Shedding the Plastic

I am in LOVE with Jesus. I am in forever awe of our Mighty God. 

But I am a sucky Christian. 

I know the Truth and love the Truth.... yet I can so quickly walk away from it?! I don't understand that. 

God spoke to me. "I'm going to remove that obstacle, Amber. I'm going to." 

And my actions all but call my Savior a liar. He promised, so that means I should park my rear and wait. Right? 
That's what I would tell you. I would say- "Be still. Wait on the Lord!". And I would believe it passionately with everything in me. I would pray for you and hope for you and encourage you to "Wait on the Lord.". 

Why can't I do that for myself? Why can't I wait? Why can't I be still in the Promise that He made to me? 

If I'm going to be transparent, I'll have to explain my heart condition:  I. Am. Angry. 

I'm so mad. And so stinking bitter about circumstances that continue to rear their ugly head in front of the path that I am so desperately trying to stay on. 

I'm fed up. I know that I'm battling a spiritual issue, but find myself constantly telling the "flesh" to put up it's dukes so that I can beat THE HELL out of it. 

I know what the Bible says. 

I know!! 

Don't tell me. Don't re-explain it. 

Dang-it. 

I'm so weak in my spirit. My spirit is a bloody mess. My flesh is, too- but I can see the flesh. It's all-up-in-my-grill, taunting me, harassing me like a 2nd grade kid 'Nanna-nanna-boo-boo'. 

 I am raging against what I can "see" rather than what is "unseen"..... 

And  I know better!  

My heart is broken and I'm watching myself crawl down into a pit. I'm all but seeking refuge in the depth of my own self sorrow. 

Why? 

Maybe it's easier to crawl into that pit than to SUCK-it-Up and fight for Truth? Maybe it's easier to dwell in self pity than to fight for my spirit?

I know i need to fight against the unseen and quit belly aching about the things that I see. 

Is that what I'm going to do? 

Am I going to buck up, stick in my mouth piece and put on my tackle gear so that I can start fighting in a battle that's being lead by the Mightiest Warrior? 

Or am I going to hide in a hole and wait until the enemy destroys me because I'm too lazy to get down to business? 

I. Don't. Know. 

I wish I could write this and say with authority that I'm going to start kicking Hell in the teeth and not look back until Jesus comes to finish what He started. 

But right now I'm weak. And broken. And there is so much of me that feels hopeless and lost. 

Christians aren't s'pose to talk about these things, right!? 

I've heard it said many times that we aren't "representing" what being a Christian is about if we are confessing that we feel hopeless and alone in our struggle. 

Well, guess what!! Being a Christian isn't a plate full if cheesecake and brownies. 

It's not easy. 

It's HARD, buddy! 

P.S., Jesus said it was gonna be hard. Why in the world are we trying to hide the truth that Jesus made so clear?  Dude, Jesus had it hard! He cried bloody tears, people! We think we gotta pretend like we aren't struggling?!? 

It's worth it- please don't get me wrong. In all of the crap that I've gone through, I've witnessed God working in my life. I've seen His might. I've seen His power. I could NEVER turn away from Him. 

But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard. And sometimes lonely. And times, like now, I wanna curl up into my self whiney-ness, pull the covers over my head, and quit trying to finish the race. 

I don't want any sympathy. I want EMPATHY. Tell me I'm not alone in these thoughts and these fears and this struggle.  But don't feel sorry for me. 

God has a plan. I believe He does. I trust Him and know that even if I mess up, He'll still walk beside me.

I really wanted to be honest and real about the thoughts and hardships I face in my walk. I want to remove the lie that we have to ONLY share our praise reports and happy-go-lucky good things. We need to share with one another our hardships, too. As Christians we need to be in REAL fellowship with one another, and that means we need to start shedding the plastic and walk this walk in true transparency!