Show Me

I don't know what this song means.
I don't understand it.
But the Holy Spirit dropped it on me

Today, I had a 4 hour session of Counseling/Prayer Ministry.
4 hours.  FOUR HOURS!

I may have left there dehydrated- because I don't know how it'd be possible to cry that much,
and not have depleted my body of every ounce of water I had.

At times, I layed my head down on the table, and sobbed uncontrollably;
but not from sadness- well?- not only from sadness...
Out of pure humility.
Lord!  I cannot comprehend how much You think of me,
to show me these things
To bring healing to my brokenness.
Piece by piece.

I thought that He was demolishing my foundation, with an astounding amount of dynamite.
That's what it's felt like lately.
But the Word I heard from Him today-
"I'm taking out this broken brick, and I'm mending it,
And I'm replacing it with one that is strong.
Piece by piece, I'm removing the bricks that are broken
And putting in their place, solid pieces."

Lord- I have a LOT of broken bricks.
Thanks for not ripping me apart all together.
Thank you Jesus, that you don't use dynamite.
(Even though it often feels like what you're doing is explosive).

Your ways are not our ways.
I'm so thankful for that.
I'm way too messed up and broken to make plans for my life
Here's my planner, Lord.
Fill in the blanks.  No!  Don't pencil them in.
Use Your red ink.... and make it permanent.
I do not want to be in control
I do not want to be in charge.
I don't want to make these choices
I don't want to make these decisions.
You lead me.
I will follow.
If I get distracted,
Whack me on the head and get countrified
"Pay attention GIRL...."
And I will say "Yes, sir."
And if I get stupid,
Whip me.
And when I listen,
Let me know loud and clear that I'm doing Your will.
Don't let me make these choices.
Can I surrender my will to You?
Can I say, "Hey, thanks for the free will.... but NO Thanks.  I don't want it anymore...
I'm too dumb to have it.  I relinquish my will, and hand it over to You.  Permanently!"
Am I allowed to say that?
Am I allowed to be straight-up-ghetto-honest and say
"I'm totally whack- don't trust me with free will." ?

I can't be trusted, Lord.
My emotions are outrageous.
My fear gets in the way.
My pride slaps me in the face, and leaves a red hand print
My heart is a liar, and leads me into naive places.


What the future holds, I do not know.
At this point, I'd rather not know.
It's too much to bare.
I want to embrace the day by day.
The piece by piece.
Take away the crumbled bricks that are making my foundation faulty
And let me trust that what YOU are doing is perfect.

There is a message in these lyrics.
Usually, I can decipher
But I cannot right now.
All I know, is that my body shook, my hands trembled, and my spirit moved.
My skin warmed, and my heart rate quickened.
My throat closed
And everything around me stopped
The Holy Spirit said
"This- I want you to hear....  Listen..."

But I reckon' I'm an airhead,
Cause I don't know what He said.
More-so, I believe I'm just just a simple woman
And the complexity of what the Lord is doing in my life right now is beyond my comprehension.

I don't want to know ANYTHING, Lord- until YOU are ready for me to know it!!!
I'm tired of being nosey.
It's none of my business.
Because my life is not my own.
It's Yours Lord.
I want it to be fully Yours.
Not my will, Father.
Never.  Ever.  EVER my will.
I relinquish my right to myself.
I don't want it!
I'm too irresponsible to have it.

God, take me.
Grab me up, and take me forever.


http://youtu.be/9b5Snkw18Lg


You can Plant me like a tree beside a river
You can tangle me in soil and let my roots run wild
And I will blossom like a flower in the desert

But for now, just let me cry


You could raise me like a banner in the battle
Put victory like fire behind my shining eyes
And I would drift like fallen snow over the embers

But for now, just let me lie

Bind up these broken bones!!!!!!!
Mercy burn and breathe me back to life
But not before you show me how to die

Set me like a star before the morning
Like a song that steals the darkness from the world asleep
And I'll illuminate the path you laid before me

But for now, just let me be

BIND UP THESE BROKEN BONES!!!!!!!!!
Mercy burn and breathe me back to life.
But not before you show me how to die.....
No, not before you show me how to die.

So let me go like a leaf upon the water
Let me brave the wild currents flowing to the sea
And I will disappear into a deeper beauty,
But for now, just stay with me
God, for now- just stay.... with me

"What Love Really Means"

Below is one of the most beautiful songs on the radio today.  JJ Heller has a simplistic sound- but oh so powerful lyrics.
She sings:

"Who will love me for me?   Not for what I have done, or what I will become.
Who will love me for me?  Cause nobody has shown me what love, what love really  means....."

I believe this is the heart cry that so many of us have buried deep inside our wreckless hearts.
"LOVE ME.......... for me."



I've talked so much about how challenging it is for "us" (people) to strip off our layers of protection- and stand before our peers "naked"- just as we are, flaws and imperfections shining bright.
JJ captures the core of why it is so hard (almost impossible) for us to do this.  It's a big question.
"Who will (could possibly!!!!!) love me..... for me."

I've known it for a while- and it was confirmed early this week- that I have a protective barrier built inside my heart.  Sure- I can be real, and open, and honest, and raw, and unfiltered..... that's not the barrier I'm talking about.  My barrier is, I think, probably worse.
I protect myself in an unconventional way.  I'll bare it all, no problem- but I "conditionally love" in return.

"If you're nice, I'll be nice.  If you hurt me, I'll hurt you back.  If you break my heart, I'll break yours.
I'll love you, but ONLY if you love me first....."

Big problem for a wife and a mom to have to, not only face- but figure out a way to over come.
Unconditional love shouldn't be an option!!!  I should love- no matter what- whether I like it or not, whether it hurts or not, whether I think it's deserved... or NOT!

This song convicts me!  I know that I'm "loved" for me..... um?.... for the most part.  I can accept WHO I am, and who God made me (sweetly, God  disclosed that I am- who HE made me, and I need to quit my belly aching about being so "different".)  So I've recently come to much better terms with who  I am.  
When I hear the chorus, I feel like poo.  Do I love 'them' for 'them'?
Do I love my husband when he's in the midst of a struggle that affects our relationship and the core of our marriage?  No.  I "hate" him for hurting me.  I am angry and bitter, and totally ready to kick him to the curb.

Seriously.  No bueno.
When he has hurt me, there has typically been a huge part of me that wanted to hurt him back.
Like- hurt his feelings on purpose, or ignore his needs (ahem....) or whatever.

Dude.  God is sooooo GOOD!  That 'hurt you back' thing has been washed away. Gone. Vanished.
No Siento retaliation.   Big deal.  Huge stuff.  Amazing.  I'm so thankful to get to write this truth and know that it's nothing to do with me, but totally to do with the work God has done in me.

I'm selfish.  I want MORE.  I don't want to just settle.  I want to have a Jesus-Christ-Super-Hero love for my husband, despite the junk that gets mixed into our holy matrimony.
(Let's be honest... most of us who are married have junk.... right?  Right?  RIGHT!?!??!!?)


Furthermore, I wanna love THEM... for THEM.  I want to have a genuine for real heart for people.  Not a "conditional" one.  It's easy to love the loveable.  I want to love the unloveable.

My marriage: In a (cracked up) nutshell.

Once upon a time- before we had kids (FINE! It was 10 years ago....) I bought a Beta fish.

I named him Beta.

It was the perfect pet for me at the time.  You only have to feed them every few days.... and, you can put a pretty little plant atop the fish bowl to oxygenate the water and make your kitchen counter look decorative.  Pet. Decor. Plant.  Win-Win-Win.

Every 2 or 3 days I'd put some food in Beta's bowl and watch him swim around like the shark he thought he was gobbling up all of his food- and then, I'd ignore him for a day or so.... feed him... talk 'fish' with him... and ignore him for a few days..... and that's how our relationship went.

Then one day- when I put the food in his bowl- Beta. Was. Not. THERE!!

My fish bowl was empty.

And like an IDIOT- I searched all over our kitchen counter and the floor and the sink....  thinking the stupid fish had 'jumped bowl'.  (How'd he jump through the plant!?!  Maybe he was trying to get a fly?)

When my husband came home from work, I was FREAKED out and said
"Beta disappeared! His bowl is empty....!!! OH. MY. GOSH! He's probably down in the vent... we're gonna have dead fish smell in our house now.... Do you think he went into the vent????"

Literally- his response was:

"OH? He died the other day.  I flushed him."

My mouth is gaped open.  I'm in shock.  Who was this person I married? What kind of man doesn't console his 19 year old bride after her one and only fish dies?  FISH FLUSHER!!!  I married a FISH FLuSHeR!!!!

"Ummmmm..... YOU didn't want to..... maybe...... TELL ME THAT MY PET FISH DIED!?!??!?!"

"Oh? I didn't tell you?  Hmmm.... sorry 'bout that....."

And so goes the next 10 years.  Important (to me) information doesn't typically reach me via Mr. Joshua Anderson.  Many (too many) times, I've had to figure it out myself (typically \feeling like I'm looking on the kitchen floor for a flopping fish).

I keep forgetting how casual the man I married is.  He's an 'out of sight, out of mind' kind of dude.

I'm a "teller"- a "detailed teller" to boot.
I call him when I'm making plans to go to the grocery store.
I call him while I'm at the grocery store to make sure there isn't anything he needs.
I call him on my way home from the grocery store..... just in case there's something he forgot to tell me that shoulda been on our list.
(And when I'm unpacking our groceries- he follows me into the kitchen and says stuff like:
"What? No ice cream?  Awwww....I was hoping you'd bring home some Ice Cream....." (insert pouty face).

It's maddening, I tell ya!
MADDENING!

We have two completely different personalities.  God is HILARIOUS in His orchestration of whom should marry whom.  Sometimes- I think He saw Joshua and I and said:

"Oh Ya.  These are the one's I'm gonna use to prove that NOthing is possible (good) with out ME!"

And if that was His thought- He proved Himself (yet again) to be the MASTER artist.
'Cause it is an all out MIRACLE that my husband and I are still married despite our completely-different-from-each-other-way-OUT-there-opposites-attract-but-mostly-wanna-strangle-each-other personality differences.

No THING is possible (good) with out the Lord.

NOTHING.

Especially marriage.

I was reminded of this fish story when a friend posted a blog about her sons' fish dying, and the fact that the eldest of the 2 was 'cool' with it when he realized that he got to flush his brother's fish down the camode. Out of sight.  Out of mind.  He was sad... and then... he moved on....

That's a man story.  Lessons learned in how the 'male brain' operates via  a 5 year old.

It's a shame I don't have a son.  I'd understand my husband REALLY well.
It's tough that we have 3 girls ...... this means my husband is WAY more confused about the female brain.

Nostalgia.... Marriage and such.

Simple Man
Lynyrd Skynyrd

Brown Eyed Girl
Van Morrison


{Simple} Man marries a {Brown Eyed} Girl.


These are the songs that can make a good day better, and a bad day, worse.  In marriage, we all meet bumps in the road don't we? My husband and I? We've come to places where the road has just disappeared all together. We've been "distant" with each other more times than we've been "close", we've planned for a divorce once...... or maybe three times..... ?

Yuck.

What a horribly sad admission.

What's the point in sugar coating it, though?  Why make up a happy story with happy-happy-happy BULL-honkey?  I'd rather be real, thankyouverymuch.  Hey, now.  Don't get me wrong- we may  not have a fairy tale love story in the traditional sense; but a love story is STILL a love story.  Happiness exist among the life stress' and personality clashes- but it's not all rainbows and extravagant floral arrangements, either.

This isn't to say that we don't love one another.  And it isn't to say that I would trade ANY of it.  And it certainly doesn't mean that we haven't experienced plenty of those nauseatingly-giddy seasons in our marriage, either.  With as much passion as we've put into not getting along, that passion has been doubly present in the times that we just couldn't get enough of one other. 



Dancing in the Mindfields
Andrew Peterson

"We're dancing in the minefields; we're sailing in the storms....."

The amazing "story" that a song can tell is- possibly -one of the most relevant explanations to why it is I am so drawn to music.  It can be relational; a song.  It can offer empathy in a world when folks just don't want to admit that they deal with JUNK like we do.  Put it, (the junk) into a catchy lyrical parade, coupled with pleasant acoustics and a few sound system spins... and it doesn't cause us discomfort to 'hear' that somebody else went through a season of HELL, too.  Rather, it inspires us.  Some of us sing along not giving a rip about the lyrical connotations, others hone in on what the author is trying to represent, and relate the lyrics to their own personal journey.  Poe-tae-toe, Poe-tah-toe.  To each his own.

In Christian music- it's a bit different.  Andrew Peterson is singing about a marriage; listen to the lyrics.  Whether he wrote the song based on the marriage he and his wife experienced, or based on what he witnessed from somebody else- whether he even wrote the song or not.... it doesn't matter.
He's talking about a future rather than a failure!!!  He's not gettin' all country-pop whiney about how his wife stole his dog when she left him in his truck for his best friend......

There's hope attached to the hardship- the same way we have hope in the fact that we have a Jesus Savior who promised to walk beside us in each and everyone of our obstacles.  "It was harder than we dreamed... but I believe that's what the promise is for."  
An acknowledgement.  IT WAS HARD.
A hope: THAT's WHY we made a PROMISE.

Love me some Christian music.  Love. IT.

Another great artist and song pertaining to  marriage.
Sarah Groves
"It's Me"

Dear Sara Groves,
You put yourself "out there".  I love you and respect you for it.
Appreciatively Yours,
Amber K. Anderson

I stumbled upon this song, and immediately went to iTunes to download the entire album.  I heard an interviewer ask Sara what had inspired her put herself 'out there'; her open honest answer moved me in a way that made me feel deeply connected to this artist.   She admitted that this song, as well as much of the album, is a confessional.   So now- not only does her music inspire me, but her purpose in performing and writing does as well.  She said "Anytime I'm confessional, people seem to follow suit."   Whooo!!!  I can't tell you how important that statement is to me.  It's true! It's real!  It's uncommon.

We hide our insecurities and we put our secret struggles in the deepest darkest parts of our pockets; pulling them out when we are certain that we're "safe" from the judgement we are sure to get from others.

I'll bet Sara didn't get met with wide-open-arms from everyone when her confessional album was released.  I'd assume there were plenty of naysayers regarding her willingness to confess the fight sequences her husband and her went through.  Whatever.  Power to the vocal chords, woman!  You. Rock.

Battle Ready... or Not

Check it out.  I am NOT theologically educated.  Ok.  Fine.  I'm not ANY kind of educated.  I graduated high school with a GED.  Yup, that's right, I didn't even get a real diploma.
This chick thought she was beyond the controlled environment of high school, and with only 4 credits away from 'real graduation', I said adios to North Hall High School and Hola! to being a total IDIOT.

As I sit here now, I'm pretty thankful that I didn't, actually, turn out to be a complete idiot.  Somehow or another, a bit of intelligence kept me, I attained my General Education Diploma, and moved on with life. And life, as it does, happened super-duper fast! Before I could get the gung-ho's blazing inside of me, and pursue college- something else started BLAZING inside of me, and I found myself married a month after I turned 19.   Sometimes I wonder if saying I 'got pregnant, and then I got married' would have been an easier reason to explain my crazed young-person's attempt at marriage.....

Preggo status did not inspire holy matrimony to take place inside my (still) teen-aged years. Another form of  HORMONES, coupled with a lack of self control,  and  mixed in with (newly found) personal conviction prodded my man and I to hightail it to Chattanooga and say our "I Do's".

Ya.  Whatever.  I've written about this before.  I'm just  "filling-in-the-blanks".

AnyWHO- what a long way around explaining the fact that I, seriously, have NO way of theologically and intelligently detailing the how's and why's and what about's that are sure to come up with this blog.

The same with the faith and trust I have in a Creator, and a Savior, anything that I explain is accounted for through my very own personal experience, and maybe- if we're lucky,  a few paraphrased verses from the bible, and references to the ACTUAL educated authors that I've gleened from over the years.

I'm thankful to know the Truth.  I'm glad it's not just a watered down version of what is perceived to be true; but the Truth that, quite literally, has the power to set me free.

Historically, to attain freedom from bondage, war would typically need to take place.  I'm no history buff; I could spend a few minutes (or hours) researching all of the wars that were fought for the sake of freedom.  Let's just go with what we know, shall we?  The Civil War- slavery, and the fight for the removal of it.... there's a good one to start with.  War to get freedom.

Alright.  We have a broad perspective, then, don't we?

Up until a few years ago, I hadn't a CLUE about the realities of spiritual warfare.
Here's what I knew; there IS a Devil, he wants us to be "bad" (sin) so we will go to hell and suffer with him.  We choose to follow Jesus, cause He died on a cross for our sins, and shah-BAM... The Devil Loses! Ultimately, he's still gonna try to mess with us.... but- even still... he's a LOOO-SER!!!!!

Had I heard it any other way, I wouldn't have been able to comprehend the simplicity of salvation.  So, getting the very basics was ideal for my immature little heart.  The importance of an elaboration on all things spiritual wasn't emphasized.  Not really.

God must've been preparing my heart for a long time;  in order for me to receive the knowledge, and apply the wisdom pertaining to Spiritual War.  Had all the information been dumped in my lap in one fail swoop, I'd have written it off as "whacko" and moved along.  I'd have closed my heart and my mind to future references, and I'd be in pretty junky shape today for it.  (Not to say I don't encounter far too many hard-to-handle, straight up confusing situations, now).

I've heard the preacher say "The devil is here to steal, kill, and destroy!", and I've noted that the hardships in my Christian walk  were a direct relation to the enemy's lurking.  Somehow, I had all these little seeds perfectly planted in my spirit, (in my heart and in my mind) just waiting for the perfect fertilizers, i.e.... the right teacher, the right book(s), etc.

Every man is susceptible to falling; Just getting that out there real quick......

A fallen man, anointed to preach the Word, and reach the lost,  said "What you don't know is what's hurting you the most."   Right on, man.  Right. ON!

Let's get into the point of this blog.  Just a heads up: You may wanna add me on your "whacko" list afterward; and believe me, I'm so-totally-cool with it.  Jesus was thought to be 'whacko', too; walkin' around saying He was God, and all that jazz.... It was totally weird back in the day- to hear some long-haired-hippy-lookin' Jew claim He was "The way, the truth, and the light."and to be told that "NOBODY got to the Father (Abba God) except through Him"- yup- it was OUT THERE, but it was also all the way true.

The bible says the enemy, Satan, is like a LION.... prowling around in search of someone to devour (Peter 5:8).

I broke out this book "The Battle" (Trask & Goodall) after an extreme encounter last night with some harsh (understatement!!!) spiritual attack.  In the book, the author(s) put out a really good perspective on the LION-like example of Satan:

      "The lion is territorial- it doesn't follow a migrating herd.  Rather, it waits for the herd to enter into it's region, not caring whether or not the herd is aware of it's presence.  The lion will run into the herd; not so that it can chase, but so that it can watch.  It's sharp senses are aware to which one of the animals are tired, injured, or old....  The lions focus is to frighten the herd, so that he can wisely choose his prey."  p. 15 


Last night- with complete unawareness of the stalking sharp eyes that were focused on my weakness, I blindly stumbled into the enemy's territory.  At first, it seemed I was having an intense nightmare; but somehow, within the nightmare, I had a realization that it wasn't, actually, a nightmare.

Typically, when we find ourselves in an unpleasant dream, we can sort of "shake" ourselves awake once the nightmare becomes too intense, right?  Sort of like the dream where we're falling- and just before we hit the ground, we JUMP awake; (scaring the PEE out of the spouse that had been snoring peacefully seconds before.)
If we, for some reason- don't "wake up on our own", we may very well find ourselves wakened by the KER-THUMP from our limp bodies hitting the floor beside our bed.  If that's never happened to you- by all means, feel free to enjoy the mental image of my grown-behind falling out of bed.  I can count far too many times that I was too far gone to stop myself from "hitting the pavement".  Actually, I read somewhere that many people believe that NOT waking up before hitting the ground in a dream would actually KILL a person in their sleep.  Obviously; I don't believe that to be true.  Ahem...  I'm not dead.

I assume, though, that something in our mind realizes when we don't have the capacity to maintain within the nightmare.  I think what happens is, when the intensity maxes out, our subconscience goes "to an early lunch", requiring our consciencsness to take over.

This was not the case last night.  Sadly.

Inside my dream, I fought hard to wake myself up.  When nothing worked to get me into reality, I said "Jesus.  Jesus.  Jesus." over and over.  Like most dreams, this one was a cluster of many different situations; all connected, yet disconnected- making the recount completely impossible to put into words.
After praying (in my dream), I believed that I had woken up.  I looked around my room- and noticed that there was a distant flashing light that darkened and dimmed our bedroom.  I felt paralyzed and completely "out of it" mentally.  I kept trying to NOT do something, and I kept trying to DO something- neither working out very well for me.  I couldn't talk, although I tried SO HARD to scream so that Joshua would wake up and rescue me.

This was the point that I realized that I had to have been dealing with something far less trivial than your basic "scary person chasing me" nightmare.

I knew it was spiritual.  I didn't understand it- I wasn't sure how to break free from it at that point, since I had already "called on the name of Jesus- making hell tremble".  My mouth was bound (not literally) so I couldn't scream.   My body was trapped/paralyzed, so I couldn't jump up, or roll myself off the bed.  I assume- that since I was in a sort of (remember the movie Inception?) dream inside a dream state- that my words didn't reach the distance they need to reach.

GOSH!  I don't know.  I wish I could explain this with more clarity.

Anyway- I really need to just shorten the rest of this up....  I KNEW I was under spiritual attack.  I came to my breaking point when inside my dream, I had encountered far too many spirits to battle.  They were all "ganging up" on me; and I had no weapon.  Everything I knew to use, was.... essentially... bound  up.
It's like having  a burglar walk into your house, and your gun is locked away in a back closet or something.
No. Beuno'.

I jerked around and tried with everything in me to scream out "JESUS!!!!'  The bible says that all we have to do is call His name.  I knew that to be true from past experience.  Geesh.  I tried so hard.  Everything in me was horrified.  I was scared.

Finally- I got to open my mouth.  Sort of.  I started trying to say "JOSHUA!"  in my mind, as odd as it sounds if we're still referencing this little incident as a straight-up-nightmare, I knew that Joshua was Hebrew for "The Lord is my Salvation."

"Joshua" worked.  When I new I was finally awake, I panicked a little bit, and then composed myself a tad, and began to say "Jesus.  Jesus.  Help me.  Help me.  Jesus make them go away."

Joshua woke up after this.  I was so distracted from fear, that I couldn't do explain to him everything.  I just said "Please.  Pray for them to go away.  In Jesus name, pray to make them go away."

Good thing my hubs knows me.  He knew exactly what I meant.  And bless his heart- he got a bit trapped himself.  I repeatedly asked him to pray, but he stayed silent.  I couldn't understand what was stopping him; but he finally confessed "I just don't think I have the right to pray that.  I'm not where I should be....."

I KNEW for certain- it was JOSHUA that needed to pray the removal of the enemy out.
"You're the one with the authority!!!!"

He grabbed up his authority, told the junk to GO, in the name of Jesus... and back on to snoozer-ville I went.

(continued at another time)

Big 'O Rock.

I've never been the materialistic type.  When Joshua and I got "engaged" (I was 19, he was 21) he couldn't afford to put a REAL diamond in the center of my gorgeous engagement ring.  We also couldn't afford to buy a "real" wedding band for either of us.

On our wedding (elopement) day, we went to a Christian book store and got my wedding band.  A silver, simple band, with the fish symbol all around it.  Before that- we were at an antique shop, and found his wedding band for $15 (sterling silver).   We were getting married because we loved each other, and were ready to commit to one another.  Not for a piece of metal or mineral.  We, both of us, were fine with it.

After being married (not quite) a year- he bought me a "real" wedding band.  I was more nervous than excited.  We didn't have money for that.  But?  It's what he wanted to do.  Something inside him couldn't stand for me to NOT have a real wedding band.  (It was a simple white-gold with diamonds around it.)

Through out the years, he has gifted me with some beautiful, meaningful jewelry.  A pearl necklace with matching earrings.  An 'amber' stone, and 'amber' earrings. (I had mentioned that I always wanted to own a 'real' piece of amber.  He obliged.)  And one of my very favorites- a sapphire and diamond ring.  He buys COOL jewelry.

Here and there he'd mention that he would like to buy me a 'real' diamond for my engagement ring. I would always casually respond "Why?  I love my ring!"

Several months ago- he couldn't take it anymore.  He went to a jeweler and picked out a ROCK.  Put a down payment on it, and insisted it was going to be mine.  He took me to have a look at my soon-to-be stone, asking me to admire it along side him under that little looking glass thing, and asking me if I thought it was "cool".  "Ya.  It's really pretty."

I have to be honest here- I did NOT want that diamond.  I didn't understand the point in it.

I forgot about it......  Until Mother's Day.  And on Mother's Day, I came downstairs (after getting to sleep in) to find a hand-made card, and a little wrapped package on our table.  Joshua had made the card from a Nashville Arts magazine we picked up during our 10 year anniversary trip to TN.

Inside the box- I found my engagement ring (long story- I hadn't been wearing my ring- it was in my jewelry box).  It looked a little (a LOT) different.  He snuck away and put a Big. Huge. ROCK in my ring.  I say huge- it's a little more than 1/2 a carat- but to me- THAT's a big rock.

He was more excited than I was to have that ring.  I put it on my finger and admired it, and he took it off my finger, "Let's go outside.  And look at it IN THE SUN!"

I wasn't as excited as he thought I should be, and I felt kinda crummy about it.  I'm too practical, and thought that it was too much for me to have.  Finally- after a bit of a discussion- he said "I wanted you to have it- so you'd know that you're valuable."  Cha-CHING!!!!!!!  That did it.  I fell in love with that rock.  Because it came attached to a beautiful sentiment.  He wanted me to know that I was valuable.

And THAT was valuable to me.

Popeye the Sailor Man

There are times that I've thought to myself   "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?!?!  HAH!"  (insert scoff) I've often rephrased it to "What doesn't kill you, makes you wish it had."

Having been faced with many unenviable life challenges, I have to admit that in the moment, I found myself begging God to just "take me out".  Sad, but true.   Of course, like He promised, the challenge was never more than I could handle, and it did, IN FACT, make me stronger.  (At this point, I should be a body builder!)

The Word says to ALWAYS stay on guard.  Always!  Why?  Because the enemy wants to KILL us... (or make  us wish he had).

It's during those hard fought circumstances that I am made aware of just how weak I am when my eyes are not on JESUS.  When my focus is on ME (or somebody else) I'm Popeye with out his can of spinach.  Weak. Puny.  Feeble.  Lame.  

I'll say it again- because it's worth repeating- I am PRAISING God for the hardship I am going through. I've had a continual awareness of JUST how imperative it is that my eyes are on THE LORD- always.  ALWAYS!

I'm thankful that He has BOAT LOADS of spinach for me to take as I need.  I may have to plug my nose to get it down.  I may have to puree it so that I don't choke on it.... but it's there when I need it.  Always.

I'm praying for the day that I have (not only) acquired a taste for it, but that I CRAVE IT.  That I hunger for it.  That I can't get enough of it.

It's Me....

.......all tenderness is gone; in a blink of an eye all good will has withdrawn... and we mark out our paces, and stare out from our faces... Baby you and I are gone, gone, gone....

Incomprehensible layers of isolation; now you're the man with a heart of stone.. making me pay by being here alone....

Now I'm a woman who holds on to pain; looking for someone else to blame....

We hold all the keys to our undoing
Cutting me down in small degrees
You know my worst insecurities
I'm making no effort to understand
No one can hurt you like I can
Deep down inside the girl is waking up
She's calling out to the boy she loves.....

It's me.   Oh, Baby IT'S ME.....  

How in the world can tenderness be gone?  In a blink of an eye.....  Oh HOW in the world can tenderness be gone.... In a blink of an eye.....

Our Nashville Weekend (1)

Our trip into Nashville  has been eventful.  Here are a few highlights:

• Joshua movin' and groovin' down the hwy at excessive speeds beyond my comfort levels.  I Facebooked in efforts to keep my mind off of the sheer terror I was experiencing when we zoomed through "big-rigs" and "compact cars" in the F350 at 90 mph.  I may have had a slight panic attack.....maybe.

• Getting into Opryland around midnight (GA time) and  checking in to The Radison (because we wanted to find our 'cool-ville hotel in downtown Nashville and needed to book a last minute deal).  We discovered that The Radison was ultimate COUNTRYfied when we backed the truck up at our door- and had to dodge the pile of barf that was on the brick wall-railing and the carport.  I walked in the door and hit the "Front Desk" button:  "Oh. Hey.  Um?  Someone barfed outside our room....?"  and the front desk replied "Oh? Eh... Eeee... that's..... wow.. I'll send someone out that way."  

• We decided to walk on over to Shoney's for a midnight snack- they were closed.  Across the path was Johnny A's.  AWESOME decision.   The House Band was in-cred-i-ble!  We were highly entertained by the drunk-dancers.  The bass player was The Big Haired Lady and she killed me she was so awesome!  That chick tapped the bass while she was flippin' through her 'everything country' 10" thick book.  Joshua stole my heart when he requested "Tiger By The Tail"  (I'd never heard the song before.  I just thought it was special that he said "Hey honey.That songs for you.")  After he put in his request- the band tried but they couldn't figure the song out. They went with Buck Owens "Act Naturally".  
• AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE?!?!  Big Haired Lady hollared out-                                     "Ok Boys- keep going and switch it to E...        and Voila!........  The band moved into "Tiger By The Tail".  Swoon.... my heart was melting.... wait?!?!  What?!?!  That's not a sweet love song!?!?  It was still super-sweet.  And so funny.  I love my man.  

• While we were there- I tried convincing Joshua to order Fried Pickles.  It's one of our goals to try new stuff while we away for the weekend..  He didn't. ( I didn't blame him. )                                                I ordered White Beans and Corn Bread- apologizing in advance for my 'not-so-considerate' food choice. (what?)  They brought out white beans and..... pancakes?  Apparently I still have too much Northern blood running through my veins- 'cause I had to double check with the waitress: "Um? Is this the corn..... bread?"   She didn't mind.  "Ya, sweetie.  That's the corn bread."   "Heh.Heh.Heh.  Ok.  He he he."  (I'm such a dork!)

• And here we are.  In our room.  Totally stoked to be away for the weekend.  Tennessee is working out well for us so far.  I love it!  

Love Letter Number FOUR (I've missed a few)

 Why do I want to grow old with you?

 Marriage is hard.  We have struggled, haven't we?  Raising 3 young girls ain't exactly easy, is it?

 Going from our 2 year old's needs of diapers and redirection, to our 4 year olds' need for attention and bounce-proof-couches, onto our 6 year olds' need to know every-single-thing about ... ever-single-thing!  And somehow, we have to change course and focus on our marriage- on each other!  How do we do that?!?!

Love.  Humility. Sacrifice. Passion..... and a boat load of Humor.

I want to grow old with you because I need you!  You love me!
I need you to protect me when I am drowning in chaos- when you humble yourself and clean up the "Great Flood of 2010" after our 2 year old left the bathroom sink on- and the plug.. plugged in.
I need you to hold me when I'm inconsolable, sacrificing your need for more (than just having you hold me).
I need you to desire me- and you DO!
And I need you to make me laugh when I have found that there was NOTHING funny about my crazy day.  And you always make me laugh!


I envision the uncomfortable remarks we'll get from our daughters when they're teenagers.... you know... when (in our late 30's and very early 40's ) we're "Old" and they catch us sneaking a smooch in the kitchen (that's where "sex" starts, right?!?!).

I want to grow old with you because there is so much more to look forward to for The Rest of Our Life.  We're just getting started (after 10 years).

I want to grow old with you because you are THE MAN God intended me to grow old with.  You are my 'rescue-hero'.  I love you!

Love Letter Number THREE

Joshua,

Joshua
I've heard it said that our 'earthly father' can sometimes (unknowingly) give us the image of our 'Heavenly Father'.  We seem to relate who God is through what kind of daddy our father was.

I'm not sure if I've heard anyone say the same thing for a husband..... but it almost has to be true!!!  There have been so many times that, when thinking about you- and the love you have for me- I think "Wow!  God loves me like this, too?  Wait!!!  He loves me even MORE than this?!"  And I am in awe.

You know all of my secrets.  Every terrible thing about me.  You've seen me in my lowest place. Yet?  You love me, still.  (And you like me, which is even more incredible!)   So- it must mean that God loves me, still, despite my short-comings, despite my flaws, and my imperfections.  Sure.  I've known "God loves me".  But you bring it home- you make it realer the magnitude and the depth of HIS love.  Does that make sense?

And after having 3 kids over a short 4 year period- I'm not toting around a 'beauty queen' sash, yet you look at me as though I did.  You call me beautiful, and desirable after a long day of taking care of our home and our girls- food stained clothes, baggy eyes and all.....!   And if you call me beautiful- at my homeliest, how does God see me?  I can not imagine!

You reflect an image of God, in who you are, and in how you love.   Our daughters get to witness an INKLING of how deep their Heavenly Father's Love is through you.  They won't have to question His love, or yours- and neither do I.  You are adored.  I love you so much!
Amber

Love Letter Contest

Yesterday- (Feb 3) I entered my first love letter to Joshua on the Focus on the Family website.
They're having a 'contest', and each day- FOUR winners will be announced.  Each day- these 4 winners will win a prize;  A book or study of some sort about marriage.
I didn't win yesterday's.  And I can not tell a lie.  I'm bummed!  Maybe because I lost?
I also had high hopes of getting a notification that "I Won" on my birthday. Today

Really, though- the thing that bums me out the most is that the love letter I composed seems to be lost in cyber-space.  I don't know how to get a copy of it.  I didn't save it anywhere.  I typed it out directly through their site, hit "submit" and forgot to copy it to a retrievable file.

What I AM excited about is the fact that this contest will go on for another 9 days.  It ends at 3:59 PM (Mountain Time) on February 12, 2010.

What I'm even MORE excited about is that it represents ONE DAY for each year that we've been married that I will write a love letter to my husband during this contest.

And the best part of all:  The grand prize winner will be awarded:
Round Trip Air to Colorado Springs, CO.
Two Nights at The Broadmoor Hotel and Resort
Tickets to the LIVE Focus on Marriage simulcast event
An exclusive dinner with the featured speakers on Feb 26
And Essentials of Marriage products!

The trip will take place from February 26 through February 28.  It is an amazingly significant time frame to be entering this contest- our TEN YEAR wedding anniversary is March 3.  The winners of this contest will be attending this event the weekend before our anniversary.

Can I be any clearer that I am praying- PRAYING that God will give us supernatural Favor and somehow allow us to win this prize.

Not only have Joshua and I been desperately searching for an opportunity to have a weekend away- we have also tried figuring out a way to spend our anniversary... ON A TIGHT BUDGET!

I over think.  I hope very high.  And  I understand this.... "The higher you hope- the harsher the disappointment."  But?  I also know that I have extreme faith.  If I don't win a single contest- I've still got the opportunity to write my husband love letters- and we'll have THAT memory to cling to in the years to come.  I can see it now

 "Remember the time I tried to win us a trip to Colorado for our 10 year anniversary and I wrote all those love letters?"

Love Letter Number TWO

My faithful friend. My heart's desire.
The calm in the storm, you are courage under fire.
In the depth of our struggle; you patiently wait.
With brokeness; I've heard you pray

 
"Love is patient. It is kind. It trust. It protects. It hopes."
 Most importantly it perseveres.  The part of love that matters most.
 In all my efforts to push you away
 You've stood firm in Love,  you chose to stay.

 We signed a contract- on paper, and in our heart
Agreeing that only death would pull us apart
It doesn't get easier- yet we continue to fight
For our marriage, our children, for what we know is right

We battle, we rage, we fight in this war
Together we aim at the enemy's door
Beside you I'll stand- sword held high
I'll fight for you as you fight for me- for the rest of our lives

Because Jesus Christ held out His arms
Bleeding tears and a crown of thorns
He died for us. He suffered.  He pained.
Fighting for Love will not be in vain!

I love you truly with all of my heart, Joshua!
God has amazingly set it up so that I could write you one letter, per day, for each year we've been married.
In just a few weeks, we'll celebrate 10 years!  
I'll never be able to express how our marriage has awakened a new awareness of just how big our God is.  
According to the "world's standards", we shouldn't be standing beside each other now, loving each other,
and hanging on for dear life as we travel through another valley.
BUT! OH! How sweet it is when we reach that mountain top.  Side by side!

And I'm discovering that the mountain gets higher and higher every time we climb it!
LOVIN' THE VIEW!

Sometimes......

There are times....  sometimes...... that I suppress.   Times that I blog, when I'm really angry, and suppress every bad thought as to not seem negative.  Times that I "facebook" when my frustration levels have scored a gazillion on the scale, and I put something nonchalant about what it may be that is bothering me.

In writing- I find that I am most successful in expressing myself, with out sounding angry.  It comes out much nicer in the form of a letter than it does coming out of my mouth.

Tonight- however, I feel the need to be blatantly forward.  Not for anyone other than myself.  I need to be able to refer back to this day- so I can (hopefully) remember how "hard it use to be" and find gratitude that it's not anymore

There has been 'something' in our home; I couldn't tell you exactly what- but whatever it is that's going on- it's breaking me down.  Tearing apart my relationship with my daughters, and with my husband.  It's not 'just me', either.  It's 'something else'.  Satan?  His retarded little demons?  Something!

Passive aggression creates harsh aggression.  My husband?  He's super passively aggressive.  He may not realize it- but he IS.  And because I can see clearly through the falsehood, I become a fist full of fury when he DENIES it!!  OH!  I can't stand it.

(Anyone out there reading this that hears from their spouse, friend, relative, or second cousin twice removed that you're 'passive aggressive', you need to TAKE. NOTE.  Try to fix it.  And make it snappy.  Because if you're being called out on it- it's being realized, and your aiding the person dealing with 'you' in their outward aggression.)

Moving on.

My primary 'love language' is "Acts of Service".  This being said- if my husband neglects his responsibilities, I feel like I'm unimportant to him.  When I find myself picking up the random sock lying in the middle of the floor after he's kicked it out of his way....or throwing away the diaper he's just changed, blowing leaves, checking the air pressure in my tire, taking out the garbage, getting a phone call from the power company that our power will be turned off because our bill wasn't paid, etc. etc. etc....  when THAT happens- and I've got to pick up the slack- ON TOP of my massive load......  ya.... I feel extremely unloved.

 I wish my love language was 'touch'- then I'd feel like the most LOVED woman on the planet.  He wants to hug me, and kiss me, and 'loooove' on me all. of. the. time!!  But?  That's not MY love language.  That's his.  It doesn't work for me when he hugs me right AFTER he dumps crud all over our floor and neglects to pick it up.

When I get to witness my husband enjoying the sweet childhood of our children, while I wipe the sweat from my brow as I toss another load of laundry in, clip a few more coupons,  sweep the floor and wipe the mess from the table.....  I become bitter.  Not because I have to take care of my responsibilities- but because I'm behind due to his lack of responsibility... and because most of the time- by the end of the day- I have to miss out on how incredible our kids really are due to the red-light flashing in my brain screaming 'over load, over load, over load'.

I bust my BOOtay day in and day out- cleaning, washing, cooking, educating, disciplining, and so on- all day, every day.  I sacrifice my time in order to assure that my children are not chowing down on chicken nuggets and french fries, but that their consuming fresh, whole, all natural food.  And I stress over curriculum and time frames in order to assure that our girls are not 'going through the public system' in order to achieve a decent level of education.  In the middle of it all- I'm counseling and redirecting behavior.  I'm reading and researching to try to figure out all of the 'how to's' on this whole "mommy thing" because my mom was never able to teach me how to do it.

And all of my efforts- I feel- are in vain.  Because I SUCK at being a good mom.  I'm so 'on edge'.  Just overwhelmed.  Exhausted.  Burnt-Freaking-OUT!

 I find myself shoveling the blame on my husband for my state-of-mind. " I would NOT be so consumed if he would spend a few- just a few- extra minutes doing 'his part'."

I have a friend- with one child- who's husband has said from the beginning "I work.  You stay at home.  It's not my job to clean."  And that's THAT.  The end.  She 'does it all';  home school, housework, cooking....  Selfishly- I think to myself that it's a reasonable approach from her husband's point of view.  She's got one child.  It's one- against- one.  I guess it makes more sense to me that way???  Should it, though?

Here I am struggling with emptied out Rice Krispy boxes all over our dining room floor, and blood-curdling screams from one or the other for some reason or other, while dishes pile up, and laundry refuses to walk itself into the washer/dryer and drawers and 'school' beckons me to begin.

 I'm pulled into 3 different directions JUST from the basic care  taking of our daughters.  3 different needs.  3 different stages of development.  THREE!

I certainly was not blessed with the Jesus Christ Love and Patience that is required of a person raising a family with 3 amazing little girls and one hard-working man.  And any patience I have acquired in these past 28 years gets sucked out of me so quickly that one would assume I'd not had any at all!

Sometimes- I just want my husband to pick up that DANG sock.  And throw away that empty shampoo bottle and the poopy diaper laying on the dresser.   No.  Not sometimes.  All. Of. The. Time.  It's one less second I have to spend 'working' and not any amount of physical hardship on him.

Sometimes, he does a rocking job taking care of our home.... most of the time- he wakes up in the morning and unloads the dishwasher and takes out the garbage.  Phew.  Most of the time, this is a treasure to my day.  Empty dishwasher.  Empty trashcan.  Most of the time- I am full of sincere gratitude that he takes care of these two things for me.

 But!  Sometimes- nuh-uh...NO!....sometimes..... it's not enough.

Sometimes, I need my van to get a good looking at to make sure it's not going to fall apart as I'm driving down the road.  Sometimes I need the little things ( in much larger quantities.)  Sometimes.

Sometimes I'm spent- and I need much more from this partner of mine.  Sometimes, I need him to remove his hand from his back and stop patting it just because he 'chopped wood and went to work today'.  YES.  I'm thankful for that... I certainly am.

BUT!  While he chopped a few pieces of wood- I was at Walmart with our 2 and 4 year old.  At Walmart.  In the ice and snow!  Out in the cold dark with a funky sound coming from my tires and my engine.

With a medium sized Chick Fil A cup FULL of barf from the 4 year old who randomly got sick.  With the 2 year old heavily snoozing.  With a forgotten wallet in my van after finagling my way through the aisles trying to fit my groceries UNDER the cart and showing the whole store my butt crack from bending over and over and over plucking out my goods from the under carriage.  With one buggy full of groceries, and the other packed with a (still) snoozing 2 year old, and an (all of the sudden) spiffy-loud-excited 4 year old, who just 25 minutes prior was screaming as though she was dying and throwing up (in afore mentioned Chick Fil A cup).

With having to go back OUT in the cold snow to retrieve my wallet, and having my phone ring to hear my husband ask "Can you get me some cereal?  (I can't) Just go grab some for me real quick! (I gotta let you go.. I can't talk right now)

And then- coming home from the store- after already having a  full hard core day of straight-up CLEANING   to realize that the $#$*%@ baby powder that my 2 year old had emptied out the day before was STILL all over the foyer stairs. (One of 3 spots I missed.)  The bathroom counters are still grossly full of JUNK, and my husband was on my heels "Do we have any clean bed linens anywhere- are there any clean towels???"  More back patting from him "I emptied the dishwasher.  And reloaded it.  And paid the bills."

 After the DAY I had- and after the EVENING I had endured- I couldn't see those dishes he put away.  I could only see the powdered stairs.  And the bathroom counters.  And the 5 minutes that would have made all of those little things disappear.

Grocery bags I brought in from the cold wetness were on the table and the kitchen counter....  waiting for ME to empty them as my husband chowed down on the cereal I brought home (not his kind like he had requested while I was checking out)  and I found myself snap-crackle and pop right along side that stupid cereal!

 I was DONE!  The wall came up.  The attitude.  The 'glazed over' look found it's way to my bitter angry eyes.  The "Whatever" found its way to my lips.  Whatever.  Whatever.  I don't care.  What-EVER!

And that's where I'm at now- even after 47 minutes of Kari Jobe, Selah, and Fernando Ortega- I'm still mad.  Just. MAD!

Frustrated that no matter what- I'm still going to be behind, he's still going to stake claim in his 'I do my part all of the time' and I'm going to feel unloved, under-appreciated, totally deflated, angry, lonely, and broken-hearted.   I'm missing out.  And I blame him.

 I don't require a perfectly clean house- just the basics.  I'm not OCD- maybe a little ADD, but I'm not ridiculously asking too much from my man.  We have small kids.  The work load is extreme.  I should NOT have to take care of most of our life all by myself.  I want him to do his part.  Fix the hole in our wall.  Change the oil.  Clean the yard.  Mow the grass.  Put up shelves.  Fix the floor.    Pay the bills (on time).   I really feel like if he'd JUST do his part- I'd not be so consumed.

Sometimes a person gets to vent out their woes and hangups on their blog.  Sometimes- it feels better to just tell the world how TICKED off you are.   This time?

What good did it do me?

Rereading it- I sound like an unthankful BITCH.  What was it I said before?  The written word (something or other) doesn't hide the truth.

Hmmm.......

What a day.  What an unpredictable, all-together exhaustingly frustrating day.

***Please God- let tomorrow be so awesome that I'll want to blog about IT.  Please give me some peace- and patience and self-control.  Please give me more time to get it right where my kids are concerned.  Please give me a supernatural endurance.  Give me focus.  Determination to NOT give up on my man, myself, or on You.
Thanks, Lord- for never giving up on me.  I know I disappoint you. I know I hurt you.  I know I infuriate you.  Thanks for loving me anyway.
<3 Amber

Worry Not....

Every morning, at o'dark thirty.... sometime in between 5:00 and 6:00 AM, my husband comes into our room to tell me goodbye. Some of the time, he lays down beside me and snuggles with me for a few minutes, or he'll sit on the side of the bed, patiently amused while I try to wake up enough to mutter "Hey sweetie.....bye....... honey...... I love you.......mmmm.... Be........ careful."

A sinking, sad feeling usually rises up when I hear the front door close. I start praying that he'll be safe... that God will keep His hand on him, and supernaturally protect him. I try not to worry, but it's so hard not to think about the numerous unsafe circumstances he will be in, or could get in.

Aside from the fact that my husband's drive into "the office" is unsafe due to bald tires and windy mountain roads- he also makes his way from 'the office' to the big city of Atlanta via Ga. 400 at 7:00 AM, and 5:00 PM..... it's like russian roulette- you're either going to make it home with out a wreck, or you're NOT. (He has had several- SEVERAL- fender benders in the past few months. "The Other Guy" runs into his (massive) truck, he sees no damage, and worries not about the technical need for the 911 call.)

Once in the designated area for work- whether it be a residential house in the luxury of a gated community or a commercial building in the depth of the Atlanta "Hood", the real danger becomes present.

He runs up and down ladders carrying heavy material on his shoulder. He walks, crawls, and sits on roofs rising from a simple 1 story flat roof to a terribly steep 3 story, and UP.

Once- he fell OFF a roof straight onto his back, and recently- his helper fell from a 2 story roof. Neither were hurt (badly)- but it makes it clear that this career that my husband is in, it is NOT safe at ALL.

I have found myself in a panic here and there- after a long 'discussion' the night before, and poor use of my vocabulary (saying words I didn't mean)- and having too much pride to apologize before he went off to work the following morning. "What if something happens to him? I didn't tell him I loved him. I didn't hug him.....What if will I do if I don't have him here to take care of us?"

I try not to worry so much- and usually- I can contain it.

But- the other day-one of the things I had feared the most occurred. On the way into work, on a windy mountain road, with wet pavement and a dark sky, he had a front tire blow out. My husband was driving our old truck, "Blue". A a '77 Ford 4wd, 4-speed that needs so much work- including a new steering mechanism. (No power steering, and a LOT of 'give' in the steering wheel.)

What a terrible situation. OH!!!! It's dark. It's rainy. It's DAHLONEGA- the town that recently found itself minus one "Good Samaritan".  (a citizen had had stopped to help a motorist, and was hit by a car)

But the Lord had His hand on my man.  It could have been terrible.  The FRONT tire of a big, blue truck with  terrible steering blows... in the RAIN.... in the dark.... IN THE MOUNTAINs of Dahlonega.  

"Worry Not my child.  I will take care of you.  I will provide for you.  I will protect you."   -God

He was talking to me.  Not Joshua.  Taking care of me equals taking care of my husband.  Protecting me means protecting my husband.

Joshua did not wreck.  He moved over to the side of the road- where there 'just happened' to be a little 'side road' for him to park Blue on.  Out of the way of the crazy drivers.  Out of the way.  Safe.

Thanks, Lord.  You love me sooo much.

I want.....

I want my husband to live in his 'sweet spot'.  I want him to have a career that will enable him to use his talents, a career that will challenge him in a way that will inspire him.  I want my husband to go to work, and offer his skills and his natural abilities, and come home satisfied in what he's doing.

I don't want him TO HAVE to work at a place that drains him.  I know.  I know.  Most people that have a career aren't in a career that they truly love.  I don't expect him to wake up in the morning saying "YIpEE.... I get to go to work!"  I just want him to have something to look forward to.  Something that will bring him a reward other than a paycheck at the end of his day or week.

Currently-  my oh-so! talented husband is a roofer.  It sounds so simplistic.  But- it's not.  He's an extremely AWESOME roofer- he's an irreplacable asset to his dad's company.  Honestly- I've no idea what his dad would do with out Joshua.  Not only is my husband a skilled laborer- he's naturally inclined to look at a problem (mechanically) and figure it out- SUCCESSFULLY!  I don't think there's been a time that he has been faced with a mechanical malfunction that he's not been successful at fixing it.

You name it!!!  He's like that guy from "Slingblade".  He can fix it.  He can figure it out.  He can work it out.  It matters NOT what it is.  If it won't power up- he'll MAKE it power up.  PERIOD!  I sound biased????!!!! Well- look- I'm not.  It's just the plain ol' matter-of-fact TRUTH.

So?  His current job.  Roofing.... eh... he can do it- and do it WELL.  It just doesn't challenge him.  He likes the process of 'rebuilding' and 'reworking' but not the process of driving 4 hours a day in Atlanta traffic, and having to wake up at 4:30 in the morning, and not coming home to rest until after 5 or 6:00 in the evening.  He's exhausted.  He's drained.  He's not in his sweet spot.

I want him to be in his sweet spot.  God knows where he should be.  And I'm digging in- praying that He will lead my husband to the career that will put him smack dab IN THE MIDDLE of the sweetest spot he could be in.

Author in Waiting....

I do think- that at some point in my life- I'll have written a book. Maybe it won't get published, maybe it will? I don't think I actually care, either way.

Joshua ONLY bought me this handy little laptop that I type on during each blog, so that I would, in fact, become a published author and make (him) a million dollars. Ha! He actually meant it- lovingly- and it was sweet to hear that he had extreme confidence in me, and then SEE it in action when he totally surprised me with the Acer on my birthday this year (Feb 09).

He was cute about it. Really cute, actually!! I woke up in the morning with a birthday card on the dining room table. It said something like "I couldn't afford to get a you a laptop for your birthday..." and then the inside said something funny.

He had already left for work. On my way to (somewhere) that morning, I went out to start the van to let it get cozy before I loaded up the girls. And there, on the front seat, was an unwrapped box that indicated I had a NEW computer. A laptop. A notebook. Something that didn't tie me down to the computer chair! "WHAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" Speed dial #2. "OH MY GOSH!!!! DID YOU seriously BUY THIS FOR ME??!??!!"

Joshua is not exactly the Rico Suave of important dates. Anniversary, Valentines, Christmas, Birthday. It's hit or miss. When he misses, it's such a let down.... let's be real here, somewhere buried deep inside (way deep) I'm just your typical girl that wants some Wooo-Ing.

When he hits, though (aka... doesn't FORGET)- it makes up for EVERY time he has ever neglected the certain occasions that are important to me. I have 2 bottom line occasions that I really want to be 'honored' on. Ok, actually... 3.

#1 My birthday. I love birthdays. My Daddy is to blame for this. He made a point, even in our adult life, to make our birthdays super special.... complete with Ice Cream and Cake!!

#2 Our Anniversary. It's unfortunate for him, that it's ONE MONTH after my birthday.... but it's not so much the gift giving as it is the "make it super special" that I hope for. I think my hope is that he considers the fact that I've had to put up with him for *xx* years and I totally deserve a nice 'date' out. And, too, I hope to get at least one date with him per year so we can actually remember why it is we got married, and that we do, actually, still really like each other. You know, "like like", each other, not just "like".

#3 Mother's Day. Ok- I'm not his Mommy- but I'm the Mother of his children. I prefer this to be a special day set aside to just RELAX. Let me relax, totally- completely. Clean the house. Wash the car. Send me somewhere for a massage?? It doesn't matter, really.

Ok- anyway- I'm obviously side tracked.

Guess what the whole point of this blog was today???

To announce- to all 3 of my readers... that I HAVE A TITLE for the book I'll one day write. Yaaaay!!

I'll tell you in person (or via email) if you really want to know.

I told my husband, and he said "Ohhhh-Kay" He didn't get it. I'm kind of nervous now, you know, doubting myself and all. "It's lame. It's a totally lame title."

Then again? If I told Joshua we had just WON a million dollars, he'd likely say "Ohhhhh-Kay" and add a little bit of a smile just to show he's happy about it.

I do want to......

Praise You in the Storm..... Lord- I do want to! Really..... realllllllllllly want to just 'raise my hands and praise the God who gives- and takes away'

But I don't know how to do it this time. I don't know how NOT to call out to Jesus- IN FRUSTRATION! "Lord- you were sappose to have taken care of this." "Lord! I feel like you've left me- abandoned me."

I'm sick- SICK of Christians not being transparent. I'm sick of feeling like I'm the only one amidst a storm. THE STORM! I know I'm not. Good grief, people. Suck IT UP! You're not perfect- your life isn't awesomeness ALLLLL the stinkin time. It's hard. Life. Is. Hard.

That "Life is Good" crap? Annoying. Oh- Sure. There are times, that life is truly goooood! Real good. But in reality- Life is Hard. That's what's real. Stick THAT on a t-shirt!

And here's the awesome thing I've learned (the hard way) about transparency. You don't have to be like--- all up in your face transparent. As in- here's all by 'bid-ness' layed out for you to pick apart.

But transparent as in- THIS SUCKS! It sucks. Sucks. SUCKS! (ya. I said "SUCKS!") Cause it does. I'm sick of the rain. The thunder. The lighning. THE ELECTROCUTION. Teee-RD of it. (redeck Teeerd of it!) It's 'whack'. It's 'lame'. I'm 'over it'. I hate it.

I hate the storm.... while I'm in it. I tend to HATE the person that is the cause of my storm. I tend to absolutely DETEST the human being that is the center of that freakin' whirl-wind chaos.

But I don't want to. And I don't need to.

So- here's some naked-ness for you.

Marriage is the hardest freakin' thing. Add in a few kids- various strong holds, and... BAM! Emeril ain't got NOTHIN' on you. Or me. BAM. POW. Ka-Plooo-EEE! EXPLOSION!

It's hard. I don't care who you are- whoever is reading this random blog. I don't care what you think about me- my family- or what-EVER! Life is Hard! I want to Praise my GOD in the storm. But mostly- I end up lifting up my praise after it's blown over. That's what's real for me. Maybe- just maybe- I'll be awesome enough to be all WHOO HOOO during the chaos. But right now? I am NOT awesome. Not. At. ALL!!!!

Go Back to Start

Nothing seems to drain Hope and Courage out of me faster (and harsher) than when my marriage is going wrong. I know I'm not the only spouse that has felt this way... with the current divorce rate averaging 50%.... I'm going to assume that atleast half of the people I know (that are married) have, at one point or another, felt discouraged and hopeless about their marriage.



There are tremendous 'ups', and outrageous 'downs' in this relationship! It seems as if over the past 9 years we've been playing this sort of board game. We're on 'start' in the beginning, trying to figure each other out, learn how to communicate, and create a partnership to go along with the love and friendship that ignited the desire to marry in the first place; we roll the dice and land on various 'tiles' in this board game: Start a business, have a baby, buy a house, start a new career, buy a car, etc. etc. etc.



Here's the problem with this board game (a metaphor for my marriage):
After each advancement to a new tile, we draw a card that says "Go Back To Start"...... But we always 'cheat', ignoring the rules in an effort to hurry along to the next tile. So, after our first baby was born, instead of relearning how to communicate, budget, etc.. ("going back to start"), we assumed we'd be fine doing what we'd always done; despite the major change we had added to our life.



We've NEVER gone back to start. Instead, we draw a bunch of "Move Back 10 Spaces" and we don't get the option to 'cheat' and ignore that card's orders. This disables us from moving on with the game (the marriage), keeping us stuck on tiles that we have been on, over and over and OVER again. And what is the typical response to an individual that can't seem to advance, whether it be a game, a career, a relationship (or whatever)? Quit!


Just quit.... is what over 50% of our brains tell us to do. And I'm just going to go out on a limb here, and assume that like 97.6% of our brains are actually 'telling' us to quit, but only around 1/2 listen to that prompt.

My brain has been screaming at me, telling me that if I don't go on back to "start" I'll never advance, and I will have to quit [my marriage].

My heart, my spirit, THE TRUTH tells me to suck it up, though. And I also know that it's not so much my 'brain' prompting me quit, as much as it is Satan.

I have a beautiful friend, an incredible blessing in my life. God knew I'd need her, and He gave her a boldness to speak to me in Truth, and in Love so that I would hear what He would being saying to me if He were in the flesh sitting beside me.


When I was confessing my anger and hurt, and frustration in regard to the challenges I've faced in my marriage, she said to me

"Amber. What if this is your cross to bear? What if GOD is using this to teach you how to deal with your struggles?"


AND BAM! That was it. I got out of my 'woe is me' pit and just went over that statement with myself, thinking about how TRUE it is that my own problems have nothing to do with him.

Screeech. Hold on. Let me stop here. I need to clarify (confess, admit, show some skin, whatever) my 'struggle'. I have a really (REALLY) hard time conrolling my emotions. In short, my struggle is 'self-control', but it manifest itself in my marriage as ANGER.


So? Do I think God is 'making' my marriage bad? Is He 'allowing' the issues in our marriage to remain, in order to teach me 'self-control'???

NO! And if anyone tried to convince me of this, I'd laugh in their face. ( That's not how My GOD rolls....)

He is just sweet enough, and LOVING enough to USE the hardship I face during the crappy times in my marriage. As in- "My grace is sufficient for you, and my strength is made perfect in weakness" (When it sucks big time and you're at your lowest, God's grace is enough, and HIS strength is enabled to come out)


So, where I would have NOT A CLUE how to get a grasp on self-control, God takes it upon Himself to use a bad situation (a problem with in my marriage) that almost always makes me fail and lose control (get angry and act stupid), to show me where I am weak, and where I lack. And then, He allows me to make a choice...

Do I use this [fill in the blank 'issue' with in my marriage] to practice self-control and get a grasp on my anger, or do I let it go to waste, and see nothing good out of this bad?

I hope I choose the former more and more, because the latter is a stupid choice.

Marriage in the Now

It has been an incredible 6 days. On Saturday, January 24, 2009 Joshua and I attended a Dr. Gary Chapman marriage seminar. It's a one day 9-3 thing that goes through and touches on some important marriage issues. Biggies- Communication and Sex among other important issues.

Joshua has been THE MAN! He has been so freaking amazing. I mean, consistently amazing. I, on the other hand, have sucked. I've been moody and stressed, and anxious, and stressed and stressed. And I'm an outward sorta, girl. If I'm stressed, it's all out. He's been understanding and patient. Loving. UNDERSTANDING!!! He's rubbed my back during an almost panic attack, and he's done the dishes and cooked dinner when I was just too exhausted to peel my butt of the couch.

I'm praying that we can begin reading the book we bought at the seminar, and start using more of what we learned that afternoon. Joshua got it. I mean- he totally got it. I want to get it better and have both of us KEEP IT.

Thank You JESUS for working this miracle. I'm so humbled, and amazed that YOU thought so much of us that You would work this out in the way it has worked.