Separation

I've decided to blog separately from aka*Mommy on the current subject matter that I'm dealing with.

 I know many that have read what I've written so far are praying; and I'm so thankful {to you} for that. I still find it's important to write about what's going on; and I will continue.

However! What I'm writing about is something that is for "Adult Eyes Only" and I needed to convert my blog page so that it will pop up a warning before anyone can open it.

No worries. Nothing that severe will be discussed.  I just wanted to use a little discretion on the subject matter.

If for some reason you feel the need to follow along on the other blog; feel free.  Should you need help finding the new page, just post a comment and I'll help direct you to it.

Waiting......

Houston? We have...... LAUGHTER!

Zoe. The girl that brings most of the hilarious laughter that takes place in our home. Her name means "Life" or "The Life of God". And everyone that knows her proclaims, "She lives up to her name." And that, she does. Kyla, however, adds her fair share of comic-relief to our household, and Leah is no exception. Each girl can bring joy and rib-aching giggles in their own, unique way. And I love it!!

8/18/09
Tonight, the girls' were playing "Hide and Seek" with their Daddy. Finally- it is his turn to hide, and he picked the 'best spot'. They couldn't find him! I had to help.... and when we discovered that he was hiding behind the couch (which is against a wall) the girls squealed/screamed with excitement.

Zoe announced, her tone was rushed and quick "OK! It's my turn to hide. Daddy. You have to find me.", .... as she was squeezing in the crevice behind our couch! Her Daddy said "Zoe. You can't hide there. I'll know where to find you."

And she looked at him so seriously, and said "Hey. Well. Close your eyes, then!"

........................................................................

After a trip to Mayfield Dairy, Kyla explained to her Daddy: (it must be noted that her expression was as so--- eyebrows raised. finger in the air. head nodding---.) "Mayfield Milk is in the yellow container. It's the best. It has vitamin D. Did you know that?!?!"

........................................................................

In an effort to make our Digiorno quick dinner somewhat nutritionally sound, I walked down to our garden in hopes of finding a few ripe tomatoes and green peppers. To my (and Zoe's) dismay, there were only green tomatoes. I decided a green tomato on a pizza was better than none- so picked 2 and a green pepper and went back to the kitchen.

Zoe was disappointed and announced it by making the "BLEGHK!!!" sound. I told her that it was still really good, and that it was just a little sour. She tasted it and said "Ya. It's really good! Taste it Kyla. IT's so good. It taste like Yummy.... Yummy.... um? Well! It taste like YUMMY GOODNESS!!!"

............................................................................

Over... and over...

This morning, I'm getting ripped apart from the inside out; I feel like I'm mourning from deep in the pit of my stomach.   I want to throw up.  I want to just vomit out all of the hurt, and confusion, and self pity, and distrust, and anger, and bitterness.......  I want to puke it all out and be done with it.  

As a matter of fact; I have this vision of doing just that.  In my vision I have a pony tail, I'm on my knees rocking back and forth- crying out to the Lord, and suddenly I start violently throwing up.
Just got that vision.  I was skinny in it, too.  Oh, GOSH!!!.  Is that a warning that I'm going to be like, bulimic?? (kidding)

I think I just had a vision of God removing all of my iniquities. And if I had a ponytail, then He's revealing to me that it's going to be a process.  It scares me to think that I have to wait until my hair is long enough to wear a ponytail.  Thank YOU LORD that my hair grows fast.

I don't know, really.  God reveals different things in  different ways- I don't know if it means I need to be like Sampson and not cut my hair while we're going through all of this?  It could just be a vision of a person throwing up because that's what The Lord said He would do if we don't choose "Hot or Cold".  Lukewarm isn't an option.  If we're lukewarm He will spit us out of His mouth.

 I feel like a total idiot for posting this- because it just seems super melodramatic.  But?  It is what it is.

 I find myself reading back through my blogs (often) and I get ministered to.  I believe that there are times that The Holy Spirit writes through me.  I believe He allows me to write out revelations that He has given me- and knowing how forgetful I am, He has allowed me to put them in the form of a journal, so that I can go back- over and over and over again- and read the Truth that He revealed to me!

He has been divinely revealing Himself to me!!!!!!
I'm just realizing this.
Just. This. Very. Moment.

 Who am I, Lord?
He knew I wasn't reading my Word.  He knew I needed the Word.  And He wrote the Word through me??  To me?

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Save Me From The Crocodiles

I've been drawn to http://davidwilkersontoday.blogspot.com/ today.  My previous blog came into form when my email inbox"dinged" that I had a message from this website, stating that the source of the content was from David Wilkerson's blog.  It's very cool, because I was literally mid-blog, wanting to talk about 'my feelings' of deception.  God took me elsewhere.

I finished my blog, and continued in Mommy-Mode for several hours.  And I found myself sort of standing in the middle of the kitchen, wondering what to do next... That's rare.  I always have something to do.

I broke out my Iphone, and went to THIS post.  I just wanted to read something, anything- to take my mind away from the chaos that was spinning my wheels into confusion.

The first few lines of David Wilkerson's blog drew me in.  You really need to know why- so I'll pull out an excerpt from what he was saying, referencing JOB 40 (and on)

“Now, behold the crocodile that’s threatening. How will you handle him? This creature has a heart of stone. He has no concept of mercy.” .................


“And what about the crocodile, Job? No human can do battle with such a creature. And nobody in his own strength can strip the crocodile of his thick armor. The same is true of your spiritual enemy, the devil. Only I can win the battle with him.”

Why is that so incredible?  Oh, hang on to your seats!!!!

EXACTLY 30 days after the author posted that blog, my 4 year old daughter, ZOE (The Life of GOD) was watching a DVD made by Phil Vischer called "What's in the Bible with Buck Denver."  I put on my Facebook page what Zoe said:

Buck Denver asks "So? What does God want to save us from?" and Zoe responds (to the TV with enthusiasm) "CROCODILES!!!!!"

March 11 at 2:35pm
Today- Zoe- my little prophetess perked up another Facebook status:

Zoe bounces around, here and there.... from one subject to another in complete randomness. Just now- as I was searching through music online, she bounces over to me and plops down, nodding her head in her Zoe-Excitement: "Mommy. Sometimes the bad days are turned into good days. Did you know that, Mommy?!" Amen, Zoe. Amen!!

Lyrics: All I Can Say

Lord I'm tired

So tired from walking

And Lord I'm so alone

And Lord the dark

Is creeping in

Creeping up

To swallow me

I think I'll stop

Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?

And didn't You hear me call Your name?

Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?

I wish You'd remember

Where you sat it down

Chorus:

And this is all that I can say right now

And this is all that I can give

Bridge:

I didn't notice You were standing here

I didn't know that

That was You holding me

I didn't notice You were cry'n too

I didn't know that

That was You washing my feet

The Talking Rock

I have  a rock in my pocket.  It's a jagged piece of gravel.   There's nothing interesting or significant about it's appearance.  This rock, however, though it is a very simple piece of the road, has been speaking to me all day!  

It said it's first words to me when my 4 year old "Life of God" picked it up out of the parking lot and said "LOOK, Mommy!  I have a present for you.  Do you like it??"

The rock said   "It's not the quality of the gift she's giving you.  It's the fact that her heart wanted to give you something."

I asked her to hold it for me so I wouldn't lose it- and she tucked it away in her 'toy box' compartment beside her seat in the van- directly beside the other rock she had chosen from the ground.

We later met up with my husband for dinner.  "Daddy!"  Zoe put both rocks in her pocket, and when we went into the restaurant to wait on Daddy, she told me that she was going to give a rock to him.
 "Wait?" I said. "I though one of those rocks were for me...." and I pretended to be slightly concerned.  "Oh it is, Mommy.  But one is for Daddy, too.  I'm going to let him pick one!!"  

And the rock told me again "It's not which GIFT you get- it's that you were chosen to get one in the first place."

After "Daddy" sat down with us, he picked his rock.  And I was handed mine.  I put it in my pocket, and I forgot about it.  We parted ways from "Daddy" and I had a bit of solo time to run an errand.  The rock remained in my pocket.  Each time I put my hand inside my pocket- in a effort to figure out what it was that was weighing down my jeans- I was reminded of how sweet- and how innocent my children are.  An adult would never pick up a random stone from the ground and say "Here!! I want you to have this!"  But a 4 year old won't question it.  A 4 year old will have a desire to 'give' and find something- anything- to pick up and GIVE.   My 4 year old just happened to have access to a road full of rocks.

On my way home- I felt the weight of the rock in my pocket, still.  My heart got heavy.  I had a flood of thoughts swarm through my mind.  One- in particular wouldn't leave me alone.  The thought of The Prostitute- caught in the act of her sin- who was brought before the crowd so that she could be stoned (to death).
We've all heard the story.  Jesus was there.  He said nothing for quite some time.  He was still.  The crowd questioned Him as He wrote in the sand.  And then He spoke.   "HE who is with out sin should cast the first stone."  All of the stones fell to the ground and Jesus said to the harlot  "Go.  And sin no more."  And she went.....

And the rock in my pocket said to me "You can throw me .....  But I'd rather stay in your pocket."

And here I sit.  With a rock.  In my pocket.  I think I'm going to listen to My Rock.

I'm going to try to:

• Look further, and deeper into the heart of my children.  
• Accept the (spiritual) gifts that have been given to me- whether they are of use to me right now or not-without complaint or heartache. 
• Judge not.... even if the crowd is pushing for full penalty.  (I'm going to keep the stone in my pocket!) 

Bring on the Outlets!!

My Thursdays are about to change.  I found out that a local church offers the Mother's Morning Out program from 9:00-1:00 every Thursday.

One day a week!!!!  ONE WHOLE DAY to accomplish something in a 4 hour window.  Wow!  I'm stoked!

A friend is going to be having a Beth Moore bible study in her home on Thursday mornings from 10-12 soon.  This is how I found out about Mother's Morning Out (MMO).  It's so cool how God lines stuff up for us in perfect timing.  I've been needing an outlet.  I've been needing SOMETHING for so long.  And here it is;  2-in-1 .  A small group setting and the opportunity to break-free from 'Mommy World' for a small portion of the week.

I know it'll be a bit of a challenge to get into the groove of leaving our house by 8:30 in the A.M fully dressed, lunches packed, and so on.  BUT HEY!!!  It's a lot better than regular school hours of waking up at 6:00 AM every Monday through Friday.  I also believe this is an option for me to find some sanity- to get a cool down from the daily grind.

I might also be able to actually get on some sort of scheduling accomplished for our life, too!  Wow!  A schedule- Oooh-Lah-lah.


And.  Also.  I will be spending my next (3) Monday and Wednesday evenings taking guitar and piano lessons at the YMCA.  I'll get a total of 6 nights away in a 3 week period.  Hopefully the classes will start over again after the session ends, because I really do want to move forward and excel in the piano.  We don't have a keyboard (yet) but if it turns out that my fingers like moving across the keys well enough to match up with my brain- a full keyboard will be our next investment.  The kind that has recorded playback.... and maybe even a microphone.

I'm looking forward to these outlets.  Really looking forward to them!!!!

My Daddy

I felt convicted- and wanted to journal what God is speaking to me now. Here's the preface:

I'm not a very thankful person. I thought I was. But- I'm not. I'm a whiner. A complainer. It hit me full-force tonight.

A while back- my husband and I were discussing the should or should not of getting myself an iphone. I had plenty of great reasons to 'go for it', and he had one great reason to not. Money (honey). It's an additional 30/month fee just to have that specific phone. So? After goin' round and round about whether or not to get this phone- he gave me permission to 'go for it'. I sat quietly on my 'yes you can'- and went with wisdom and chose NOT to. I went with a 'dumb' phone (as opposed to a 'smart phone' *bah-dum-bump*)

We also discussed the good, the bad, and the ugly as far as him getting a smart phone.
 He had lots of great reasons why he should (for work) I had one great reason why he shouldn't.
Temptation!
 Men are sucked into the 'bad internet stuff'' far too easily. I mean- for goodness sake- it's advertised on MY phone's meager internet options. Advertised!!! ADVERTISED. So? Having the ability to download videos and view movies online via the smart phone? No thank you. I don't want that temptation for my man.  I made it clear- no way jose, please don't do it.

So? Joshua comes home with an Iphone today. (pause)

Bare with me. This was not a financial issue. Not a bit. His Daddy was gonna foot the bill for his phone. The same Dad that foots the bill for his mega F350 Diesel that he's driving. And the same Dad that bought the GPS system in his truck. All for work. IT's a perk, you understand? For bustin his bootie makin his Dad's bank account runneth over. It's not his to keep. It's his to use.  Even still.......  it's hard not to feel like us 'poor folk' (my girls and I) are doing with out while he is livin' La Vida Daddy's Money.


And then- I started feeling sorry for myself. I dug a pity-hole and sat my self down in it, arms crossed like a pouting 6 year old. I began whining internally. "Why can't I have a newer car to drive? Why can't I have a multi-functional device like the Iphone to make my life easier?  Why can't I have the privileges and perks like Joshua has with his Daddy?

My pity-hole got filled in real quick when God gave me a heads up.

 He (God)  is  MY Daddy! I got the Mac-Daddy Dad.  The desires of my heart? Met. By the same Daddy-God that put a Tom Tom GPS system at my front door this afternoon.  The Daddy-God that put it on a friends heart to bless me with something I've been wanting (not needing- paper maps still exist ya know?).

The same Daddy-God that also blessed me with a new phone last year after mine died... through another friend that felt the desire to bless us with a phone she was no longer using.  And so on.... I could list more and more.

Well?  Ok.  I will!  With out having to stop and think- here are the provisions and hearts-desires that God has provided me with when we otherwise could not have afforded it.

• House Hold Luxuries (Pampered Chef and Tupperware...... found for 90% off retail.....etc.)
• Cell Phone(s)
• GPS system
• Clothes.  Clothes.  And more clothes!
• Furniture
• $100 bill in the mail and other cash blessings
• Vacation(s)  -One to Hilton Head (free)  One to Orlando and Cocoa Beach (free) and another to Daytona Beach Shores ($30/night Beach Front Condo)

If I were to put a lot of thought into it- I could fill a page with 'stuff' blessings the Lord has given us.  I could fill another page with spiritual blessings.  I could fill another page with super-natural health blessings and miraculous ways God has healed our bodies and kept us well.   One day, I will.  

My Daddy-God provides with out strings attached.  He does it in such a huge way.  Such a miraculous "GOD way".    Like the GPS I have now. Every time I hit "Navigate To" I will be reminded of how sweet my Father is.  Every time I skim through our Daytona Beach pictures- I am reminded of how incredible God's provisions truly are (on that vacation- He pushed a major storm system to the middle of the Atlantic right. before. our. eyes. so that we could bare witness to HIS POWER!  Not on a TV screen.  In the sky above our head!)

I have to be in constant remembrance of what He has done for me.  Of  how good He is.  Of how much He loves me.  I have to be reminded over and over and over.  And with all of the ways that He has shown me how well provided for I am; it's absolutely amazing that He has yet to lose patience with me.  Time and time and time agan He goes to storm-pushing lengths to show me how mighty He is.   (and p.s. we got a rainbow right after that "storm")

Selah: Standing on the Promises of God. 

May 29, 2009

***** 
please ignore the dates published on these pictures- I dropped my camera in the ocean- 
(a miracle that we were able to take pictures and live video despite my camera swimming in salt water)
 ******

May 29, 2009.  The rainbow.

So- when I started this journal entry  (yesterday) I had no intention of posting pictures, or making a video to publish.  God usually speaks to me and moves me as I type.  One of the many reasons I love blogging and journaling inside my blogger.  

I'm reminded (thanks Lord) that He is in complete control.  He's made promises that I do have to stand on.  And believe.  I need to change my outward look onto things that are inward.  

I still want a Iphone.  I still need a new(er) model car that hasn't exceeded the 200k mile mark and hasn't celebrated it's 12 year anniversary.  Our house is still too small in  it's 1000 sq ft entirety to hold all 5 members of our family.  

But HEY- guess what!  God has made me promises.  I am going to stand on them.  And I am going to celebrate inside the provisions and blessings He is putting in my path day to day instead of whining about tomorrows desires not being met.....  I'm going to try to anyway.  And- when my brain fogs out into nowhere land- I will have this journal entry to REMIND me of the revelation God gave me.

I Think I Saw Two Falling Stars....

A pastor on the radio was preaching about the will of God in our life.  He gave an example, from his life:  First, he gave a practical, biblical aspect.  Peace- having peace about the decision (to be made).

He talked about being a senior in college- and there was a decision to be made.  He said he felt uncertain- just totally lost.  Out of desperation he cried out to God and said "Lord, if this is Your will for my life, I want you to show me to falling stars."   He knew it was a silly request.  He was desperate.  Over the weekend he went to several friends and prayed with his friends.  At the end of the weekend, he and a buddy were walking home from dinner, and his friend said "Look how beautiful it is tonight" as he looked up a the night sky.  This pastor, too, looked up at the night sky, and in the moment, he saw two falling stars (meteors).  In the moment, he thought nothing of it- but when he went back to his dorm room, God spoke to him "What did I show you tonight?"  and this pastor said "It's not really a big deal- people see these sort of things all the time."  And God corrected him "It's true.  They do.  But YOU asked me for it!"

I have been praying- I have been lost, and confused regarding our decision to home school our girls.  The adventure we've been on so far has been exhausting and I have had NO PEACE.

Tonight- I believe I saw "two falling stars".  I met with a friend, and fellow home school mom.  She had a plan for next year that looked gorgeous on paper, and in our minds.  I now have something specific to pray about. I now have something to focus on as a goal to work toward.  Before- eh.... before I had no idea what we would try to work toward.  It was so generalized, and out of focus.  Homeschool wasn't even an option anymore.  Our options at this point (for next year) had only to do with regular school.  Public or Private.  That was it.  Private school was only an option if we only ate once a day and gave up any and all extracurricular activities (like- the gym and buying new clothes).  Public School  was the very last ditch option- the one we'd choose if we couldn't pinch our pennies tight enough to pay for private school.  

I finally have an option that I feel PEACE about.  It's not set in stone.  It's not a reality.  It's an option.  It's two falling stars that have confirmed God's will in educating our daughters.  It's home school.  I know that it is.  And it's a bit of a sting.  I know what's ahead KNOWING that God's will is home schooling.  I'm a little scared.  There is a lot of fear with understanding that THIS is what God wants our family to do- because there is quite a bit of sacrifice.  But I know that ANY sacrifice God ask of us will be worth it.

And as I'm about to bust open the flood gates, and pour out my tears on my laptop- I'll leave this post with one of the most powerful songs I have ever heard!

Because I know- with all of my everything- that IT WILL BE WORTH IT!

Where are you?

What's your struggle?  What are your deepest, "Only God Knows" struggles?
Are you hurting?  Are you suffering?  Are you bound?
Does your sin have triple knots tied to your hope- keeping you from moving forward?
Here's a reality check:  Satan has been using solitude as a way to keep us trapped in our pits.

Did you read that last line?

Satan has been using SOLITUDE as a way to keep us trapped in our pits:

A pit of... self-pity?
Feel sorry for yourself but don't let anyone know about it, mmm-kay?. Dig deeper into a depression that you blindly try to crawl out of....  and don't let anyone 'in' on the fact that you're stuck.

A pit of.... anger?
Be mad at the world and every person that has EVER hurt you- but put on that happy face anyway- and pretend like you're full of joy-joy-joy-JOY!  Don't talk about it- whatever you do.  Ok?  cause you don't wanna make other people uncomfortable or anything.

Are you in a pit of.... addiction? 
 For sure you have to keep that to yourself, then!!!!.  Is it drugs?  Alcohol?  Pornography?  Sex?  Food?  Smoking?   Definitely don't let ANYONE know about it.  They'll judge you.  They'll think you are a hypocrite.  They'll HATE you.  Struggle alone.  It's best for everyone if you keep it to yourself!

Are you in a pit of..... a bad marriage?
Act like your marriage is perfect.  Christians are suppose to have great marriages.

Are you in a pit of.....debt?
Shhhh!!!!  You're not allowed to be a slave to the lender.  It's in the Bible ya know?  SHHH!!!!!  For goodness sake keep it to yourself that you're about to lose your car, your house, and you have no idea how you'll pay for next months credit card bill(s).   Hush-up!

Are you in a pit of... Hopelessness?  Faithlessness?
Well- then- YOU ARE most definitely NOT a Christian. Christians stand on HOPE, and Faith.. and LOVE!!!  If you're hopeless you better not tell your friends about it.  They'll think you aren't saved.  And that you don't really believe in Jesus.  And if you're running low on Faith- you may as well hang your hat on the 'Goin to Hell' rack.  You gotta have faith (a-faith a-faith ah)


Good GRIEF (says Charlie Brown).  How frustrating is it to realize that most Christians do NOT grab themselves a friend, or two and keep these close by.... being REAL with their struggles and REAL about their issues. ( cause A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. Ecc 4:12

I'm here- blogging my STUFF- because there is nothing harsher than feeling like YOU are alone in your struggles.  I have no fear of judgement from anyone else. Nobody else's opinion on my hardship is important to me.  I love advice. I even love constructive-critisism. (no kidding).  But I have no concern that anyone else is going to think LESS of me because I'm struggling.

The reality-check is that we are NOT alone.  We are NOT the only Christians dealing with worldly  -temptations.

Do you know how many men suffer with a sexual-sin.  Maybe they've had an affair or they are bound to pornogrophy and shame is ripping them apart?  Fear keeps them from confessing.  And Satan gets a fun little play-ground.  What good does this do?  Confess it.  Get it over with.  You'll find that you feel lighter- and more than likely, your friend is gonna tell you that he (in some form or another) has battled with sexual sin.  You may even score some wise counsel as to how to get OUT of your chains.    If your friend has NEVER sturggled in that department- he is either lying (or he's one of the RARE few!)  It's gonna be harder the second go-round, but go to somebody else for insight if friend #1 doesn't understand.  People hide their issues way to well- but all of us have them.  It just means you're not the only one.    Satans' tryin' to keep you alone.  Don't let him!!

Do you know how many women struggle with depression?!?  Maybe they feel hopeless.  They're too ashamed to get help, and their struggle  pulls them away from their family and their friends.  And Satan gets a fun little play-ground.  What's the point of STAYING alone?  Talk it out female-brain.  Confess it.  More than likely, your girlfriend is gonna tell you she's been there.  If she doesn't- she's either lying or she's one of the rare FEW.  Find another friend to confess to.

Over and over, we are getting TRICKED into thinking that we can't or shouldn't SPEAK about our personal temptations.  And our personal hardships.  I'm pretty sure it was GOD (through the Bible) who said something like.... if TWO OR MORE gather together in HIS name....

This is a plea.  Get real.   Don't stay trapped in your solitude.  
 
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body.  Ephesians 4:25

Our Nashville Weekend (1)

Our trip into Nashville  has been eventful.  Here are a few highlights:

• Joshua movin' and groovin' down the hwy at excessive speeds beyond my comfort levels.  I Facebooked in efforts to keep my mind off of the sheer terror I was experiencing when we zoomed through "big-rigs" and "compact cars" in the F350 at 90 mph.  I may have had a slight panic attack.....maybe.

• Getting into Opryland around midnight (GA time) and  checking in to The Radison (because we wanted to find our 'cool-ville hotel in downtown Nashville and needed to book a last minute deal).  We discovered that The Radison was ultimate COUNTRYfied when we backed the truck up at our door- and had to dodge the pile of barf that was on the brick wall-railing and the carport.  I walked in the door and hit the "Front Desk" button:  "Oh. Hey.  Um?  Someone barfed outside our room....?"  and the front desk replied "Oh? Eh... Eeee... that's..... wow.. I'll send someone out that way."  

• We decided to walk on over to Shoney's for a midnight snack- they were closed.  Across the path was Johnny A's.  AWESOME decision.   The House Band was in-cred-i-ble!  We were highly entertained by the drunk-dancers.  The bass player was The Big Haired Lady and she killed me she was so awesome!  That chick tapped the bass while she was flippin' through her 'everything country' 10" thick book.  Joshua stole my heart when he requested "Tiger By The Tail"  (I'd never heard the song before.  I just thought it was special that he said "Hey honey.That songs for you.")  After he put in his request- the band tried but they couldn't figure the song out. They went with Buck Owens "Act Naturally".  
• AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE?!?!  Big Haired Lady hollared out-                                     "Ok Boys- keep going and switch it to E...        and Voila!........  The band moved into "Tiger By The Tail".  Swoon.... my heart was melting.... wait?!?!  What?!?!  That's not a sweet love song!?!?  It was still super-sweet.  And so funny.  I love my man.  

• While we were there- I tried convincing Joshua to order Fried Pickles.  It's one of our goals to try new stuff while we away for the weekend..  He didn't. ( I didn't blame him. )                                                I ordered White Beans and Corn Bread- apologizing in advance for my 'not-so-considerate' food choice. (what?)  They brought out white beans and..... pancakes?  Apparently I still have too much Northern blood running through my veins- 'cause I had to double check with the waitress: "Um? Is this the corn..... bread?"   She didn't mind.  "Ya, sweetie.  That's the corn bread."   "Heh.Heh.Heh.  Ok.  He he he."  (I'm such a dork!)

• And here we are.  In our room.  Totally stoked to be away for the weekend.  Tennessee is working out well for us so far.  I love it!  

Smashed

So far- this year has been a big challenge for me:

As a wife.
As a mom.
As a Christian.
As a woman.....

Doesn't that sound awesomely fun!?!  Every aspect of my multiple roles as a human being is being directly challenged?!?!

For a while now I've been super-emotional.  (Weeping).   I've been struggling.  More so in the past few days.  I cried my eyeballs out over the weekend.  Tormented on Sunday night.  And woke up Monday morning with a new "GRRRR!!!!"  I woke up determined to accomplish one thing. Just ONE THING.  I woke up determined to hit they gym and take out my emotions in a cardio and weights session.  I keep referring back to how great I felt when i was busting it at the gym.  one thing.  I wanted to do ONE THING that I was certain would be GOOD for me... that would make me feel great- even if it was temporary.

We made it to they gym.  11:00.  I was going to get 2 hours of PUSH time.  I got out of the van.  Instructed my 4 year old to back away from the car door so she wouldn't get her fingers caught... and SLAM!!  Smashed my pinky finger in the door.  It was wedged in the door.  I had to open (the door) to remove my mangled-bleeding finger.  I almost passed out.  Got back in my car.  And tried to figure out what to do.  I couldn't drive.  I could hardly BREATHE!  I cried a little.  Eventually-  I did what my husband instructed me to do.  I (somehow) managed the girls into child care- got a First Aid kid- and cleaned myself up.

I love my YMCA folks.  I told the child-watch girls that I'd be in the chapel and they were cool with it.  I knew they'd come find me if they needed me for anything.

I sat in the chapel.  And I cried.  A LOT!  And I laughed a little bit.  I get embarrassed if people see me crying.  I don't want to have to explain it.  So I laughed at my smashed pinky.  I had an excuse to have a swollen, tear streaked face.  How funny that I found myself saying "Hey, Lord.  Thanks for my smashed pinky."  

There's a lot going on.  God's working out my heart-condition(s).  I'm getting broken.  Piece-by-piece.  A little smashed, even.  And my jacked-up finger is a physical representation of what God's doing to my heart.  It hurts.  It's swollen.  It's bleeding (still!).  But- it has purpose.  The pain does HAVE a purpose.  Just like my pinky finger.  It served it's purpose.  An excuse to be a BIG-baby with out having to answer any deep questions.  An excuse to cry with out being pitied.

I guess I'll lay out a very MUTED version of my current struggles.

As a Christian:
Here's the down low.  Our church underwent a serious blow to the head when it was revealed that our pastor was, in fact, a liar.  A manipulator.  A total FAKE.  We aren't exactly sure how long he had been living a hypocritical life-style; but at the very least, probably about 5 years.  My husband and I had been going to that church for 10 years (with a 2 year 'break' when we went to another church).
So?  As a Christian, it's been really frustrating to see people- that I've known for most of my Christian walk- turn on each other. It's hard to realize that somebody led a huge body all the while being a fraud.  There's a  trust that has been dismissed all together from me for any person in leadership.
THIS is a good thing now.  I don't trust anybody.  There isn't a single man (or woman) that gets to sit on pedastool.  And I'm thankful.  I won't look up to anybody- or judge myself based on any one else's standard.
Jesus set the standard.  That's enough.

** I've also been a little mad at God.  I'm working that out.  I've found it hard to comprehend why I have to go through all the crap.  I'm getting over it.  Being mad at HIM, but it rises back up here in there and I have to work it out.**

As a wife:
Let's just get totally real.  No marriage is perfect.  Nope.  And I have no expectations that mine will ever be, either.  It will likely be a constant struggle- though I do hope that at some point (asap), the struggles will be less intense.  We're on the eve of our 10 year anniversary.  Literally.  The 'eve'.  It's tomorrow.  Over the course of FOREVER I have hurt and have been hurt in our relationship.  With out sharing too deep into  our marriage- it's a bottom-line challenge of TRUST.  (are we seeing a pattern here, yet?).  This past week has been especially hard in that department.  I'm no  Proverbs 31 woman.  Not even close.  This is a 50/50 deal.  I've caused as much grief as he has.  Trust is a hard thing to acquire once it's been lost.
Neither of us have pushed to deepen or strengthen our relationship with God, either.  Biggest issue.  We've both been lost for a while.  We've assumed we walked a narrow path that was really, actually- NOT all that narrow.

As a mom:
I don't know what to do!  I'm not a great 'home school' mom.  I know they need something else.  But what!?!  Public school is hard to picture for my girls.  Private school is hard to pay for.  What to do?!    I want my kids to be little kids.  Innocent while they are still allowed to be innocent.  Innocent until forced into the real world as pre-teens and young adults.
In my personal struggles- I have found it even harder to focus on my girls' needs.  We're kinda barely getting by.  God made them strong.  And resilient.  But it's time I get it TOGETHER and start raising them up to be confident women-of-God.

As a woman:
Can we just call it what it is and say that I'm sick of feeling "LESS" than in my role as a woman.  It has been too long since I've felt whole.  It could have a little to do with my marriage.  I have made clear that my husband is FOR SURE my other half. "The half that makes me whole."    But- there's a part of me that vainly feels 'less'.  Physically.

I mean?  The battle of the chub is really getting on my stankin' nerves.  I feel less attractive than I would like to feel.  I still don't 'hate' on myself (phew!) but I am annoyed that I can't get confident in my appearance.
I need some teeth work, and that makes me uncomfortable.  It's all about the Benjamins.  I can't afford it.
I need a new wardrobe.  I'm out of date.  I found this out over the weekend when I indulged in "style tv".  Stupid shows.  I was somewhat "ok" with my wardrobe.  Now? Not so much.
And I need a hair cut.  Since my last 'Jo-Jo The Clown' experience, I've been too afraid to put my hair on the chopping block.