to why we forced quiet time.

This never works. Quiet time.  It's a good theory.  Good idea.  But? It never works.

 Eventually, somebody (a witty one) says something cute or silly, and then it's okay for them to talk, because... well...... they're NOT whining or screaming, or fussing or fighting or being mean to one another.  

It doesn't hurt our ears to hear cuteness. 

We like cuteness.

On this occasion, our eldest (Kyla) spoke first:

  "We really  need to save our money for kids in other countries that have bad teeth.  It's only $250 and we really, really, really need to do it."

Our middle (Zoe) piped in: 

"YES! We do!  And they look really weird and they need to have their teeth fixed really really bad!!."

Kyla said 

"I want to start saving all of my money that I get until I get $250 so I can help them."

(prior to, she had been saving all of her money for an iPod touch.)

"Well? We should actually carefully consider saving money for your teeth just in case you need braces, baby." (Sigh..... )

Kyla replied:

"No, Mommy.  I don't want to just think of myself.  I want to help those kids.  They really need our help, Mommy."

(My head is hanging lower and higher all at the same time as I write this.  

Ashamed that I was so selfish.  Proud that she was firmly selfless.)

"So, what exactly are you talking about? They need their teeth fixed? What do you mean?"

Both girls explained that it was in a magazine I had laying on our couch (you can call it a sofa if you want) and they'd show us the picture when we got home.

Several months ago I bought a Good Housekeeping magazine.

I never read it.  

Forgot that I had it.

Maybe I had stuck in the bathroom? 

They found the magazine and skimmed it over.  

Toward the back they saw a picture that looked something like this:

HOW OFTEN TO YOU GET A CHANCE 

TO SAVE A CHILD'S LIFE FOR $250? 

  

We got home and they enthusiastically showed us their treasure, as if pointing out a new toy that they so desperately wanted; their eyes were filled with anticipation and hope: Can we, Can we, Can we PLEASE!?

And then we were speechless. 

 Us grownups.  Us know-it-alls.  

Us "quiet in the car there is NO talking".

We were blown away.  We were in awe and humiliated. 

Alright.  Forget the past tense- I am still blown away.  

We are STILL speechless. Still in a state of "Wow?"

Our kids? Our girls? These are ours?  

Nope.  They're not.  Well? They are. But- no. And yes. It's yes and no.  The are- but not fully.

We did this whole "Dear God, these are YOUR kids on loan to us. They belong to You.  Use them.  Teach them.  Mold them.  Get us out of the way if need be. Thank You for allowing us the pleasure of raising them.... ." and- stuff- like- that- kind- of- prayer.   

IT wasn't a one time prayer.  It's one of those 'without ceasing' prayers.  

Especially when we're really roughing it: "Lord!?  These are YOUR children... tell. us. what. to. do.  We are FAILING. We gave them to YOU, remember?! Helllllllppppp. US!!!!!!!!!!"

Ya. It makes more sense to me now that I'm writing it all down.  God took us up on our offer.  We opened our hands and let them go- over to Better Hands where they belong.  And HE is using THEM to minister to US!

Are YOU speechless? 

I Am.

So we have a jar.  

And I'm so stoked to follow my children on their journey of giving.  I'm gonna take some notes.  

I'm sure they're gonna teach me a thing or two.....

Convictions and Controversy (Part 3)

We have some fine-lined convictions concerning our children and their well being.  Particularly, to do with health- we've gotten a lot of grief.  Specifically- on the subject of vaccinations.

Vaccinations.  Ewww.  What a touchy subject.  

(Almost as touchy as Santa Claus- but we'll get to that soon enough).

First born children are, for lack of a better term, sort of the guinea pigs.  We try and fail and tweek and readjust parental structures based off of Numero Uno, don't we?  

In our case, I was 22 when our first born daughter graced the world with her sweet, tender presence.  I questioned no one, and thought reading "up" on parenting was not a necessity.  I mean? I was born to have babies- I'd figure it out, right?!  

Right!  

Hah! Hah!

We did all the things our doctors told us to do; them being the experts and all.... obeying their instruction wasn't an option- was it?

I had a friend that was deeply involved in natural health and wellness, and didn't vaccinate her newborn.

I thought she was a nut-case!!  I judged her motives and intellect.  I remember thinking to myself (as I was holding my 9 month old on my hip) "Wow.  She'll find out how wrong she is when it's too late!" 

Secretly I'm squeezing my daughter a bit closer to me, proud of our decision to parent her the right way, and choosing to be intelligent parents and giving her all of her vaccinations!

3 months and hours upon hours of research later, and I am finding myself at our pediatricians office explaining to him why it is that we are choosing not to allow them to give our daughter vaccinations from that point on.  

I won't get into the "why" we came to our decision.  Honestly, it's not important to touch on that. I'm not an educator, and this isn't a soap box I'm willing to chisel out and stand atop just yet.

There are books, and articles, and internet searches at the tips of all of our fingers- and anyone who'd like to look into whether vaccinations are right for their family have this available to them.  Aside from that- my brain lost it's sponge soaking ability long, long ago; I read, and then I conclude- but afterward forget what brought me to said conclusion, marking my ability to teach anyone, anything slim to none unless I have carefully taken notes and Google in front of my face.  

We simply made a personal decision, after educating ourself fully on the subject.... When I say fully, I mean fully.  I read both "sides of the story".  I compared the benefits vs. the risk, I read articles of those that were convinced that vaccination was 100% right-to-do, and articles of those that were 100% convinced that vaccinations should NEVER be given.  I found a happy middle ground, and settled into it.

(Funny enough- I started out my "research" to prove my friend wrong in her personal decision to decline vaccinations.)

So we do not vaccinate; and that's that.....   we sign our "religious" waiver for the school's records, and we're good to go.  No issues.

As a very important side note: 

One fear that I had when facing the decision as to whether I would be a working mom or a stay at home mom was insurance, (or the lack of).  We took a dive into faith when we decided that I would be a stay-at-home mommy to our children, but not with our prayer and a boat load of "what if's".  Regarding insurance, I believe we were promised supernatural health when we submitted to my being a stay at home mom. 

I heard the Lord say it loud and clear in my spirit, and so it was, and so it is. That's what I like to call

 "Crazy Faith".  You tell people this sort of thing, and they think you're super-crazy.

Our girls are, indeed,  supernaturally healthy.  I don't mean to say that none of them never experience a common cold, or a stomach virus, or the like.  What I do mean to say is that we can accept the promise to their supernatural health, but understand that with God's promises- our efforts are also required!

We don't assume that if we were to feed our  kids McDonald's everyday, and sugar for breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack, that we'd reap the rewards of health..... I do, however- assume that if we use wisdom and allow God to direct us in our convictions- that we will reap those  rewards.  And we surely have!!!

Wisdom plays a huge role in following our convictions.  If small pox were to become an epidemic- I wouldn't stand firm on our decision without first seeking out wisdom.  I'd study the disease, I'd research everything available to be researched, I'd pray, and then we would discern the right choice for our family.

Quacky or Cookey, or Looney or Weirdo are all great words to peg on us, as a family, regarding many of our convictions.  We make choices very far away from the world's standards.  But we are totally OKay with it.  We know what's right for us.  

I want to encourage every one and say again:

It really is OK to swim upstream,  to go against the flow..... to be OURSELVES....

None of us are the same as each other; nor should we hope to be.

Some of us are heads, some of us are arms, some are legs, or feet, or big toes......

We aren't designed to conform; we weren't created to be the same.  We're all made unique!  

We're ALL weird!