Mommyhood

5 minutes.

The time that goes by without an interruption, or an explosion of

"MomEEEE!!!!".  

It doesn't matter what I'm doing.

Cooking.

Cleaning.

Folding laundry.

Writing.

Reading.

Taking a bath.

Interruption.

"She took my doll."

"She won't get out of my room."

"She hit me."

"She... They... But can I... Why won't you... Why NOT?!?"

At the end of my rope I grasp, losing my sanity. I can't do this Mommy thing!!  I can't be patient when I need to be. I can't use calm, yet assertive words to get my point across!!!  I can't have a thought long enough to keep it as my own before it is robbed from me!!!

And just when I think I've had more than I can handle, one of them comes to me and says- out of the blue, in the midst of my chaos,

"I love you!!  You're the BEST mommy in the world!!!"

And it all disappears. The frustration melts away, and I am suddenly refreshed with more will, and more strength to live up to what they believe to be true.

I'm a good mommy??

No.  

I'm the BEST mommy!!  

Insecurity: Reader's Digest Version

(minus the preface- because I got a little wordy).


In the 7+ years since I last 'worked' a regular job I have found that my security is still often found in affirmation (or the lack-there-of).  Each and every time I find myself doing something 'new', I look around like a lost child for somebody to 'help' me.  Someone to tell me I'm "doing great".  Someone to rate me.  Someone to constructively criticize me.  Someone to pat me on the back, or kick me in the rear.  I suppose in all actuality, I wasn't just looking for affirmation- I simply looking for something to help me know "how I was doing". 

As a mom, it's hit or miss  (mostly miss) as to whether or not I'm going to get that needed "good job! you're great! I like what you're doing.".  I've learned to look for it in different ways.  Maybe it's when my 7 year old hits a maturity-growth spurt and I see her flourishing as she interacts with her friends at school instead of pouting or whining.  It may be when my 5 year old bounces around the house like the tender-loving-goof-ball that she is singing "I love you, Mommy!  I love you!"  And at times, it's when my 3 year old is quietly playing with blocks instead of deconstructing our living room with markers and paint.

And I am so quick to shoot myself down, so quickly I find something that I lack, something that makes me less-than-decent, I find all of the wrong that I've done, and I see all the ways that I fail. 

I see piles of laundry that beat me down with their odorous stench, reminding me of just how terribly Ido manage my time and my resources.

I see cluttered floors that trip me up and take me further down a few notches, telling me that I should be able to keep a clean house like a 'normal' stay at home mom does.

I see a blog with empty and unfinished post and a book yet to be written half way through, helping me to realize that being a writer isn't where I'm going to find myself anytime soon.

I see chubby thighs and flabby arms that harshly encourage me to forgo my sloth and hit the gym (and stop eating so many Cheez-Its forGoodnessSAKE!).

But if YOU were to tell me all of these things about yourself, I'd knock you off your pity party and remind you of how unfair you were being to yourself.  HECK!  If YOU were to tell me all of these things about MYSELF, I'd defend my cluttered floors and chunky butt with ALL of the reasons why I shan't be made to feel less-than-what-I-am.

Isn't in interesting?!  How insecurity plays tricks and manipulates our thought!?  Isn't it interesting that, in everything a person can accomplish- it's rare to find a true sense of security in so many of us human beings!

I've never looked at a Lion and thought
"Awww.  She'd be able to kill that little baby deer if she'd just stop feeling so badly about herself." 

Lord, NO!  A Lioness knows that if she's hungry, she's gotta hunt, and once she sets her eyes on her meal, she's gonna be eatin'.  And I'm willing to bet that she doesn't feel a bit of insecurity about her ability to feed her lion mate or train her babies to be great lions and lioness'.   

Perhaps that's the problem?  Perhaps I was never trained to be a great mother.  Or a great wife.  Or a great writer.  Perhaps I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, or how I'm suppose to be doing it.  Perhaps my insecurity comes from something as small as "not knowing". 

That's where the enemy grabs up some trampling ground.  The bible says that Satan is the "author of confusion".  It's true.  He wrote a novel pinpointing all of my insecurities, all of my short-comings, all of my "I don't know what I'm doing's", and he reads it to me daily. 

My failure isn't anything that he says it is.  My failure is simply allowing that 'novel' to be read to me by the author of LIES.

Here's what I know:

God directs my path. 
He will make a way for me. 
He is the official author of Truth, and Love, and Security.


I forget this often.  I am who I am because HE made me who I should be.  If I fail- it's a blessing to learn from my mistakes- not an option to beat myself up.  If I prosper- it's a blessing from HIM and not an opportunity to boast in my ability; but that doesn't give me the right to tear myself down, either.

The Lord used a situation that I was in recently to reveal just how terribly insecure I really am.  I had been starving for an affirming word to the point of tears, and had gotten myself into a pit of emotional malfunction.  God kept whispering "Hey- why are you hoping to find your security in that?"  and I kept ignoring His question. 

Finally, He roared in my heart
"DO NOT FIND AFFIRMATION IN THOSE THINGS!!!  FIND. IT. IN. ME."

I heard Him loud and clear.  And found myself asking questions and hearing answers.  I discovered a few very important life-points that I hope to remember.

A.
If I'm doing anything, I have to be certain that I require no affirmations afterward.  Furthermore- I should expectnothing in return.    Whether it be cooking my family a meal, or building somebody a house.... If I do anything it needs to be out of a genuine heart to "do" and not to "get".

B.
If ever (whenEVER) I find myself in a pit- I have GOT to remember to check the reality of why it is that I'm in that pit.  Did I mess up or am I just being insecure? 

C.
Take the 'playback' and 'predict' off of my options menu. 
DO NOT play back situations that you were in and pick yourself apart.
Stop predicting what someone is going to say and/or do as a way to convince yourself that you shouldn't approach and/or move forward with something you know you should do.  Example: If you need to apologize, don't assume it's going to be a waste of your time because you "know" the other person is going to rip-you-a-new-one.  Just apologize.  


It seems as if many of us are insecure.  I know that among the friends and family that I have, at least those who are willing to admit it, that this is a true statement.  It's not just women, either ya'll.  Men, too.  Maybe even more so.

So I'm not alone in my insecurity.  But I don't want to stay in it, either. 

Insecurity

I was the newcomer at my job.  21 years young, and completely uncertain of myself.  I had worked in that type of environment before; but I'd never had the position that I was now holding.  I was a part of the management team,  I was on a salary....  I was scared out of my skin!

I had to "fake it so I'd make it."  That was all there was to it.  The person that hired me found something in me that told her that I was a good fit for the job.  I applied for the job because I had found something in me that said that I could not only do the job, but also love what I was doing.

The position I held was an Activities Director at an Assisted Living Facility.  My job was to come up with, initiate, and lead the senior residents at the facility in various activities.  There were some that were very mobile and cognitive, some were immobile and unaware, and there were some in between.  Easy enough.  We filled our days with Bingo, "Spa" treatments (nails painted, hand massages, etc. given by Yours Truly), we had 'lunch dates' out, we went to local Farmers Markets and picked corn and beans to shuck and snap.  We did it all.  We had a blast!!  That was the easy part.  THAT was the rewarding part.

If ever I questioned myself, if ever I felt concerned that I was failing- those sweet, loving, and oh-so-wise senior friends of mine would (unknowingly) snuff out all those insecurities by lifting me up, by thanking me for being there for them, by loving on me.  Even those that were going downhill in their dementia would somehow affirm me through their words, or smiles, or lightened up eyes when I entered their room.

Alongside that role, I also needed to be in contact with the residents' family via a monthly newsletter and calendar that I was to create and send out.

I needed to schedule doctor's appointments on the days that I had set aside to help the residents "run errands".  It made them feel more independent- to come to me and say "I want to go get my nails done; can we fit that in on Tuesday."  or "I'd like to go to Rite Aid and pick up some new makeup".

And then there were some that simply did not want to participate.  They were bitter about their circumstances.  Many were depressed.  I went 'out of the box' and chose to coddle these ones; knowing that they wouldn't participate at all in any corporate activity- I chose to go-to-them.  I knocked on their door,  I sat on the edge of their bed, or beside them on their couch, and we chatted.  That's all they needed; somebody to talk to, and somebody to listen.  And that's what I gave them, and that's what I loved the most about my job.

That "job" (and I quote job because more often that not it was more than a pleasure to be doing what I was doing) enabled me to grow in more ways than I realized it had.  

Through all the affirmations that I recieved (from residents and their family members), I found my security.
But then, there was my boss.  She didn't quite view me the way others did.  She was often unhappy with how I utilized my time.  She was often frustrated when I visited residents 'one on one' instead of pushing them to join in on our activities.  She stressed me out more than I care to recall.  And to be fair- she was right in many ways.  I didn't do 'the job' the way she would have done it, and in was her right to enforce her requirements on me.

It was rare that she affirmed me.  Rare.  And though I had my praises sung on a daily basis by the residents that I cherished so dearly-  the chastising and ridicule that she offered broke me back into insecurities shape.

Affirmation.  Oh, how I love thee.  Oh, how I need you!

Leaving my position as an Activities Director came to pass when my new role as "mommy" took over.  Talk about a 180.  Or was it?!  I suppose I found a few affirmations in the sweet slumber that my  newborn offered me right after she finished nursing.  And I may have took it as a personal compliment each-and-every-time anyone doted on how sweet and beautiful my baby girl was (and still is.... )

In the 7+ years since I last 'worked' a regular job I have found that my security is still often found in affirmation (or the lack-there-of).  Each and every time I find myself doing something 'new', I look around like a lost child for somebody to 'help' me.  Someone to tell me I'm "doing great".  Someone to rate me.  Someone to constructively criticize me.  Someone to pat me on the back, or kick me in the rear.  I suppose in all actuality, I wasn't just looking for affirmation- I simply looking for something to help me know "how I was doing".

As a mom, it's hit or miss  (mostly miss) as to whether or not I'm going to get that needed "good job! you're great! I like what you're doing.".  I've learned to look for it in different ways.  Maybe it's when my 7 year old hits a maturity-growth spurt and I see her flourishing as she interacts with her friends at school instead of pouting or whining.  It may be when my 5 year old bounces around the house like the tender-loving-goof-ball that she is singing "I love you, Mommy!  I love you!"  And at times, it's when my 3 year old is quietly playing with blocks instead of deconstructing our living room with markers and paint.

And I am so quick to shoot myself down, so quickly I find something that I lack, something that makes me less-than-decent, I find all of the wrong that I've done, and I see all the ways that I fail.

I see piles of laundry that beat me down with their odorous stench, reminding me of just how terribly I do manage my time and my resources.

I see cluttered floors that trip me up and take me further down a few notches, telling me that I should be able to keep a clean house like a 'normal' stay at home mom does.

I see a blog with empty and unfinished post and a book yet to be written half way through, helping me to realize that being a writer isn't where I'm going to find myself anytime soon.

I see chubby thighs and flabby arms that harshly encourage me to forgo my sloth and hit the gym (and stop eating so many Cheez-Its forGoodnessSAKE!).

But if YOU were to tell me all of these things about yourself, I'd knock you off your pity party and remind you of how unfair you were being to yourself.  HECK!  If YOU were to tell me all of these things about MYSELF, I'd defend my cluttered floors and chunky butt with ALL of the reasons why I shan't be made to feel less-than-what-I-am.

Isn't in interesting?!  How insecurity plays tricks and manipulates our thought!?  Isn't it interesting that, in everything a person can accomplish- it's rare to find a true sense of security in so many of us human beings!

I've never looked at a Lion and thought
"Awww.  She'd be able to kill that little baby deer if she'd just stop feeling so badly about herself."

Lord, NO!  A Lioness knows that if she's hungry, she's gotta hunt, and once she sets her eyes on her meal, she's gonna be eatin'.  And I'm willing to bet that she doesn't feel a bit of insecurity about her ability to feed her lion mate or train her babies to be great lions and lioness'.  

Perhaps that's the problem?  Perhaps I was never trained to be a great mother.  Or a great wife.  Or a great writer.  Perhaps I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing, or how I'm suppose to be doing it.  Perhaps my insecurity comes from something as small as "not knowing".

That's where the enemy grabs up some trampling ground.  The bible says that Satan is the "author of confusion".  It's true.  He wrote a novel pinpointing all of my insecurities, all of my short-comings, all of my "I don't know what I'm doing's", and he reads it to me daily.

My failure isn't anything that he says it is.  My failure is simply allowing that 'novel' to be read to me by the author of LIES.

Here's what I know:

God directs my path.
He will make a way for me.
He is the official author of Truth, and Love, and Security.


I forget this often.  I am who I am because HE made me who I should be.  If I fail- it's a blessing to learn from my mistakes- not an option to beat myself up.  If I prosper- it's a blessing from HIM and not an opportunity to boast in my ability; but that doesn't give me the right to tear myself down, either.

The Lord used a situation that I was in recently to reveal just how terribly insecure I really am.  I had been starving for an affirming word to the point of tears, and had gotten myself into a pit of emotional malfunction.  God kept whispering "Hey- why are you hoping to find your security in that?"  and I kept ignoring His question.

Finally, He roared in my heart
"DO NOT FIND AFFIRMATION IN THOSE THINGS!!!  FIND. IT. IN. ME."

I heard Him loud and clear.  And found myself asking questions and hearing answers.  I discovered a few very important life-points that I hope to remember.

A.
If I'm doing anything, I have to be certain that I require no affirmations afterward.  Furthermore- I should expect nothing in return.    Whether it be cooking my family a meal, or building somebody a house.... If I do anything it needs to be out of a genuine heart to "do" and not to "get".

B.
If ever (whenEVER) I find myself in a pit- I have GOT to remember to check the reality of why it is that I'm in that pit.  Did I mess up or am I just being insecure?

C.
Take the 'playback' and 'predict' off of my options menu.
DO NOT play back situations that you were in and pick yourself apart.
Stop predicting what someone is going to say and/or do as a way to convince yourself that you shouldn't approach and/or move forward with something you know you should do.  Example: If you need to apologize, don't assume it's going to be a waste of your time because you "know" the other person is going to rip-you-a-new-one.  Just apologize.  


It seems as if many of us are insecure.  I know that among the friends and family that I have, at least those who are willing to admit it, that this is a true statement.  It's not just women, either ya'll.  Men, too.  Maybe even more so.

So I'm not alone in my insecurity.  But I don't want to stay in it, either.

What are some ways that you ward of insecurity?

Reading Above the Lines

My 7 year old is in 2nd grade.  She's been reading above her grade level, and her age since Kindergarten.  We have come to realize that she, somehow, beyond anything we had done,  chose to be exceptional.  She clearly wanted to read, and- per her strong willed personality, she did.  The end.  That's our Butterfly.  That's how amazing she is.

She loves information.  Any and ALL information.  That's why she reads.  That's why she LOVES to read.  Her hunger for knowledge drove her to our bookshelf, time and time, and time again.

And then, there's our Happy Girl. She's 5.  She's in Kindergarten.  She is equally as strong willed.  Equally as determined.  Equally exceptional.  Equally as amazing as her big sister.

 She loves to be involved.  She wants to do what her big sister is doing.  She wants to do what her little sister is doing.  She wants to be able to do what she sees anyone else doing.

At the start of the year, our Happy Grl was one group under the top reading group in her class.  Her teacher saw how capable she was, and requested to move her up to the top group.  This group sped through the Kindergarten reading curriculum and finished it up by the time we reached the half way mark of the school year.  By the end of their Kindergarten career, the group has already jumped into the 1st grade reading curriculum.

Happy Girl wants to succeed!  She wants to do her best, and be her best, and try her best.... IF  (and that's a BIG "IF") it's something that SHE wants to do.  She doesn't want to succeed to impress anyone else.  She doesn't want to be better for anyone else.  It's her own, personal ambition that pushes her to be her best.

We are closing out the school year for 2010/2011.  I met with Happy Girl's teacher today, and was astonished to hear her teacher explain where she had been placed on the "DRA Level" chart.

"By the end of the year, our county students are expected to be at a "4" on this chart.  The students at this school should be at a "6" due to the nature our curriculum.  Happy Girl is at level '20'.

(I scramble pick my jaw up off the floor, and keep my bottom on my seat as she continues to explain the system.)

"Now?   20 is the cap.  It's the highest that we are allowed to place her. She may, actually, score higher than that. But we aren't allowed to test further to see exactly where she's at."


Rewind to the middle of the year.  I had a similar conversation with Butterfly's teacher.  She needed to be at level 20, and she was at level 42.  I did a little dance to my mini-van after I heard this news.  I did a little jig to my car after I heard the news of Happy Girl's accomplishments today.

I found myself questioning how it is that we have these exceptional readers in our house.  I found myself wondering what the KEY to their growth in this specific area stemmed from!?

It's not because I read with them.  I did, a little bit, but not much.  I had plenty of BOOKS available to them, for them to look at, but we didn't do the "every night before bed story time".

Ya wanna know what I concluded?  What I assume is the key?   I'll tell ya about it next time.

Blocked by Grace

Typically I write  because there are things on my brain that need to NOT be on my brain; some of those thoughts need to be shared because they pertain to the AWEsomeness of my children, and I want them to be written into a physical place so that when I need to remember how AMAZING my life as a mommy is, I have a reference point.

Or? When I need to remember the facts that surround the FAITH that I have in Jesus Christ, I can recall just how quickly and effectively He ministered to my heart in JUST the perfect time just by reading my own personal biography.

Some of these thoughts are scattered and confusing and I write them down and type them out to get clarity: writing takes the puzzle that is inside my head and lays out the pieces, right-side-up.

There are times that I am just SO fired up about a subject or circumstance that writing becomes my ventilation.

I s'pose the reasons to my passion for writing are actually too varied to continue pointing out WHY-IT-IS that I write.

Lately- I've lost that passion and drive;  I am in neutral....
 I know it still exist inside of me.  There isn't a day that goes by that I don't want to park my rear on my couch, plop my notebook in my lap and go to that  place of quiet chaos inside my thoughts so that I can remove the chaos and sit inside the quiet.

Writing is my therapy.  It is FOR ME, and only for me.  I don't write to please anyone; but I do share what I write, because I know that somehow- in my reality- there is someone out there that has been where I am, and has felt what I've felt.  It's because I've read so many of my own thoughts and feelings inside someone else's writing that I decided to share the depths of my joys and sorrows, thus removing the "lie" that tries to convince all of us that we are alone, and totally alone, in how we are experiencing this life.

I "figure stuff out" when I write.  EVERY time I write- I discover SOMETHING.

I think this is why I've temporarily lost that passion.  I DO NOT NEED to discover anything new right now.  I can't handle another revelation.  My brain goes into auto-analyze mode, and without trying to, I "figure stuff out".

Like? Just now.  I figured out WHY I haven't been writing.  Just a few sentences ago, the answer to my rambling question was answered.  I'm NOT blocked.  I'm numb.  I'm worn out.  I'm NOT available to take on anything new.  I didn't PLAN on writing that.  It came to me AS I was typing.

I started writing this post JUST TO FIGURE out why I haven't wanted to write. Why have I been blocked?  Just when I need to use my own personal therapy, in the season that I need to make sure that confusion is REMOVED completely, in this time frame that typically- writing would have been my "saving grace"- I have been incapable of holding my thoughts together long enough to empty them out.

The truth is- I've been blocked by Grace.  God chose to remove my ability so that I could simply ReST in HIS understanding, and HIS truth, and HIS way.  He didn't need me to figure this out. He didn't (doesn't) WANT me to figure this out.  HE wants me to sit still.

He wants me to sit still.

HE. WANTS. ME. TO. SIT. STILL.

I once asked a hard question to a person while we were both in the company of a wise man- and JUST as that person was about to answer the question, the wise man stepped in, held his hand up as though he was blocking a flying object from my face and said:
"NO!  No.  Do NOT answer that."
And the wise man looked at me and said "YOU CAN NOT handle the answer.  I know you WANT to know it.  I know you do.  But.  You can't handle hearing it right now."

And he was right.

I wanted the answer.  I WANTED it.  But I couldn't handle it.

That's GRACE.

Not getting what we want, because GOD knows we can't handle it.
Not getting what we deserve.....
Not getting what we (think) we need.....

Grace is  not getting to write, so that I won't get answers to questions that I am not ready to know.

Shaken

How can life change so swiftly?  How can what what we had planned and driven toward get so quickly shaken?

I. Am.  Shaken.

I don't have the liberty to freely and openly talk about what is so crapped out....   but I can say that I could write a thousand songs based on the curve ball I got tossed.

I should have stuck with guitar lessons.  And taken vocal lessons.  At this point, my rear could be sitting at the Blue Bird Cafe attracting a mass of would-be song buyers based on what I could write about.

Dang.

Career Day.

The time has come; this chick needs a career.

Narrowing it down is the hard part!  I know that WHATEVER I do, I can do it awesome.  I'm not floating my boat- I'm being honest.  If I "believe" in it- I can do it.

The though of becoming a counselor sincerely grips me.  The idea of guiding and helping and hoping alongside fellow man... JUST THE IDEA of it brings a sense of fulfilment.

But then again- I have a natural knack for marketing.  I'm able to see the best in a business and come up with ideas to market that company.  I have made up hundreds of marketing slogans in my mind for various companies, wishing I knew the person in charge of marketing so that I could "gift" them my ideas.

And then there's writing.... perhaps I should pursue a career in writing? I love it.  I get gratification from it.  It makes me happy.....

Public Relations!  Specifically in the media industry.... oh-how-awesome it would be to be that "person" behind the scenes talking about, and talking up, and writing about, and showcasing.....

It's time to start a career.  What kind of career day do they offer for 30 year old stay-at-home mom's that have a desire to pursue their dreams?

Shedding the Plastic

I am in LOVE with Jesus. I am in forever awe of our Mighty God. 

But I am a sucky Christian. 

I know the Truth and love the Truth.... yet I can so quickly walk away from it?! I don't understand that. 

God spoke to me. "I'm going to remove that obstacle, Amber. I'm going to." 

And my actions all but call my Savior a liar. He promised, so that means I should park my rear and wait. Right? 
That's what I would tell you. I would say- "Be still. Wait on the Lord!". And I would believe it passionately with everything in me. I would pray for you and hope for you and encourage you to "Wait on the Lord.". 

Why can't I do that for myself? Why can't I wait? Why can't I be still in the Promise that He made to me? 

If I'm going to be transparent, I'll have to explain my heart condition:  I. Am. Angry. 

I'm so mad. And so stinking bitter about circumstances that continue to rear their ugly head in front of the path that I am so desperately trying to stay on. 

I'm fed up. I know that I'm battling a spiritual issue, but find myself constantly telling the "flesh" to put up it's dukes so that I can beat THE HELL out of it. 

I know what the Bible says. 

I know!! 

Don't tell me. Don't re-explain it. 

Dang-it. 

I'm so weak in my spirit. My spirit is a bloody mess. My flesh is, too- but I can see the flesh. It's all-up-in-my-grill, taunting me, harassing me like a 2nd grade kid 'Nanna-nanna-boo-boo'. 

 I am raging against what I can "see" rather than what is "unseen"..... 

And  I know better!  

My heart is broken and I'm watching myself crawl down into a pit. I'm all but seeking refuge in the depth of my own self sorrow. 

Why? 

Maybe it's easier to crawl into that pit than to SUCK-it-Up and fight for Truth? Maybe it's easier to dwell in self pity than to fight for my spirit?

I know i need to fight against the unseen and quit belly aching about the things that I see. 

Is that what I'm going to do? 

Am I going to buck up, stick in my mouth piece and put on my tackle gear so that I can start fighting in a battle that's being lead by the Mightiest Warrior? 

Or am I going to hide in a hole and wait until the enemy destroys me because I'm too lazy to get down to business? 

I. Don't. Know. 

I wish I could write this and say with authority that I'm going to start kicking Hell in the teeth and not look back until Jesus comes to finish what He started. 

But right now I'm weak. And broken. And there is so much of me that feels hopeless and lost. 

Christians aren't s'pose to talk about these things, right!? 

I've heard it said many times that we aren't "representing" what being a Christian is about if we are confessing that we feel hopeless and alone in our struggle. 

Well, guess what!! Being a Christian isn't a plate full if cheesecake and brownies. 

It's not easy. 

It's HARD, buddy! 

P.S., Jesus said it was gonna be hard. Why in the world are we trying to hide the truth that Jesus made so clear?  Dude, Jesus had it hard! He cried bloody tears, people! We think we gotta pretend like we aren't struggling?!? 

It's worth it- please don't get me wrong. In all of the crap that I've gone through, I've witnessed God working in my life. I've seen His might. I've seen His power. I could NEVER turn away from Him. 

But that doesn't change the fact that it's hard. And sometimes lonely. And times, like now, I wanna curl up into my self whiney-ness, pull the covers over my head, and quit trying to finish the race. 

I don't want any sympathy. I want EMPATHY. Tell me I'm not alone in these thoughts and these fears and this struggle.  But don't feel sorry for me. 

God has a plan. I believe He does. I trust Him and know that even if I mess up, He'll still walk beside me.

I really wanted to be honest and real about the thoughts and hardships I face in my walk. I want to remove the lie that we have to ONLY share our praise reports and happy-go-lucky good things. We need to share with one another our hardships, too. As Christians we need to be in REAL fellowship with one another, and that means we need to start shedding the plastic and walk this walk in true transparency! 

Intercession

I continually find myself amazed by how miraculous our God is.

Periodically, I randomly get "pressing" to pray for 'random' people.  Most of the time- it's folks that I'm not in direct relationship with.  Once- it was for Katy Perry.  Ya.  I'm not kidding.  I all but wept praying for Teenage Dream girl.  Every once in a while I hear a song she sings, and I go into auto-pray mode.  "God, speak to her.  Lord- bring her back to you...."

I have some friends that I don't see very often and (thanks to Facebook) I see their name/face/status update and I just go a little fruity for a few minutes and start praying.  Sometimes I pray things that make NO SENSE and I feel thankful that nobody can hear my conversation with the Lord.

Once- I felt prompted to pray for a family member and I said "SO? I feel like I should pray for you...." and I stuck my hand on my husband's shoulder while my husband put his hand on this person's shoulder and I just started praying-my-heart-out.  It was so out-of-the-norm that afterward, said family member commented to my husband "Ok? That was really weird."  And the truth is was really weird.  It's not normal.
It's not typical.   We live in a private, hands off, don't get in my business world.... stepping out of that norm is super-duper-out-of-the-ordinary.

What is so miraculous about our Father is that HE will go to great lengths to lift up and reach His beloved children.  I've been so encouraged by the pressing that has come onto me to pray for others, because I know that if He is using me to pray for other people.....by golly- He's using OTHER people to pray for me, too. Whoo-Hoo.  How amazing!?!  I know that random people pray for me.
I am not guessing.  I KNOW they are.
 
I mean?  I've gone from happy singing in my car to all out weeping (snot-pouring-hiccup-weeping) for somebody else because my heart was saturated with unexplained heaviness....

He loves us.
So compassionately.
So PURELY.
So deeply
    and honestly
         and generously.
                and truly.

I Used to Be Me

I used to have giddy, goofy, dorky, laugh-til-I-almost peed-myself moments.  Out of nowhere, for absolutely NO good reason at all- I'd jump into "I'm such a big DORK" mode and act-a-fool.

I miss that relaxation.  Laughter is the best medicine?  Hook me up to an IV please.   I know it's a season, and I know it's a tough one to be living in right now, but I am missing out on my use-to-be ability to be a free spirit.  I'm still tired and foggy-minded, and slow to gain energy and emotionally blah and high and low.  There hasn't been much room for giddy-goofy dorky me.

That person is still in me, though.  The 20 year old that didn't have any real responsibilities.  The younger me that didn't overly concern myself with when laundry was going to get done, because mine was the only  load that needed to be washed, or what to cook for dinner, because a bag of Cheetos would do just fine.  There's still a non-sleep deprived human being living in me somewhere- somewhere- somewhere?

Taking care of  a family is the MOST thankless job that could ever exist.  We know this to be true.  There is no reward for being a parent.  Nothing tangible.  Nothing concrete.  We can't assure ourselves that our children are going to grow up to be well-rounded individuals.  For GOODNESS sake, that may be the very reason my head is half-gray at 30; fear and stress over whether or not I'm accomplishing much-of-anything good in my motherhood?

It's easy to become consumed.  I talk about this more than I should, but it's just the plain-ol-ugly truth.  It's hard-HARD hard so-dang-hard to do this parent thing.  This mom thing is just hard.

I've never been a 'working' (outside the house) mom, but there are times I wish I had chosen that road.  To be out of our house, working a job that thanked me for my efforts with a pay check and an annual review complete with a written report that stated how awesome I was, and in what ways I can improve.

Wouldn't that be great?! To have an annual review of our parenting?
"Well, Mommy? I've been really happy with breakfast and lunch... but dinner needs some work.  Lighten up a bit on the garlic, and serve more chocolate... Oh, and the way you helped me deal with that girl from school that called me a poo-poo head- that was great! It really helped me to hear that I am really NOT a poo-poo head, and that I shouldn't worry about somebody saying that I am..."

I think that's the toughest part.  I don't know how I'm doing.  I don't know WHAT I'm doing.  I don't know what the results are going to be, I don't know where I'm failing or how I'm failing or how I'm excelling or....  anything!

It's hard to relax when the lives of 3 human beings are on my shoulder.  There are times that the tension in my heart is so great that I literally find myself holding my hand to my chest, wondering if God made some huge mistake in giving me these children.

And, as I write this, He reminds me that I have to be willing to turn THEM over to HIM, trusting that HE will take care of the short-comings that I am sure to meet in raising these girls.  I can't be perfect.  They  won't be perfect.  I have to hand them over..... I have to STOP being insane and stressed and gray-hair-breeding.

I need to be the way I use to.... or something close to it.  Serious, yet Dorky.... Giddy and Goofy...  with a hint of Structure and a side of Carefree.

Taking care of one's self is harder to do when that self has 3 other little lives to care for.

I forgot that I use to be me....

Tell Me I'm Amazing

"Look at me!  Lookatmeeeeee!!!!  Look what I can do!  See?! See!?!  See!"  as my 5 year old, curly blonde haired, gorgeous and stunning blue eyed sweetness  twirls around the living room.

Remember doing that when you were a kid?

I do.

I remember doing the lamest and goofiest, non-awesomest things when I was younger, all the while squealing at the top of my middle-child lungs "Look!!! LooK!!!!!" hoping for a glance from my parents and an "Amazing!!  You're amazing!!" word of encouragement from their lips.  Rare to be found, those words.  I was in competition between an artistic older brother, and an angelic vocalist younger sister.  (I had nada).

I'd try and try to find my place in the talent that seemed to fill my family tree by dancing like a ballerina and pretending that I knew how to play the piano- but instead of getting happy back pats from my parents, I seemed to annoy them more than anything else.

I didn't know where I belonged, and I wasn't sure what I needed to do to be the kid that got the praises that I so wanted to get.  I heard a lot of "you're so pretty" and "nice try", but not much of that strong, sincere "Whoo HOO, Good JOB!".

I've been wondering if maybe I project much of my childhood miss's on my children?
For example: My oldest is super artistic and an outstanding reader.  We praise her ability and tell her how amazing she is- and include character compliments and gratitude for her willingness to be such a great helper to her mommy and daddy.

My youngest is just CUTE and sweet and super adorable.  She's fun (and exhausting) and silly;  We tell her by the attention that we give her just how great  we think she is.

And then there's our middle child.    Anyone that's EVER been a middle child is already putting your hearts pity toward our precious 5 year old.  You know what it feels like, don't you?  The Middle Child.
Not old enough to get the priveledges, and not young enough to get away with ANYTHING!

Without filling her with fluff (because I refuse to lie to my children about WHO THEY are) I try extra hard to find ways to tell our middle that she's awesome.  Yes- she's a great reader and a great artist, too- but those are the thing she's heard her parents say to her sister (they don't seem to 'belong' to her).  And she is SO cute and silly and fun (and exhausting), but again- she hears those things about her little sister.

Our middle needs to find her individuality, the same way that I wanted to find my own- and it's a big job for this Mommy to stand beside her, cheering her on, while she finds it.

 It's true that her older sister can easily "outshine" her and her younger sister can quickly pull attention "away" from her-  so she most definitenly needs extra doses of encouaging words and one-on-one focus from mommy and daddy.

When we are consistent in telling our 5 year old how GREAT she is, I see a difference in her joy.  When our 5 year old is driving us CRAZY with disobedient behavior and a bad attitude- thus causing her to get in more 'trouble' than normal, I see a SERIOUS difference in her joy.

All she wants is to hear "You. Are. Awesome."  She lives for pleasing and pleasant and loving words from her parents, her peers, and her authority figures.  Is that a middle child thing? A girl thing? A personality thing?

I don't know- but I just realized that I can relate to my little girl very well.

I want to hear that I am amazing from my husband, and my peers and my authority figures.  NOT only do I want that encouragement, but I wanna know ALL ABOUT why it is that somebody thinks I'm amazing- details, details, details.

Who doesn't want to hear an edification?  Especially "us" Mommy's.  We are HUNGRY for that affirmation.  Some of us may have husbands that are super at complimenting the 'good works' we've done, and there are some of us that have to pull the eye teeth from our spouses to get them to recognize that they might possibly need to be a little bit more giving with their affirming words.

Either way- I've come to the conclusion that whether it be a girl thing, or a middle child thing- a mommy thing or a personality thing- we ALL want somebody to tell us that We Are Amazing.

I'm so glad that God thinks I'm amazing, and that my children believe that I am, too.  And (when he remembers to voice it) that my husband does, as well.

Now? I have to be willing to Tell "ME" that I'm amazing (and believe it).

He Spoke.

I know that He talks to me.  Deliberately, He speaks to me.

But sometimes? I don't know what He's saying.  Sometimes it's not totally clear.

In a song, on March 3, 2011 He spoke a clear and crisp message.  I wrote it down on a large canvas.  It says:

"He brought me to this brokenness....."

I already knew He was working on  me, but this message confirmed that I was going to get taken further into a place of brokenness, and in His sweetness He chose to reveal to me that He was taking me there.  

He prepared me.  (He is SO GOOD!)

The date has a relevance.  It makes me so sad to realize it, but it also humbles me.  

It was 7 days later that I came into a place of slight recognition as to what path of brokenness I was traveling down.  

On the 8th day it was fully confirmed.  And to be totally frank- it sucked to be there.  
Even though I knew He brought me there, I still felt angry.  And lost.  And empty.

It was on this day that God answered my heart cry when I prayed that He would lead me to somebody that would give me an answer.  I wanted clear instructions and a direct answer from Him answering my gut wrenching question

"How do I deal with this?!"

The answer came: "Pray it Through"

On the 9th day I remained empty, despite His willingness to speak to me.  I felt myself moving toward hopelessness.  It was a dark place to be, mainly cause I had already lived in that darkness before and  I knew how miserable it was going to be.   

And on the 10th day He spoke to me again.  The 10th day was Sunday, March 13.

We went to church and God spoke to my heart through our pastor.  Topic: "Forgiveness".

I received the message in my spirit, but in my flesh I questioned my ability to see and allow that forgiveness come to life.

Later, as I was alone in my car, I found myself (literally) driving without a destination.....   I chose to drive aimlessly until I had an answer. I didn't know the question, and I hadn't a clue as to what I expected to hear.  I just wanted an answer.

30 minutes later I had a destination to head toward- so I plugged the address into my GPS and got on the highway.

 I looked at the sky in front of me and noticed how blue and bright and clear and beautiful it was.  I noticed that all around, the sky was perfectly clear, except for a single white-puffy-cloud.  I said in my heart, with awe and humility "God! You can speak to me through that cloud."  I wasn't 'asking' Him to.  I just proclaimed the Truth that I knew "You can."

And He did.

I was one exit away from my destination, and the cloud was in my direct line of sight.  I watched as the cloud started to feather and break apart. (Remember- I was looking for an answer but I didn't have the question)

The cloud started to form the letters  J  e  s   in a feathered cursive form.  I began crying from the pit of my soul.  It didn't finish forming any other letters, but I knew He was telling me that the answer to my question was "J e s u s".

He wasn't finished answering the question that I had yet to form.

I can't explain it, but those letters, as miraculous as they were- they were not the full message.  I was humbled by God's willingness to SHOW me that HE can and will and DID speak to me through a simple cloud.  The tears that I was crying were belly-sobs of awe.

I kept my eye on the cloud.  I knew He had more to say.  And in those few seconds, I realized that I was waiting on God to remove the cloud completely.  My turning signal was on, and my heart was heavy.  "God! Are you going to remove the cloud before I get off of the highway?"  And just as I asked the question, I turned my eyes toward the exit I was to get off of, and then took one last glance at the cloud- the cloud was completely gone.  

In a matter of seconds, the cloud had started to form the word "J E S U S" and then it fully disappeared.

I know that He allowed me to experience a miracle.  And there are parts of His message to me that I understand, but then the other parts, I can't quite grasp.  

To recall the vastness of this miracle is quite challenging. If anyone else were to tell me this personally, or if I were to read these words elsewhere,  I would assume the story teller was totally exaggerating something they had imagined.  

It's too fantastic to believe that God would take the time to directly speak to me, but truly and fantastically- He did.

I realized that He spoke to me because He wants to speak to me.  He wants to speak to all of us.  

He chose to speak in that moment because my heart was fully open to receive His word to me.  

 I've not quite grasped the enormity of His message.  

I would assume that He was telling me that Jesus is the answer to removing an obstacle.  And though that is the full on Truth- "Jesus IS THE ANSWER to removing debilitating obstacles from our life." I can't help but  feel like God has more to say to me.

I need so desperately to know.  Though I know He spoke to me, I want Him to tell me more.  I want Him to sit down on my couch with me, and hold my hand, and say "Daughter!  This is what I want you to do....." 

He gave me a  message through a person, and through a miraculous sign....   shouldn't that be enough?  Am I just naive?  Why don't I know what direction He wants me to go in?

First's

I met this guy.

 (Here's how.)

And via Twitter he messaged that he checked out my blog.

My first thoughts: "Yay... " and then immediately I thought "OH NO!!!"

I self-consciously click on my blog to read over my recent post: I'm (horrifically) reminded I had just rambled on about how "being on my period SUCKED" and all this other female-chick stuff.

Dang.  Why couldn't I have written about something deep and interesting?!?

It'd be like if Paula Dean popped over for dinner, and you happened to be having Hamburger Helper that night.  No bueno.   Here's this awesome writer, who writes about writing, and he checked out  my blog, and I only had Hamburger Helper up.

Bummer.

Then I pulled myself together, gave myself a lecture about being "me" regardless of who sees "me", period-hating'-smack-talk and all.

So, a ton of affirmation flew into my lap when writer-blogger-dude asked me to do a guest post.
And then all that self-consciousness came back as I started wringing my hands and pacing around like a nerd- telling myself that there was NO way I was even a little bit good enough to do a GUEST POST for awesome-writer-blogger-dude.

(Repeat giving myself-a-talking-to routine.)

I eventually relaxed enough to quit trying to figure out how to not suck, and what I'd write about, and decided that- like everything else I write- my inspiration would just need to happen organically.  Interestingly, that conclusion is what lead me to write this.

My title was "Genius Perspective" and (ironically) he subtitled it "Finish What You Start".

I am the ULTIMATE idea person, but totally lack the follow through for all of my brilliant plans.  The subtitle, at first- made me feel like a hypocrite, cause I rarely finish what I start.

And then- it revved me up to have another talking-to with myself.
"It's out there now, Amber.  Other people know what you started.  You're gonna have to finish it."

Very excited to follow through.

Here's the link.

http://goinswriter.com/finish-what-you-start/

Be sure to follow Jeff Goins on Twitter, and subscribe to his blog.

Experience

I love reading about what others that are on the same path that I am on have experienced.
(For this post- said path is referring to my Christian walk- though it is quite imperfect and stumbling.)

It's my opinion that not all authors have 'the answer' to the life struggles we all face;
However,  I see myself as  somewhat of a 'wisdom gleaner', so if somebody wrote a book on a subject relevant to what's going on in my life; I read it, and analyze it, and pick it apart, and take from it what applies to my life.... after I've made sure it checks in A-okay with my spirit... AND the Bible.

(unless I'm reading a book about how to grow the perfect tomato plant; no bible referencing or spirit-checking needed there)

One of my favorite "if you're a woman and you're married" books is called:
"For Women Only" (what you need to know about the inner lives of men)

Shaunti Feldhahn did an OUTSTANDING job researching for a fiction novel she was writing, and ended up with so much profound information that her research turned into NOT ONLY an incredible novel, but also a brand new concept for a whole other book.

In Shaunti's  book (For Women Only) she blew my brain up when she explained that

  "men would rather feel 'alone and unloved' rather than 'inadequate and disrespected'."

Furthermore!!!  She touched on the fact that some men noted a challenge in choosing between the 2 choices, because both  (unloved and disrespected) appeared to be "the same option".

     This brings me to my point.

I don't know what I'm doing as a writer.
I have no credentials.
I didn't go to college.
I've never taken a writing class.

I started blogging because I wanted needed to write.  I needed to process.  I needed to get my impassioned thoughts out in front of me so I could backspace and delete and reorganize them to the degree that they made sense.

 Passion is what makes what I do fulfilling.  When I become passionate, I write well.  When I "try" to write, I write horribly.  I need to be thinking about or reflecting on something to get what I want to say onto a screen and have it make sense.


Somebody once said this:

"You don't have to write about something that you learned from an experience.... just write about the experience."

I had no clue what he was talking about.  He said something in English, but it went into my brain as Greek.

Experiencing and learning are the same thing.... right?  When you experience something, you also learn something, don't you?  

I do.
Do you?
Is it just me?

Shaunti experienced the grueling task of research   upon research   upon research as she wrote her novel.

From her experience- she gained so much wisdom that it poured a new passion in her to write another book.
From her experience, I was able to glean from her wisdom.
From my experience reading (and learning from) her book, I'm now able to teach my daughters....
And they'll teach their children...

Experience is to LEARNING as being Disrespectful is to being Unloving.

Rob Bell: "Christian Author"

I don't follow the "news".  Personally- it fires me up, and I'm too busy to put a whole bunch of passion into the things I cannot change.

I intelligently choose to be ignorant.

But? Then, there's Facebook.  It's a sort of "in your face" news feed; where people I care about and respect post their "news", or- "the news they personally care about."

So, my former pastor posted this link about Rob Bell and Universalism.

Blah blah blah- I don't care about Rob Bell.

What I did care about what how easily us "Christians" tend to follow people.  We (myself included) reference authors as though we're referencing the Bible.

"Well? You know, Dr. Dobson says we should spank our kids.... and to do otherwise would be more harmful to them than to not."  (paraphrased)

If I had grown up in a home where my parents never beat-the-tar out of me for being a total brat, I may not have so quickly believed Dr. D's approach to discipline.  However- Dr. D lines up with the big B-I-B-L-E, therefore- he is correct, and I will trust his teaching.

Having said that- there are some authors that teach on theological things that only folks who've been disciplined in Greek and Hebrew and pig-Latin could comprehend.

And this is where we (Christians) can get sucked into False Doctrine.  We don't know if what these people are teaching is true or not.   We assume that because the author is a "christian" and talks about the Bible and God and Jesus, that they are right.

If someone sounds spiritual and uses big words- they have got to know what they're talking about, right?


There was a part of the post that referenced some other dude that got "crucified" for teaching false doctrine:

{these thingy's mean I'm commenting/adding to the original post}

"A larger denomination would take his {Rob Bell's} credentials and excommunicate him like they did to me,” Bishop Pearson told CNN. {*insert whine and boo-hoo's*}

{Pearson} said it reminded him of his days as a charismatic leader of a big church in the largest Pentecostal denomination. His questioning of hell from the pulpit led to his ouster. 

"What happened to me is happening to Rob Bell," Pearson said. "If you denounce hell, it's like you are denouncing God. You’re going to be called a heretic." 

{Because HELL is a reality ya BIG DUMMY, and telling folks there ISN'T a hell IS denouncing the-real-deal GOD}

“I thought my people loved me and would walk through the valley of the shadow of death with me, but they didn’t,” Pearson said.

Interesting, Mr. Pearson.  You thought  that those people that YOU were teaching about GOD, and JESUS, and following the WAY, THE TRUTH, and THE LIGHT were.... your people  ?!?!

You thought they'd walk through the valley WITH YOU!?!

That's jacked up right there, buddy.  Jacked. UP.

Christians should not ever EVER ever be "PEOPLE FOLLOWERS".

We are JESUS followers, nothing more.

So- puh-lease!!!! Take what people say, think about it- and DO NOT accept it until you do your homework.

Break out that red-leather-bound thinga-mah-jig collecting dust on your shelf, set the iPhone app down, and turn Google off.  If it doesn't line up with The Word- it's total and complete CRAP!

 We are in the days of ELIJAH, ya'll. 
(Elijah's story is in the book of Kings and you can read how he felt isolated and alone in the culture in which he lived. But God told him to stand up and speak for Him.)


Break away from the Christian Authors and turn yourself over to the Author of our salvation.

The END. Amen.  VOI'LA!

Handy Man, Honey Do

I stumbled upon a revelation as I was fuming about the ever-growing honey-do list, and the lack of time, energy, finances, and initiative that is needed to slim down that list.

To be perfectly honest, I was trying to figure out a way to NAG  talk to my husband about how imperative it was that the things on that list get taken care of (sooner rather than later, Mister!).  

I'm an analyzer and word-picture-painter.  I think about how I'm going to present my side of the argument before there's even an argument.  So, I started "painting" before I planned my attack called him.

I was sure this was going to be the thing that helped my husband see just how important his role as our handy-man was... the way I saw it- it was so right on- we'd have that list cut in half by the weekend.

This is what I had planned on saying to him:

"If it's broken, having a bunch of tools isn't going to be enough to fix it.

First- we gotta make sure we have THE RIGHT tools.

Secondly- we gotta KNOW HOW to use the tools.

Finally- we gotta take the INITIATIVE to use the tools.

So? Since I don't know what tools to use, or how to use them, 

I need YOU to be the one to fix what's broken!"

And then God was like "You're right,  Amber....." 

And He sure wasn't referring to the honey-do list or my oh-so-clever way of trying to convince my husband to be our handy-man.  

He was referring to how BROKEN I am, and how I have GOT to let Him be my handy-man since HE is the one that knows exactly where I'm broken and how to fix me.

He used my prideful high-and-mighty attitude to speak something profound into me. 

I don't deserve His goodness.  

I still cannot understand why He chooses to talk to me.  

But good-golly, I'm so glad He does.

Thorns

I had this "thorn" in my flesh.

It was relentless; a constant struggle that refused to go away.

I prayed and prayed and PRAYED, yet it remained.

In my prayer, at first, I simply begged God to remove the "thorn".

He didn't.  And I was mad.  I was irritated.  I was like, "What's the deal, Lord?! Can you not hear me? I'm begging you to help me out, and you're refusing to take this from me?!?"

And then I started praying about the situation that brought the "thorn" into my life.  Not because I wanted to, but because I was desperate to find a new avenue that may help ME be rid of it.

I prayed each and every time the thorny-thoughts entered my head, despite my desire to give in to the thorn.  I prayed for any person that might be involved.  I prayed for other people that may have similar thorns.  I rebuked the devil and all but doused myself in Holy water in my desperation to have that thorn be gone forever.

I prayed specifically that I wouldn't give in and let the thorn be a part of my life.

This lasted for almost 2 years.

And then, one day,  I got to see a little glimpse of why God chose to leave that thorn in my flesh.

I saw a small-bite-of-fruit from those prayers I had been praying.  I saw eyes opened, and I saw revelation.
To put it simply- I thought I was just praying for myself, but it turns out- God chose to leave that thorn there so that I would PRAY MY GUTS OUT about the situation.  He used my prayer for a greater purpose.  He used that thorn for a bigger picture.

Is the thorn completely removed?  
Not completely.  But, I see it's purpose.  And that's HUGE.

The "thorn" has allowed me to gain a new empathy for those that struggle with these things.  It's given me a heart for situations that I typically would NOT have understood.

I'm able to show compassion instead of judgement...

I've learned this:
Sometimes we have thorns- and if we are careful not to give into them, they can be used to teach us how to be more like a Christian and less like religious-goody-two-shoe fools.

New Discovery

My husband left his Facebook open.

I have to admit that my curiosity gets the best of me when he does this.  I can't help but to dig into his News Feed and do a bit of  "people watching" via Social Media.  

This chick friend he has posted a link to a website about "writing" and I was like "oh-my-gosh" that's so cool- I gotta check that out.

And I did. And I'm excited.  Because I found THIS GUY!!!!
(in case you're not a link clicker- check out his site at www.goinswriter.com)


He's awesome.  He's talented.  He's SO-IN-MY-HEAD and I don't even know him.

This tells me something I thought I already knew.

Writer's (or so I'd like to think I will be one day)- have a certain drive that cannot be put into neutral.

We. Must. Write.
As he short-and-sweet put it on one of his post, it's not out of obligation that we write, it's out of need.

I feel like this discovery was a total God-Send.  It's like God was pointing me in a purposeful direction to find this writer-dude so that I could realize that "It's Not Just Me".

AND!!!!!!

This dude is not just a writer; he's a marketer. He's a dreamer. He's a creator.  He's.... Well?
Read his "about me".
http://goinswriter.com/about-me

I'm frazzled.  I'm elated.  I'm..... what? I don't know.  SOMETHING.

He's written book reviews. And has opinions that he's not afraid to share. And he uses his talents and his abilities to Do-What-He-Loves-To-Do.

I seem like a crazed pop culture stalker, but I'm not.  (Really.)

I'm just a little bit freaking out.  I have zero near the talent this dude seems to have.  I don't know how he got started, but I do know that accidents and coincidence are merely words in a dictionary and do not apply to this life that I am living.  God uses all sorts of creative methods to speak to us, and He just totally blew me away by speaking to me through Jeff Goins. (whoever he is).

I don't have to hone in on JUST ONE interest or passion.  I have many passions:

Marketing. (love it!) Writing (need it!) Music (thank GOD for it)

I don't know where I'm going from here.  I just know that God just put down another smooth-stepping-stone in my path for me to stand on.

Sick.Sick.Sick.

So.
I've been sick.
For like.... EVER.

I get better and then I'm not better. And it's annoying.  And I'm annoyed.  Because I wanna scream "WOULD'YA MAKE UP YOUR  MIND ALREADY!!!" to my body.  But my body won't answer me.

And we're totally poor and can't afford to see a doctor.
Well? I could afford to see a doc if I didn't need extensive testing done- which I do. Cause all the junk that's happening is ODD and apparently I need to get my spit analyzed and my blood and my pee, and EVERYthing.

Today I've been laying around.  Same way I was laying around last month.  And the month before that. And blah blah.  It's like a mean trick.  I think I've averaged 2 weeks out of 4 weeks feeling healthy.

For MONTHS now.

I'm ready to either freakin' DIE or get better.

WhichEVER.

But I'm not bitter about it or anything.

Sappy

I can't help but prefer a little bit of sappy with my music lately.  Extreme-More Than Words- kind-of-sappy.
 
Ok.  So typically, sappy-ness annoys me.  I think I'm less romantical than your average woman.  I don't get woo'd by the standard stuff.  I like real-ness.  I like open-ness.  I can usually see straight through CRAP, and most of the time- sappy-ness is crap.  Most of the time.  Not all the time.  Sometimes it's sweet.

That band, Maroon 5.
Sappy.

Great artists'.  But.... good golly, oh-so-sappy.  I gotta admit- I wouldn't know who this band was if a friend hadn't said something about them being "awesome".  I Youtube'd like I always do when I don't know who somebody is.

 Not a Maroon 5 fan.... just putting it out there.  Can't get past the lyrics.

I think it might also be cause the lead singer looks like wife-beater or something?
 IT's mainly 'cause the lyrics are TORTUROUS, though.  I'm wondering if dude may only be able to sing about his tormented heart.   If I could-  I would like to say to the guy "GET OVER IT MAROON 5.  Put your heart back together and sing about 'not-sad-stuff'.

Anyway.

Same Maroon 5 *fan* friend did a Facebook post about Bruno Mars. I Youtube'd him, too- cause I HAD NO CLUE who this dude was.

And I can't decide if I totally like him because I'm into Sappy-ness lately- or if it's cause I like him.

I don't know what popular song he does "now" - but the one I found that made me listen TWICE was this one:





Oh sooooo SAPPY!!!!!  

But I like it.  A LOT.  It's a serious chick song.

The End