Portal

This is the night to blog.  I love blogging.  It empties my chaotic brain.   Journaling would be sufficient, too- but who am I kidding?  Actually writing something down, with a pen- and no backspace to correct my errors?  No spell check?  Nah.  I prefer the blog.

What's MORE awesome about this whole blogspot thing- I have LOADS of unpublished blogs set aside JUSt. For. ME!  It's my hidden journal, so to speak.  I had to do this sneaky little thing because my software that actually allowed me to journal using my computer got all whacked out.  I think I was suppose to enter in some key number thingy that came with my computer, and I lost the 'key', therefore limiting my software capabilities- thus ending my private journaling needs.

Boo.

Moving on- I wanted to share something funny about this here blog thing.
I read myself.
Did that make sense?

I actually go back to my older entries, and get caught up 'reading' myself blog.  It's like a book.  Or somebody ELSE's blog.  Because I've forgotten 90% of the stuff I've written, and it's almost like this awesome portal back in time to see where I use to be.

The bummer about 'publishing' these blogs, though- is that I still have NO IDEA who is reading me.  Yet another reason I have so many 'unpublished' post.  I wish there was a blogger that allowed us to be 'private'.  Like- only my 'friends' can read what I'm posting.  Only the people I 'accept'.  Sort of like a Facebook Blogger thing.

I also would really like to figure out how to put cute backgrounds on this thing, and set it up in a way that makes it more 'me'.  I saw a few folks that have all sorts of pretty designs on THEIR blog.  I want a pretty design, too.  I want the layout to be better.  I want a new car, too.  (Just thought I'd throw that one in while I was ranting about what I 'want'. Toyota Highlander w/ the 3rd row option please.  Leather.  Hybrid if you can find it.  Thanks.....)

Speaking of looking back into different portals of time- I read some of my sisters journal from way back when in 1998 and 1999. Some of it was comical.  Some of it was a little "T.M.I" for my sensitive little eyes- but there was one entry that I'll never forget.

It was an entry about ME.  She said I shouldn't think too much of it.  "I mean?  We were younger, then."

But.  It's significant.  It allowed me to look a little further into my past and see 'who I was' from another persons perspective.  It wasn't pretty.  I was angry.  Bitter.  Easily annoyed.  MEAN!

This was 11 and 12 years ago, and I bet if you asked my husband today, he'd say the SAME thing about me as she did.

The written word doesn't hide the truth does it?  I'm in a reality check (yet again).  Ready for that ULTIMATE change.  Ready to NEVER ever go back.  I've been ready for it, actually.  Ready for a long time!  Something just needs to get broken in me, I guess?

Saturday morning I turned back into Mr. Hyde after having him gone for quite some time.  Sadly- after going to that link and making sure I was using the correct terminology (thanks Google) I realized something painful.  That analogy "Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde" is used to indicate a split personality.  Now- before anyone gets all judgmental and hoo-hah-ee, let me clarify that I do NOT have a split personality.  There is no secret person living down deep in my psyche- just a little girl that got totally screwed up (thanks Mom) somewhere in my child hood and I've yet to figure out what it IS exactly that causes these outburst of anger, frustration, bitterness and malice.

I was plain ol' MEAN.  On purpose.  I just let go of all restraint and attacked full force with the most projectile word vomit you could imagine.  If any one of my closest friends had been a fly on the wall, they'd probably have thrown up out of SHOCK.

My husbands words to me tonight: "I'm not mad at you anymore.  I just look at you differently."

Wow.

WOW!

See?  He's seen Mr. Hyde on many occasions in our marriage.  But- Mr. Hyde's been on 'holiday' for a long time.  I guess Joshua is discouraged that 'he' wasn't gone forever and ever.  I am, too.

Not that I've got any excuse for the above behavior (in which you'll just have to use your imagination, cause I'm not spilling out details), but I do want to make it known that there was a 'trigger'.  I don't know the EXACT trigger that created the lack of refrain in me- but there was 'something' that just blew the top off the containment- a few 'somethings' come to mind- but I can't pinpoint the exact one.  Wish I could.

For future reference to myself, though- I know for sure that I'm dealing with UNFORGIVENESS.

Toward Joshua?  Myself?  My mom?  My dad?  My uncle's cousin's friend's brother??? Who knows!?!?  I just know it's there.  And I want it GONE. For. Gooood!!!

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